How do you improve communication?

[how21]

How do you improve communication between you and your dp?

Things aren't good between me and dp at the mo-i think we need a really good chat about all the important things-instead we are rowing about all the stupid things (started by dp e.g. too much stuff on dds shelves!)

I'm fairly sure it stems back to the fact that dd wasn't planned and we have both had lots to get to terms with but dd is almost 14months now and he is gradually getting worse and regressing in maturity.

Its getting to the point where there are more things i don't like about him than i do, and i just don't know how to make it right again.

There's so much more i could say but dd is asleep on my other arm and its gone dead

I don't want us to split but i can see it heading that way

He seams like he wants to start stupid arguments all the time knowing full well i hate arguing. but today (no idea how it came up) he said he never wanted any more children-he knows i want at least one more and we had talked before we had dd about at least 2. i think he said it just to upset me and now he's away for the night.

what do i do?

Not sure how much help this is to you - but fingers crossed. My DS wasn't planned, and my dp didn't cope hugely well with it ! We had a few issues similar to you - and things would just end up in an argument. So, basically, I wrote him a letter explaining everything. i.e. things that upset me, things I didn't understand, day to day rubbish that we argued about, etc. and at the end I asked him if we could sit down and go through everything in the letter. I made it really clear that I didn't want to argue about it, since there were obviously things I did wrong as well (actually, I didn't believe that - but I was trying to be diplomatic !!!) I just wanted us to both open up about everything. A day later, we sat down for a couple of hours and went through everything, and since then, everything has been so much better. Might be worth a go

thank you imagine-thats a very good idea-i can try and work on that tonight.

i just have to try and remember everything i need to say

You say things have been better-how did you resolve the problems and how long ago did you do it?

I'm glad you're sorting things out-i just hope we can as well

Remembering everything to say is always the hard one - that's why writing it down is good. You everything out of your system. I fI had a penny for everytime I thought of something else to say after the event I would be rich by now !!!

As for us, alot of the problems were actually linked - so once we fixed one thing, alot of others got fixed too.

As for how long ago - it was about 13 months ago now, and things are fantastic now. (ds is 12 months now). We had these problems during my pregnancy as apposed to after them ! (Don't get me wrong, there have been a few since ds was born ! But nothing in comparison to pre-birth)

Honestly, it took us about 6 months to really iron things about - but alot of the issues he had to sort out on his own - hence the timing.
If you are honest, and clear about things as much as you can be, then I'm sure you'll be ok. Remember, some things are his problem to deal with - you can't fix everything - and nor should you have to.

As for planning more kids - I'd hold fire if I was you. Atleast wait until you know whether you want to be with him long term or not. No point having an argument about soemthing that you don't even know if you want (i.e. him being around)

My preferred method would be a sockful of wet sand, but some killjoy told me there are laws against that sort of thing.

writing a letter is a brilliant idea when things have detoriated to the point of you dont know how to approach certain subjects without it starting a row.

Few pointers for your letter.

Start every sentence with I or Im, instead of you and how you feel rather than what you think.

For example:

Dont say - You dont want anymore children, but i do. say I would really like to have more children.

You make me so angry - i feel so angry with you.

Using you is blaming and puts people on the defence, the best form of defence is attack and an arguement starts.

Hope this makes sense!!!!!!

Sometimes it's also good to set down in a letter all the things that are winding you up, being as unfair as you want. Then tear that letter up and actually write a fair, reasonable letter (or have a fair, reasonable conversation).

There's so many things you could do.

A good listening exercise is the 5 minute game. Set a timer. One of you gets to talk for 5 minutes, the other is not allowed to interrupt. At the end of 5 minutes, switch over.

You each say how you feel. You're not arguing.

Also, do you appreciate each other? Each write a list of all the things the other one does for you. Don't assume you have a right to expect anything done for you...appreciate each other. Thank each other. Don't focus on what you DON'T do - notice what you DO for each other.

Don't expect each other to be mind reader - if you loved me you'd know how I feel...be clear, be direct, but don't blame, "everything shitty is your fault", is not helpful.

Or you could cook a meal, light a candle, open a bottle of wine and eat together and chat. After dinner, say "This was so nice, I love this time with you. I wish we didn't argue so much. I really want us to be more loving to each other, I miss how close we used to be." Hopefully, he'll feel the same and the two of you can talk.

visit www.marriagebuilders.com the love bank theory might make sense.

Thank you so much everyone
dp's meeting was re-scheduled so he wasn't away last night so have not written the letter yet but i will do when i finally get some time alone with dd in bed!

have taken all suggestions in-all makes a lot of sense.

imagine-did your dp realise he needed to sort things out on his own? my dp has huge frustration problems which i'm sure stem back to his relationship with his dad-but he laughs if i even point out that he gets easily frustrated-he needs to work it out for himself-but how?