Advice Needed: Not big on meeting her friends

[IntrovertNick1605]

Hello everyone. I'm a guy, I'm 30 and my partner, she is 33. We have been together for around 8 months now. Things are good between us.

I would say I'm an introvert and a very private person. I have no social media, I have literally 3 friends (which I'm happy with) and I get on well with work colleagues day to day, but don't socialise outside of work, apart from the odd leaving party drink. I would say I am more of a person that likes to blend into the background. I am a minimalist too, I have very few possessions, not driven by money or material things and generally very content with how things are.

So my relationship is grand so far, however, my partner is very into Facebook and she has a lot of real life friends too, and I think that's awesome, as they make her happy I love seeing the enjoyment on her face talking about them etc.

So she invited me to a get together with her friends one evening recently, and i was tricking it! I absolutely suck around people i dont know, and even in work, we have a team of 5, and i sweat in the meeting room when it's my turn to say something, oh goodness I hate it! So I went along to the get together, and it was me, my GF, and 4 couples, and two other female friends of hers. She is friends with all the couples and everyone. It was scary, and I clammed up. I came from work and was in a suit and everyone else was very casual and that gave me paranoia, I'm not big into TV or Netflix etc or the latest celebs etc so I find conversation starters hard. I was aware at the end of the night that I appeared very quiet and stand off ish, but I always make sure I have manners and try my best to pass myself as decent. My partner picked up on it and when we got back to hers after, she said her friends are very important to her etc and they had texted her to say I was very quiet etc.

I need advice on how to go forward. I really like her. A lot. But I absolutely hated that night and I tried to explain that my opinion is I think it's ok if we have our own separate friends as doing our own thing apart every now and again is healthy. Oh, there was an occasion last week, she facetimed multiple friends all at once, maybe it was that House party app? Anyway, those friends are from the city she is originally from and I went to another room and I read my book. But she popped in and asked if i wanted to say hi, and I said I'm ok thanks, you spend time with your pals, it's cool. But around 30 mins later she came into the room putting the phone in my face and I completely had a panic attack and ended up running around the flat to avoid her. Next day I said I was really uncomfortable with that and said I find those situations the same way someone would be with spiders etc.

Bottom line is, I know I need to address this friend thing. It's a necessary evil. I really adore her and I have to make some sort of effort, her pals prob think I'm weird now and are already judging me (which I find a bit horrendous as they dont know me). But how do I go about this. Please be nice! I dont want to lose her, so i know i need to get this sorted and make her happy.

She was bang out of order to stick her phone in your face like that!

It sounds like she doesn't really understand how you feel or why you feel like that. You need to have a calm chat with her and try to explain your feelings a bit better. Good luck.

She's not the girl for you I'm afraid... what she did to you after wasn't nice or kind or understanding.. this alone would show me she is not right for you OP.. sorry

I feel you brother. I've always hated the "meet my friends and family!" crap. (I don't want people to meet mine either.)

I'd suggest asking her to read up on introversion and social anxiety. Maybe you can come up with some alternative ways to meet (once lockdown is over) that would be less stressful for you - e.g inviting over JUST one couple to your/her place for dinner. Do it on a weeknight so you have an excuse to call it a night early. If it goes well then maybe next time go to theirs.

I probably come across very confident from the outside, but I have learned to manage my social interactions so that I can cope. If I tried to meet up with one friend/partner and 6 other people who all knew each other, I'd probably climb out of the toilet window or fake an emergency.

and there is nothing wrong with enjoying your own company OP.. we all have our life's preferences

Argh no, the phone in your face thing, that's really bad that she did that.

I don't see this relationship working out, I'm afraid. My guess is that she thinks you will change for her, and that's just not going to happen.

When you told her how uncomfortable her shoving her phone in your face made you, what was her response?

This isn’t going to work, you’re too different. As it is I don’t think what she did was that bad, obviously it was inconsiderate as you have social anxiety, but I’m assuming she had no idea the extent of it. I’ve had massive social phobia my whole life, but as an adult I’ve learnt to force to cope and deal with basic social interactions. Your girlfriend has a massive social life and a wide circle of friends, she wants you to be a part of it. If you can’t cope with a night out or a quick Skype hello however, this just isn’t going to work. It’s completely unfair to basically put it on her that you can only suffer a relationship with her if she keeps her entire social life and friends away from you

OP, she's not the girl for you.
Ye are too different.

