Not telling family that I’m pregnant

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I’m 26 weeks pregnant. It’s my 3rd baby. And I still haven’t told anyone in my family. DH is starting to find it a bit odd really.

I haven’t had any contact with my father in 20 years. He is an alcoholic and an abusive arsehole, so this makes perfect sense. I have no intention of ever contacting him.

I do still have some contact with my mum, but it’s pretty limited and superficial. I’m really struggling to bring myself to tell her. The lockdown obviously helps in this regard.

I think the main issue is that I just don’t trust her. She’s very controlling and overbearing. She appears to be very generous and warm, but it’s really a form of control. Years of experience have taught me this. She’s just not supportive at all if you are doing something she doesn’t want you to. In fact, she’s outright obstructive.

A particular issue is that she behaved truly dreadfully when DS2 (now 10) was born. She completely ruined the last few days of DS1 being an only child, made me quite ill with stress and was just vile and difficult. She visited briefly after DS was born, and then I didn’t see her for about 18 months. There was some phone contact but no visits.

Of course, her version of events is that I was unreasonable but actually all I did was put boundaries in place and not do exactly what she wanted me to do. So she threw a temper tantrum and caused enormous upset and stress.

So all of this (plus many other things that have happened throughout my life), obviously affects whether I want to tell her anything. I’m pretty sure that DS1 (who she contacts regularly and has a weird hold over) has told her about the baby, but she hasn’t mentioned it to me. She phoned today (the first time I’ve spoken to her in 2020) and no one said anything about it.

I feel really silly that at 39 I’m hiding a pregnancy from my mother, but I just don’t want to tell her. But then it’ll just be even weirder to tell her once the baby is here.

Obviously DH has told his family and everything is totally normal on that end. He does find it very hard to understand why I haven’t told my mum yet. And that’s fair enough; he didn’t get the crappy dysfunctional family I was born into.

So, people of MN, what would you do in this situation? The lockdown makes it quite easy to avoid seeing any of my family before the baby is born in July.

If you don't want to be in contact with her at all, that's a valid choice too, you know.

If she stresses you out, do what makes life easier for you. Your dh doesn't need to understand, he just needs to go along with what you need.

Just do whatever you want to. Stop worrying what she or anyone else will think. Look after your own well being, you are important. That's all there is to it really.

Suppose it depends if you want a future relationship with her.
I didn't find out my dad's wife was pregnant until after they had the baby (8 or 9 years ago now). Even though I don't see my dad or like him I was quite upset that I hadn't even been told about the pregnancy. He made no effort to congratulate me on the birth of my 2nd child and now I'm pregnant with my 3rd Ive not had any contact with him. Which suits me fine.
Atleast you have your dp family who will share your baby joy.. But if you want to stay in touch with your mum I think you should tell her.

Tell her what she deserves to know here about your family life; nothing. You all as a family need to be in a no contact position with her.

Its not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way. If there is no trust either there is really no relationship.

Do read and or consider posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread; you would fit right in there.

What would telling her at all achieve, do you think she will now somehow become a decent parent/grandparent to you and your children respectively?. No that will not happen and nor will you ever get her approval (not that you need this anyway).

Read about fear, obligation and guilt and see how much of this applies to your own self here.

Why has she got such a hold over your eldest child and why has such contact at all gone on?. Has this child been groomed with promises of money and or other material things?. She will harm that young person just as surely as you yourself have been harmed by her. How old is your eldest now?. You are this child's parent here and this person is also relying on your good judgment and common sense. Not all relatives after all are nice and kind, some are outright abusive.

I would not tell your mother either; she was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed since that time either. She has also been horrible to your children and your children deserve emotionally healthy role models as grandparents. Neither of your parents here fit the bill.

Like many people, your DH comes from importantly, an emotionally healthy family unit. You were clearly not as fortunate here.
Your DH does not have to understand fully, he just has to be supportive of you and encourage you to remain clear of both parents here. You grew up within such a shit family unit and you know far more about that than he ever will.

I sincerely hope that she does not succeed in stealing the very heart and mind of your DC1 because that particular scenario is not beyond the realms of possibility here. This is what narcissistic grandparents do and that is also being done here by your mother to get back at you.