Has anyone ever managed to get their partner to kick the drink?

[Missboo1]

Hi all.

I have been with my husband 6 years, married for 3 and have a one year old.

My husband's drinking has always been a problem - whenever he goes out he drinks too much and then comes home and is verbally abusive and aggressive. There have been two occasions where I've had to call the police and Ive kicked him out numerous times.

We've tried AA and CBT but I don't think he ever was ready to fully commit. I and my family and his family are fed up. After an incident this week where he downed a half bottle of whisky at home and then was abusive and aggressive I've told him I've had enough and me and my son leave tomorrow.

I love my husband. When he's not drinking he is a lovely guy, a good dad and works hard. It's literally a Jekyll and Hyde scenario. It's not like it happens every week either but every time he does drink it ends badly for me and my baby and the anxiety of that is hard. It's hard when he chooses to go out knowing full well what drink does to him too.

Has anyone ever left and has their partner been able to sort themselves out? He says he is mortified and that he will go teetotal but he has said all that before and I'm very sceptical of him sorting it out. Just feeling so sad for my son who adores his dad but I just can't have him seeing this and being frightened it's just no fair on him.

It sounds like you've given him enough chances - to go back on your ultimatum now would almost certainly be a mistake. And really he needs to do this for himself. Maybe if he gets off the booze for 6 months or a year you could re-evaluate, but you have to be very prepared for the fact that this is almost certainly over.

Oh, and to answer your question a good friend went teetotal after his partner gave an ultimatum and left. He got sober and she went back to him, he stayed sober for about 12 years. He then started drinking again.

She is now his ex wife.

Sorry but you cannot get him to stop drinking, the only person that can stop him drinking is him.

You can't make him stop drinking. He knows that drinking makes him aggressive and abusive to you, and yet he doesn't stop. That tells you all you need to know. He cares more about alcohol than he does about his wife and son. It is your responsibility to remove your child from this dangerous drunk.

Why is he not going?. I presume he has refused to leave so your son and you are leaving. You are doing the right thing by your child here in leaving this man and his associated drink problem. He has merely dragged you and your son down with him.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism too will only properly start when you are he are apart; its not called the family disease for nothing and you remain profoundly affected by his alcoholism.

I doubt very much your son actually adores (and why that word too?) his dad so much as fears him. You as his mother till now have not been able to fully protect your son from your H's alcoholism.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism. Your H is the only one who can address his alcohol problem and unless he himself chooses to do so there is nothing you can do yourself. He neither wants your help or support; not that you are at all qualified in any way to help him. He may well go onto lose absolutely everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards, that is his choice.

Nope.

After a couple of years of Al-Anon I realised I couldn’t “fix” him and my life would revolve around his drinking and the ramifications for me.

I divorced him.

He died a few years later aged just 39.

I’m horribly sad he couldn’t help himself, but glad I saved myself.

It's just so sad and I'm finding it so hard. He adores our son and our son adores him. I feel so guilty that I brought my baby into this knowing that my husband hadn't addressed his issues. Time and time again I've told him he has to be teetotal. Instead its been that he'll stay at his parents or a friend's if he goes out but it's just not sustainable. It's so sad as there are alcohol issues in his family so this cycle has just happened again.

It's difficult because I know a lot of his friends are similar - nasty drunks, or spend too much or put themselves at risk. Because it's not a weekly occurrence (monthly to six weekly) people imply that I should suck it up but he is so frightening.

I think I'm grieving because I know deep down it's over but feel so sad at splitting my family up.
I gave him this ultimatum that I would walk in November after a particularly bad incident where I had to call the police. Since then he'd stayed at his mum's or at friends. Just sad that we were asleep upstairs and he chose to get that drunk. We still room share with our son so it just hurts so much that he's put as at risk like that

My ex husband was an alcoholic my now dh doesn't really drink and if he does he doesn't drink alot and doesn't change in personality. I could never go out with a drinker again it was draining and the jekyll and hide characters are what I believe will never change. Its exactly how I used to describe my ex and so does his current wife.
I think you need to keep in your head of the damage he is causing here to your family.
You can't help him you have tried.
Leave and put your child first it will hurt in the short term because you love him but you will get over it, if you stay it will be even more detrimental to you and your child years down the line when they have witnessed all his abusive ways, you can't stop him drinking but you can take both you and your child out of the situation and you must.
Leave as soon as you can.

How can he adore his son and behave like that? If you love your family, you don't make them live like that.
My DH lost his job and went on a year long bender. Died when his DCs were under 10. My heart broke for them but I was so relieved.

You can't "get" someone to stop drinking. It HAS to come from them. No amount of persuasion, begging, bullying or threats will ever persuade someone to stop drinking.

You have to disengage from it. You have to refuse to allow yourself to be impacted by it, which by the sounds of it you are doing. If at that point he makes a serious commitment to stopping and remaining stopped then you could reassess. But I wouldn't your breath.

You will probably find that once you've decoupled yourself from the situation you can see things much more clearly and realise that you can't have it imposed upon you again. Is it worth the risk of allowing someone back into your life and your home who you need to constantly check up on? Who will never allow you to be comfortable, to trust that it won't start up again?

Your son will have a happier childhood without living with an alcoholic. He can continue to have a relationship with his dad on safer terms.

You have to let go of the hope in order to restart your life. Focus on you and your son, make yourselves as happy as you can be and rebuild your life in that way. What your H does or doesn't do will become an irrelevance. If at some unspecified point in the future he genuinely becomes clean and sober you can renegotiate things from a position of strength and with clear boundaries. You're in no position to do this as things currently stand.

Oh, OP this was me 4 years ago. I was with my EXH 14 years and he was in AA for 10 of them. He started drinking/ taking coke when I was 5 months pregnant with our DS. I tried and tried, I did everything I could for 18 months but the secretive drinking, the abuse both emotional and financial was too much to bear. This is a decision that only your DH can make. Leave, give him time to sort himself and soon you will be able to see what his priorities are. Somewhere like AlAnon will also be really helpful for you (when lockdown is finished!) xxx

You can’t change an alcoholic. No matter how much you love them or how many promises they make you.

You can only leave and hope that they can overcome this disease.

In time they may stop. Or not. You do what’s best for you and dc.

Ive had a parent, a step parent and a fiancé who struggled with alcohol so I know what it’s like. It’s their choice.