Need advice, does my partner have a drink problem? Am I being unreasonable to ask him to stop?

[15june91]

Hello, I appologise in advance if this is a long post 😳 but I wanted some advice please.

Lately I have been quite Concerned about my partners drinking...
He drinks about 6 pints every night (though it can be more) weekends about 8 or more as he normally starts drinking during the day.
He has always drank allot but the last few years he can't seem to go a day without it, I am finding cans/bottles outside the house in different places. If there is any type of alcohol in the house its gone. He smells constantly of alcohol and I am struggling to sleep next to him for the fumes... Though he says he can't smell it so I'm probably over sensitive to it because I don't drink.

I should stress though he is not aggressive or horrible in any way, at the most after quite a few he slurs his words, becomes louder, sways, is irritating, that type of thing. It is annoying...
We have two young children and he is great with them, he normally starts drinking allot after they have gone to bed so their not really aware of it.

I have mentioned to him I think he drinks to much and he has admitted he probably does but that he just likes a drink. He's tried to stop before (I think to prove to himself he can but only lasts about 3 or 4 days before drinking more. As he feels he's done well) I haven't made a big issue of it but he knows I don't like it.

The trouble is I think my perspective is all off, I grow up with a very emotionally unstable, quite aggressive alcholic family member and honestly next to them my partner seems like a light drinker!

Half of me thinks am I overreacting because he's not aggressive, it doesn't really change his behaviour etc, so should I seriously encourage him to get help? And that I'm probably just over worrying because of my experiences.
And then the other half thinks that this could be quite a problem. I know the signs and this new hiding the evidence thing is a big one.
His mum has also expressed concerns but he gets quite annoyed about this.
Thoughts anyone?

That's a lot to drink each day and hiding the empties is a sign he knows he has a problem..guilt or shame..he needs aa !

He has a problem. There is also the health aspect. I have just lost my Dad to cirrhosis of the liver. He said he drank eight cans a day. My brother steadily progressed, again a beer drinker but I have seen empty vodka bottles. He has lost everything.

I would just be more bothered about the health aspect more than anything. Maybe if he doesnt feel like he has that much of a problem (and you dont) suggest that he gives up during the week and only drinks at a weekend. That way you will be able to tell if he struggles with not doing....also your not sounding bossy banning it altogether...its more like baby steps? Maybe look at it as nipping it in the bud before it goes too far xx

Definitely a problem. Unfortunately there isn’t a lot you can do if he doesn’t want to help himself, other than end the relationship.

I was in exactly this position earlier this year. My dp liked drinking and it wasn’t a problem as far as he was concerned. I really don’t want to alarm you, but my dp had a massive brain haemorrhage that has left him disabled. Every single health care professional we’ve been in contact with has mentioned his drinking. Every single one.

I’m not saying that will happen, but how I wish I had been a bit more firm with him. Having said that, he has to come to his own conclusions about the impact of his drinking.

The chances are he’s feeling fine because he’s constantly topping up.

This is a HUGE problem, and it WILL get worse over time.

But the fact is that this is not a problem you can solve. Unless and until HE recognises it as a problem, there is nothing you can do to help him.

However, there is one thing you can, indeed must do: leave him. Separate from him and make it clear that, unless he gets sober, your marriage is over.

To save your wellbeing and sanity, and to protect your children, you must do this, difficult as it will be. Your future self will thank you.

Yes that is a high consumption rate and he is hiding things which is not good.

Your partner is an alcoholic. The fact that he can’t smell the alcohol on himself is irrelevant. You need to ask him to leave and come back when he’s sober.

Alcoholic! No way is his drinking and behaviour acceptable.

What FlowerArranger said. He’s dependent. You go onto the al anon website and read up on this a bit.

I am afraid the main message for you is that there’s nothing you can do about this. Talking, bullying, pleading with him is not going to work. You have to disengage from him and leave him. If he decides the marriage is more important he may be prepared to stop drinking. But it’s a big if and a hard road. You cannot be responsible for this and need to put your needs first.

Alcoholism is not called the "family disease" for nothing; you and in turn your children are being profoundly affected by this man's alcoholism. You need to get off the merry go around and your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are properly apart.

What FlowerArranger wrote. Please go to Al-anon, they are very helpful to people affected by another person's drinking.

I was not all that surprised either sadly to see that you grew up seeing similar from a family member; you've internalised all those damaging lessons and subconsciously went onto seek out this drunkard man now. That's one of many damaging lessons about relationships you will have to unlearn. You are probably codependent in relationships as well and that state is not helping you either. Talking to him about his drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. You can only help your own self ultimately and I would now plan my exit from this relationship.

