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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it ok for OH to be in touch with ex

22 replies

Pixieme · 12/04/2020 10:31

I’ve been with my OH for 4 yr. had a relationship with him nine years ago but he had to go work abroad, he met & had a relationship for 4 yr with other. he wasn’t happy a lot of it but said he felt stuck, nothing in common, spent a lot of time on his own, she wouldn’t get involved in anything together, they lived like brother and sister, etc. Split amicably. Then he came back to UK and we met back up. We have an amazing relationship, like the same sports, socialise a lot, Lots of holidays and we both feel we are with the love of our lives. We don’t live together, but are planing to, see each other at weekends only (bf lockdown) and we’re ok with it. not self isolating together due to him still working, both young at heart early 50s.
Issue is, during the time we’ve been together he’s still in contact with his ex, When I ? him about it, he told me she contacts him and updates him on her life and and he replies as “they’re friends” told him I wasn’t happy with this and how would he like it, I’ve never done it. He said he would stop and block her, I then found out he’d talked to her on the phone, at length. I find myself checking up on him because he keeps doing it . We talked & he agreed it wasn’t acceptable and said he would stop. Since then I’ve found she’s still messaging him, I ask how he says she sends from a different number or a different account, which I’m not sure I believe.
Anyway, I’ve seen a message in his inbox this morning from her saying “are you not speaking to me” which shows they are still in contact, He’s not replied but could have called her?
I now feel the need to ask him if she’s been in contact as I’m constantly thinking about this, it’s the only thing tarring our relationship for me, his attitude is is never going back to her they’re just friends.
I just don’t know why he feels this is Ok. I think this self isolating is making me overthink things and I just want some advice on how to deal with this. :(

OP posts:

LemonTT · 12/04/2020 10:42

Well I’m not sure how or why you are checking his inbox remotely. That is quite controlling and intrusive if you don’t live together.

He is allowed to decide who he wants to be friends with. I don’t think that appropriate contact with an ex is disrespectful. But if it’s your boundary and he is not respecting that boundary then you should end the relationship.

Constantly snooping and spying is not the solution. You have done that and gotten your evidence. You now need to act on that by ending things or accept this is a friendship he wants.

Sparklingplasters · 12/04/2020 10:46

I’m in touch with a few ex’s. Even the one that really broke my heart (sounds dramatic but true), we messaged this morning in fact, he lives several hundred miles away, before he relocated we met up a couple of times, completely platonic.

Even if he had offered himself up or wanted to run away with me I would have turned him down, because I’m totally over him. Could your partner feel this way too? There’s a big distance between them.

Do you feel like she replaced you when he moved?

BackseatCookers · 12/04/2020 10:51

I'm confused how are you seeing his messages if you live apart during lockdown?

Thymeout · 12/04/2020 10:53

I think you should re-examine your boundary and take his pov into account. You're in your fifties. There are likely to be quite a few exes going back for some people. The fact that you wouldn't do it is irrelevant. Some people's relationships end badly, others fizzle out. Sometimes people do end up as lifelong friends.

You're v lucky to have found an amazing relationship at your age. Don't throw it away. This is your issue to deal with - and not by snooping and prying.

Aerial2020 · 12/04/2020 10:54

Maybe stop checking.
If you feel this is a boundary that is important to you and he keeps crossing it then have a conversation about how you can't carry on like this and break up.
If she is no threat and they really are friends, nothing is going to happen. And if it was, that is out of your control ,whether you check his messages or not ,and he's not for you.
He's a grown up, you can't really tell him who he can message.
You can be unhappy about it and tell him you are unhappy about it but if he carrys on then decide what you want to do.

BilboBercow · 12/04/2020 11:10

You sound extremely controlling. If you were a woman posting here saying your partner was doing this to you I'd be telling you to run.
He's not even responding to her messages, what more exactly do you want him to do?

TidyDancer · 12/04/2020 11:14

Do you think it's acceptable to be this controlling of him? Reading his messages, presumably without his consent, and trying to dictate who his friends are. This is not healthy.

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 12/04/2020 11:19

Sorry but you are being highly unreasonable and controlling. Men and women can be friends without it being sexual.

I am in regular contact with several ex's. Partner (don't live together) is fully aware and has zero issues, he knows I only have eyes for him.

I think you need to grow up.

Whatwedontknow · 12/04/2020 11:32

I stayed in touch with my EXDH for years, his new wife didn’t like it so we stopped. It wasn’t weekly though probably monthly, I miss catching up with him and he misses it too. We still get odd updates through my brother.

There is no desire or plan to get back together but he needed to respect how our contact made his wife feel and he made the decision to end contact. It’s up to you what your boundaries are and up to your OH to make a decision.

Maybe she said are you not speaking to me because he hasn’t replied. Do you not believe they can stay just friends? This self isolation lends itself to overthinking... I think.