The phone in the face was extremely rude and disrespectful.
That would piss me off.

There is absolutely nothing wrong about living a small, quiet life.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with living a very full social life.

But the two together can be difficult.

Going forward she will want you to accompany her on lots of social occasions.

You will be in the horrors at this.

Never the twain will meet.

Ye both are very different, trying to work it out will be very difficult.

I understand both positions.

I love a big night out...but just not too often. I really value my peace and quiet.

I would hate an overdose of either options.

You are who you are.
You need to find someone who shares your wish for a quiet life.

I would tell her and say you are willing to get to know her friends but to begin with only one or two at a time at least until you get to know them a little bit and start to feel more comfortable around them.

I am an introvert like you and I would not handle it if my boyfriend was like your partner.

She needs to accept who you are. If she wants a partner who is similar to her then you two are never going to work.

Sadly I think it sounds like you’re not compatible. She probably didn’t realise putting the phone in your face would be so horrible for you.
It’s good that you are happy with only a few friends, but your girlfriend is clearly the opposite of this.
My friends are a huge part of my life so for me anyone I have a relationship with would have to be involved (to some extent) with my friends. I did date someone once who was so stressed by meeting 2 of my friends that I realised then that it wouldn’t work out with him. Good luck and hopefully you will find someone you are more comfortable with.

8 months in, and you're already living together?

You do sound incompatible, perhaps once lockdown is over, it might be time to call it a day and find somewhere else to live.

She thinks her way is the right way and clearly you do too for some reason? Why would enjoying big groups of people (strangers) better than preferring smaller groups of people who you know? You obviously really like her but long term what other things might she think is better her extroverted way? Big wedding where you're having to give your vows in front of everyone she went to school with? After an engagement party, multiple pre wedding dinners? Is that the right future for you? If not is she going to adapt to meet you half way or do you think it's acceptable for you to try change your entire personality to fit?

You're an introvert, she's an extrovert. Both those things are great.

Some couples work brilliantly where one is the life and soul and the other is more quiet and retiring but I would say those are the exceptions and they only work because both 'types' accept each other 100%.

The fact that she's shoving her phone in your face and relayingher friends' 'assessments'/ complaints about your personality suggests this isn't the case with you two. Sorry op but she needs to love and respect your introversion and you her extroversion in order to give you any long term chance. Maybe just try to enjoy the good bits in the here and now and accept that you'll probably go your separate ways eventually.

As an introvert myself, I have to say I've met far too many extroverts who saw my introversion as a flaw they needed to fix - and for a long time I agreed with them and went along with it. It made me very sad.

She thinks her way is the right way and clearly you do too for some reason?

I don't see where OP clearly believes his way is right

I think the problem is that she either doesn't understand you being an introvert or she doesn't care and just expects you to be like her.

Have you tried sitting down with her and explaining how you feel and trying to work out a compromise with her? If not, why not? And if you've already done this but she's still behaving this way, you're just not compatible. Time to call it a day.

Extroverts and introverts can make it work but it needs understanding, respect and compromise on both sides.

I'm very much an extrovert and I'm dating an introvert. OMG he's such an introvert!! (sounds a lot like you OP). The difference is that I respect his feelings and don't try to drag him to parties or dinners or loud events because as much as I would love him to be there with me, I know it's his idea of hell. So instead we do quieter things together that he enjoys and I go on my own to more 'raucous' activities and that allows him to have some alone time (which he needs as an introvert) or see his friends or family. It actually works really well.

You just aren't compatible I'm afraid OP - she's not wrong to want you to socialise with them and you're not wrong to prefer not to.

She is, however, very wrong to shove the phone in your face. That was horrible of her and you have every right to think that was a dick move.

This compatibility issue is quite a big one and I think it would be better to break it off now.

Usually I'd say maybe you could compromise but her shoving the phone in your face to force you into feeling terribly uncomfortable indicates she won't be willing to be grown up or understanding about it.

Has she apologised?