Please don't flame me for this... if it's a bad idea please tell me without putting me down.
My relationship with my childrens father has broken down. We are not married after planning to marry for many years- he always found a reason not to. Yes, I've been naive.
I've been in counselling for 4 years, working on my self and my past choices, working out why things have happened etc and keeping my self sane.
DP and I sleep in separate rooms and live seperate lives. He seems quite content with this whilst I continue feeling like a housewife without the security. Yes, my career has taken a hit through having the children as I reduced to part-time for my own wellbeing as I struggled to cope working full-time with 2 DCs. I actively made the decision to risk my own financial security for the sake of better mental health. I feel trapped in this situation as DP and I are financially trapped together for the next 18 months. We will then be able to separate.
I feel that throughout my time with DP, I've been reduced to nothing more than a household appliance. I do not get my emotional needs met at all and DP is very happy to continue his hobbies and interests, doing his own thing in the evenings in seperate rooms. This has been devastating for me. I realise that as people, we don't really like each other and are like chalk and cheese. In the beginning, we fascinated each other as we were so different. Then our first child came along after I was told I may find it difficult to have children as we worried less about contraception. Everything became harder and I realised how difficult it is for us to live together. I don't regret having a second child with him either as being a mother has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I give my all to my children.
Our relationship has been over now emotionally for around 18 months.
When DP and I speak about our situation, it is clear that he finds our set-up much easier than I do. I am very, very lonely. I speak to and see friends, I would say I have better friendships than DP, but don't have the energy to ignite a colourful social life even if I wanted to as one DC is a terrible sleeper and I'm always exhausted.
I feel rubbish about my appearance as my body has changed a lot since having children. DP doesn't seem to find me attractive anymore.
Obviously due to isolation, DP and I are stuck under the same roof with nobody for support or to socialise with. More frustratingly, DP seems to use me as a verbal release as he has to verbalize all his thoughts throuhhout the day- a constant narrative of what he's going to do next and when.
I feel completely used and exhausted.
I am stuck in this situation for 18 months.
My counsellor had already said that I am one of the few women she wouldn't blame to go off an have an affair in this sort of situation. I have never ever considered it until now. Stuck in isolation with him.
But I keep havong dreams about more exciting and loving times with an ex boyfriend and I wake up yearning for touch and emotional connection.
It has recently dawned on me that to fulfill my emotional needs, I could start chatting to other men online. NOT with any intention of a relationship, but maybe to get me through these next 18 months. To practice flirting again, to practice talking to men again. Even just to laugh again.
I would not reveal a profile picture straight away and would only reveal this if I had spoken to someone for a while. I would be honest about my situation with DP. I have no intention of meeting up with anyone, I just want to feel someone other than this. This appliance-like feeling I have.
Due to covid I am having to work from home and not seeing anyone at all. I'm aware that I'm probably not in the best place to begin a relationship with another man, but I do just want to feel a little desired and to have more excitement in my life right now. DP is obstructive and secretive himself, particularly with money, so I have already begun getting my ducks in a row. I also have a plan for separation. I just need something to keep me going whilst I'm stuck here, I want to feel like a person.
Is online dating a bad idea?