Relationship confusion

[EmeliaWotts]

Hello,

I am 23, female. He is 27 (James).

We met late February, over an online chat.

James is a recovering alcoholic and hasn't had a relationship since he was 21.
James has had some strange behaviour I don't understand it, help me depict it..

Within the first few weeks of knowing each other he left his toothbrush at mine and allowed me to wear his hoodie, he was introducing his family and friends. His friend said "so how is your relationship going?" on loud speaker. During this corona outbreak he has been saying "I can't wait to take you out again" (on dates). Also saying that I was the only one he wanted to be with. He calls me 2-4 times a day. Sometimes saying he missed me after just a day.

I said I wanted to slow things down, seeing each other every weekend but later that day he drunk called me "want to come over tonight?" nagging me to.

Because he wasn't listening to me, I told him that I think it is best we end it. Laying it down rather hard. He replied and said "yeah, well I have no feelings for you either. I just wanted this to be casual." Later that day, just after lunch, he drunk called me and said he wanted to pick up his stuff. He came by 20 minutes later drunk enough he couldn't stand. We hugged and had he kept asking me questions about what I was up to, what I was doing later etc.
After dinner he was still quite drunk, he called me again. I went over because I felt bad and wanted to know if he was okay.

We had a chat. I said "but you said you didn't have feelings for me. I don't do casual relationships" "Yeah that is a defense mechanism." he carried on saying "why don't you leave and go find a better man."
He kept saying that over and over until I said "it has only been a month, why don't we try and actually get to know each other, we barely know one another." he perked up and was asking me questions about me and rested his head on my chest.
The next morning, he mentioned that he has never had feelings like his, he feels very vulnerable.
We went out on the weekend and he quickly mentioned that this is a casual relationship and jokes that he will probably die alone.

I am so God damn confused.
I don't trust him. I have had bad experiences with men in the past but this is just different.

You’re 23, what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

If there is no trust there is no relationship.

This man is still very much an alcoholic, why did you choose to get at all involved with him?. He is really the latest in a whole host of bad men that you have seen to date. His primary relationship is with drink and he is still very much drinking, not the actions of someone in recovery.

Love your own self for a change and look at the freedom programme run by Women’s Aid before you go on any more dates. Your boundaries, already perhaps skewed by previous bad experiences, are being further eroded by this individual.

He is one whole lot of messed-up trouble.

Don't get embroiled in his circus, whatever you do.

you’d be a fool to continue with this ‘relationship’. He needs to sort out his ongoing problem with alcohol before he is in any kind of position to be in a relationship, and you have incredibly low standards to think this situation has any legs at all. It certainly won’t end in a happy ending for you.

His "recovery" wouldn't appear to be going very well.

You can't take anything he says while pissed seriously - although he may believe it at the time. If he keeps drinking you're in for a life of misery anyway.

It may be worth telling him you can't be with a drinking alcoholic - come back after a year if he can stay sober - preferably two years.

There is nothing about him that is even close to being "recovered." He is an alcoholic who will drag you down with him. Run for your life.

Firstly he is. It a recovering alcoholic; he's an alcoholic. You will never come first in the relationship unless he is sober

Secondly, unless you plan to self isolate with this man, which I suggest you do not, you need to stop meeting up.

I would suggest that he is not a recovering alcoholic as much as an alcoholic.

He’s also very insecure and very very manipulative.

But really, your post could have been just this one line and all of our advice would be the same:

I don’t trust him.

Why oh why oh why oh why would you EVER consider keeping a relationship going when you’ve already had that realisation? That way utter madness lies. You have a completely sound inner voice, listen to it! Now and in all future relationships!

You don't trust him because he is untrustworthy

Any time there is so much confusion, it's because you are denying the truth to yourself - that the relationship has run its course. The confusion comes from trying to explain and excuse inexcusable behaviour in order to stay in the relationship.