Aussiebean · 12/04/2020 11:35

Why can’t he be friends with an ex?

Mum4Fergus · 12/04/2020 11:40

If my partner did this to me (controlling who I communicate with, snooping on my messages) he'd be dropped like a shot!

Original poster

Pixieme · 12/04/2020 11:46

Thanks everyone I’ll take your points on board. Maybe it is controlling, I didn’t think of it that way but will accept it as a few of you have said it. And no, I don’t want him to be in contact with his ex, whether some of you think that’s okay, I don’t like it , and I think the fact that I’ve asked him not to be he should respect that.
What I would say is when he was with her in the beginning she knew about his feelings for me and told him to stop all contact, which he did for the 4 years, hence why I feel this way, why can’t he do it for me.
Thanks all, I will now stop worrying about it, stop checking and asking him and move on, what will be and all that x

OP posts:

BackseatCookers · 12/04/2020 12:06

Are you logging into his emails without his knowledge OP? I think you need to put some measures in place to stop yourself doing that or you'll get too tempted to look again. I'd be really upset if I was him and you were looking at my messages - I'm not sure you realise how intrusive that is as you haven't acknowledged it.

Aerial2020 · 12/04/2020 12:11

Ah I see, he did it for her and he's not doing it for you.
I can see why that would feel rubbish.
Maybe explore that what its triggering in you, something you may not be aware of.
Still, there's not much you can do.

SapatSea · 12/04/2020 12:15

Despite being together for 4 years perhaps you still feel insecure in the relationship, maybe because of what happened first time around. Were you really upset that he went abroad to work? did he make that decision without talking to you?

They may just "be friends" or it may be about either her or them both still wanting a foothold in each other's lives, a crutch or support and link to the past where as you want to have a clean slate, to be be put first above the other woman. You are jealous and feel threatened by their continuing relationship. Do you feel he chose her over you first time round and that it could happen again, that if she needed help he would go to her? Do you feel he is not fully committed to you? It's prefectly reasonable to want to feel first in your OH's life.

Some people don't feel threatened by their partner's having ex's as close friends but other people do and that is perfectly valid. I don't think it's "controlling", because of past life experiences the situation is making you feel insecure and your feelings are just as valid as your partner's. I think you need more reassurance from him about your future and his love for and committment to you.

LemonTT · 12/04/2020 12:45

The issue of the OP being controlling doesn’t just stem from her objecting to the ongoing friendship. It is about her accessing his inbox. They don’t live together so she isn’t doing this as part of some shared arrangement. It sounds like hacking, even if she “knows” his password. She is looking at his private messages from her home not his. This is not healthy. Whether it is driven by her partners behaviour or her own insecurities.

I don’t disagree that much of this is likely to stem from the fact he didn’t think enough of the OP not to walk away to a new job. He met someone else and blanked the OP. Whether that was due to his then partner or his own inclination the OP will never know. She does know he doesn't tell her the truth and his isn’t open with her. It’s chicken and egg as to whether he is secretive because she is intrusive or the she is intrusive because he is secretive.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/04/2020 12:55

I actually think she had more justification than you do for asking him to cut contact. You and he split up for logistical reasons despite being in love. He says the relationship with her wasn't good, which she undoubtedly picked up on, and would have felt insecure about.

It's of course up to you what your boundaries are, and you're perfectly within your rights to ask him not to contact any individual. Equally, he has the right to say he's not prepared to do so. At that point, you both need to make a decision whether the relationship is then unworkable.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/04/2020 13:06

he wasn’t happy a lot of it but said he felt stuck, nothing in common, spent a lot of time on his own, she wouldn’t get involved in anything together, they lived like brother and sister, etc.

this is clearly a big fat lie.... he stay in touch with her because he enjoys keeping in touch with her...

AgentJohnson · 12/04/2020 13:10

Really, you didn’t think that monitoring someone’s email without their permission was controlling?

I despair, I really do, two grown arse women vying for the attention of some flaky man, who at best likes the ego boost and at worst, gets off on pitting women against each other.

I think your request was unreasonable and he should have had the backbone to tell you no. Instead, he chose to lie in order to have front row seat of women vying for exclusivity.

AgentJohnson · 12/04/2020 13:12

How you can class your relationship as near perfect amidst lies and spying, I have no idea.

SandyY2K · 12/04/2020 13:15

Anyway, I’ve seen a message in his inbox this morning from her saying “are you not speaking to me”

This sounds like he's not contacting her any more to me.

My take is you've told him, to stop as you don't like it...he hasn't...you need to make of that what you will.

...and who stays with someone for 4 years when they don't want to. I don't buy the living like brother and sister line.

Constant monitoring of his emails is an invasion of privacy.

TidyDancer · 12/04/2020 13:41

OP, you do not have the right to dictate to him who his friends are. If you can't trust him walk away. But stop hacking into his messages and telling him who is allowed to be friends with.

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