Why did you pick him to be my dad

[maginachevalier]

Happy Easter everyone,
I know there are more trivial things going on but I would just like to vent. I have a seven year who made the statement or rather asked the question as the title says why did I pick his dad to be his dad. This question came after watching a little boy play with his dad as we were queuing to go into the shop.
A bit of background , I met my ex and after 8 months together , I fell pregnant and he walked out . I haven't seen him since and he has refused to see although he did make some last year and they chatted briefly via video chat . He is married and has two children. I have always encouraged contact but he's not been interested. I haven't been in a relationship since he was born and I can see how much he craves that father figure in his life. I just so disappointed in myself . I have tried dating but no one is interested. He's damaged because of my poor choices and and lack of insight.

Sorry if it doesn't make any sense
Thank you for reading

Blimey, get over your man focus.

I've got crap parents. It does not mean I was destroyed. My DC have single parent friends through parents like you who can't operate contraception through to cancer and RTA deaths. Perfectly lovely children.

Just today my children forlornly said "why don't we have a swimming pool?" after zooming with friends abroad who are much richer in a country where many have a swimming pool.

Don't transfer your feelings onto him. Yes, you have made your dating life more difficult. That's about your feelings really not the child's.

Children people always think the grass looks greener on the other side. They envy others who have more. As parents a lot of the time our job is to be having none of it.

Sadly I’m having the same issues op. Dd who is 9 doesn’t see her dad and he has never really been involved but this time he hasn’t seen her in 3 years. She constantly asks why she hasn’t got a dad, a little while back she became fixated with me meeting someone so she can have a dad (I’ve been single this whole time too) of course it doesn’t work like that but she doesn’t understand why she doesn’t have a dad but all her friends do. It’s hard. I do worry about the effect it’s having on her, the feelings of rejection.

That's awful OP, it's very hard for you when they say things like that.
I never knew my dad who walked out before I was born and I've always felt rejected, not good enough.
I've worked hard to make a good life for myself but I know it's affected my relationship with and attitude to men.
I longed for a father. It makes me so sad on fathers day when friends who have great relationships with their fathers put loving messages about them on facebook. I feel physical pain about it.
I think it's worse because my mother wasn't great either and was very distant and not loving.
I think it's important to be the best mum you can be and try and find relatives or friends who can be a really good role model for him.
i at least had my grandfather and uncles which helped a lot.

And you are not wrong for worrying op, it can cause children to have issues and affect their lives, the feelings of abandonment and rejection are a real thing.

@TorkTorkBam I understand your point but I am in no way projecting my feelings unto neither am I fixated on having a man , I am worried about the damage it's causing for him .
@PumpkinP it is hard isn't it ? I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The worst part is my poor choices have pretty much screwed his life . I feel sad for him everyday .
@madcatladyforever thank you for sharing your experience, that's my worry especially as he knows one of the children ex is raising is not biologically his , not that it's a problem it just highlights the rejection and abandonment even more . I am sorry for how you feel I can't imagine how hurt you must feel . He does have a grandad and an uncle on his dad's side who see him regularly before this lockdown and even said one he wishes his uncle (dad's brother) was his dad

Yeah it is hard. My dd has autism so she can’t really understand even when I try to explain to her, I get it taken out on me a lot that she doesn’t have a dad but it’s not my fault, he doesn’t want anything to do with them (we have 4 children in total but it’s affects dd the most) I’ve tried over the years but the last time we spoke he told me he would never see them again and that he doesn’t want to be a dad and never to contact him again. It’s great that it doesn’t affect some kids but that doesn’t apply to all, none of my exes family see them either so they have nothing to do with the other side of them, which can feel like they are missing something. I don’t know what the answer is really.

can you not tell him why you fell for him? handsome, witty, athletic, well educated, full set of teeth, generous etc.
then equally say that at some point things changed (brain injury, lost job, drug and alcohol problems etc.)
and that the two of you were not longer (happy, healthy, working well together) and are unable to see each other anymore.
after all you did at one point think something was pretty cool about him or was the whole thing a ons and an accident of nature?

Well like you said.....you made poor choices. I guess you will have to deal with that. However you need to make sure your son doesn't miss out and just be there for him.

Agree with a pp that he may be looking for an anecdote about his Dad like who asked the other on a first date? Did you fall for his looks? Sense of humour? Where did you meet? Etc

Sorry DSs dad is so rubbish. It's heartbreaking what some parents are like. I don't have any answers for you as I've not been in that situation but you sound like such a loving caring mum and that goes such a long way. I remember watching Rich House Poor House 2019 Christmas edition and the lady on there has three kids with no visible dad. I got the impression domestic violence could have been involved but not sure. Anyway the oldest child a 17 year old son was so close to his mum but also very capable and a good strong young man. I hope that can be hope for the future. And honestly much much better an absent dad than one who is there and disinterested or emotionally unavailable or abusive. So much better.

You are doing the best you can in a difficult situation! Keep going - I hope he will grow up to appreciate all the wonderful things you do for him.

OP, I thought maybe something from a child of a single mother might reassure you a little.
My dad was not around, he was a terrible heroin addict and then was in prison for the majority of my childhood, going on to be murdered in a random unrelated attack.
Pretty shocking right.
But the thing is, as much as you would expect it to have caused some damage to me, I had an amazing, kind, present and loving mother and because of that I'm a perfectly adjusted adult.
Children can overcome all sorts of things as long as they have a mother they know they can depend on and it sounds like you're doing a great job in that regard. Don't beat yourself up.
Oh and I never blamed my mother for the father she chose for me either.
Try not to worry, you're doing a great job!

Well you can't tell him the real reason...hormones

I like the idea of something more gentle and positive as in because he was handsome and witty and mention he takes after his dad in that way and say but he got your intelligence and kind nature from you.

Single parents are quickly becoming the norm.
I think the key may be to emphasize and show your life is complete and happy without a man.

Kids pick up on things unintentional. The conversation with a friend of how you guys will never meet someone overheard by a child can make them think you're unhappy without his dad or another guy. Said as a whinge with a friend, completely unintentional.

Thank you everyone for your replies , I didn't expect so many . Sorry I can answer individually but to the one who asked it was not a ons and it was unplanned. I don't talk to my friends about it because none of them have the experience. We come from a culture where a relationship or marriage break down is almost always the woman's fault and I was told that once
When he made the statement, it took me off guard and I just didn't know what to say . Thanks to you all I know what to say next time. I am trying my best and I hope it is enough . I grew up with a mom and dad and they are still together. I just my child had the same even if we are not in the same house.

Can any male relatives fill the gap ? Or encourage him to look up to sports coaches.

My son's without a dad because my husband died. There's no point feeling sorry for myself about that. Focus on being a great mum, not agonising over past choices.

Don't get too fixated on a male live-in partner as the gold standard. Stepfathers are not an unadulterated joy for a lot of children, and I never got on with mine, and would have been far happier without.

I never experienced the rejection of an absent father (mine died) and I can understand that feeling must be harmful, but a wholly absent father is better than one who flits in and out and keeps a cycle of rejection/contact going.

You just have to be the best mum you can be and if you have decent male relatives, father/brother etc, they can be excellent male role models and father-figures. You can also look for support from outside agencies, Gingerbread, etc.

Ah, I see, you have no single parent role models. Right, join loads of single parent groups. Find the people you want to be like. Find role models.

Thank you all for your suggestions, it's certainly helped me to deal better with the situation. For those asking, he has uncles and grandfathers in his life 
@PumpkinP I am sorry you are going through the same thing. I know there is no solution apart from being the best we can be I hope you had a good Easter and have a great week