The 3cs re alcoholism are that you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Those last two in particular are hard to accept but accept it you must. You cannot stay with this man now and you cannot unsee what you have already seen. His primary relationship is with drink, not you. Its never been with you or for that matter your kids.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here. You are yourself not fully emotionally available to your kids now because you are preoccupied and worried all the time about his drinking. You are also playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses; those of enabler, provoker and codependent.

Alcoholism is not called the "family disease" for nothing; you and in turn your children are being profoundly affected by this man's alcoholism. They do not desire or warrant a drunkard for a father in their lives. You need to get off the merry go around and your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are properly apart.

Listen to Attila's wise words. So many of us have been where you are now. It doesn't usually end well.

Accept that you are powerless to change him. All you can do is help yourself and your DC. Go to Al-Anon for support so that you can detach from him and learn how not to be an enabler. It is likely that this will spell the end of your relationship - you cannot continue to expose your children to this. They will be aware - mine were, right from the beginning. Take them away from this.

Echoing what has been said already, but the very best thing I did when I was in your position op was research Al-anon. You can't get to a physical group right now because of the current lockdown, but there is lots on line, enough to help you a lot.

The book 'Co-dependent No More' by Melody Beattie, although I believe it doesn't quite fit with the ethos of Al-anon, was a very good book for me to read too. The drinker in my life is now my ex, he wasn't then, but I was able to see some of the things that I was doing to try and gain some sort of order and control.

I second the suggestion of 'Co-dependent No More'.

Hello all, thankyou so much for your advice and replies. It has reassured me I am right in feeling the way I do about this.
I am listening to you all. I think leaving him is a bit of a drastic step to take at this moment in time, mostly because I have not sat down and spoken to him seriously enough about my concerns. I have only mentioned it so as not to seem pushy but your all right. I need to really have the conversation and tell him he needs to sort it out and get some kind of support or that's it.
This has been going on for 7 years but the amount is definately going up.
I do agree with your points that drinkers won't change unless they want to. my family member has sat and sobbed on me whilst downing vodka, told me they'll change, that they want to die, then that it's all going to change so many times I have lost count, then the next day they say they haven't got a problem. Its total denial, Back to square one, and it breaks my heart.

I think because that behaviour is so to the extreme and my partner doesn't behave that way I have down played it allot and thought oh well he's not hurting anyone I'll let it carry on...

He is such a good partner and dad that leaving him would be so out of the blue, I think I need to give him the opportunity to try and change this.
But I agree he's going to be damaging his health and I guess that is my main concern and I don't want my children to grow up thinking it's normal.
Its just approaching it the right way, he's a very laid back person and that makes it difficult, I will be stronger with him!

You are also think your right about me being Co dependant or enabling him, the other month I bought him a beer from the shop only for him to joking say "I thought you said I drink to much and then you buy me a beer" and I thought what the hell am I doing, why do I buy it. Since then I haven't bought anymore and won't! 🙄
I will look at al-anon and the book thankyou x

At this stage main problems are health related
Like bloody hell .
And financial , that’s almost £20 a day on alcohol

But honestly , can’t see him changing
He has no compelling reason to

But yes , it’s an issue and don’t think that because he isn’t abusive you are BU to be very concerned

Sounds like a problem, but its very likely you're going to be banging your head against a brick wall trying to get him to change. For many years. Been there, got the t-shirt (and the divorce).
When I spoke to my ex about it, it just sent the drinking more secretive, and onto vodka rather than beer. Worse really, got horrendously drunk, darker depressed moods, drinking earlier in the day etc.
Best wishes

Also you probably shouldn't believe a damn thing he says about stopping, making appointments to see the doctor or anything relating to drinking basically.

Looking back one of my biggest mistakes was to speak to then DP before I’d read Codependant No More book, or researched Al-anon. The conversations that we had once I was better informed were far healthier, but also armed with more information I set much firmer boundaries.

I also came to discover (the hard way) that giving an alcoholic an ultimatum is pointless, or will lead to them choosing alcohol. Having a DP choose to keep drinking came as a shock at the time, although now I understand better how things work.

Ex-DP and I are on good terms now, not having to live with the chaos that his drinking brings is such a relief.

I think the other thing to note is that enabling is far more than buying the alcoholic in your life beer.

Op, my ex is an alcoholic. My experience is that they have to change for themselves. Two years post split, he still drinks. Our family wasn't enough to get him to seek help. You aren't being unreasonable. Look up al anon. I haven't used them but I have heard great things about them.