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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I thought the pub was the problem

15 replies

Stickaforkinmeimdone888 · 11/04/2020 23:38

Hello,

    I feel very frustrated and just wanted to have a vent. Before the pubs closed due to lock down my partner went to the pub every night.

Even though we are all in the house, I've never felt so incredibly lonely. He doesn't bother with me or the kids, he pretty much just watches telly in the bedroom, I'll pop in throughout the day to see how he is but he just grunts at me.
Having to stay indoors hasn't been difficult for me as he doesn't like me going out. So I dont go out on my own, only for activities for the children. I asked if he would watch the children so I could go to a support group for anxiety and depression, he said no as it will be full of "melts".
I suppose it's just highlighted that it was never the pubs fault but perhaps there is no future for us.
Every now and again he will do something or talk to me nicely and I will feel guilty for even thinking about life without him.

OP posts:

Zampa · 11/04/2020 23:43

There's nothing lonelier than being in the wrong relationship. You can get through lockdown and use the time to think about what you really want when it's lifted.

Would you leave tomorrow if you could?

Shadowdoor21 · 11/04/2020 23:45

He doesnt like you going out and he doesnt want you going to a group that will support you developing a strong, healthy mindset again? Umm yeh, the pub was never the problem. He is. He is controlling.

Sounds like he has you caught in the cycle of abuse. Where he controls you with guilt. Perhaps also, i wonder, shame? Has he separated you from friends and family in the past?

Anyway. He isnt a nice man and you deserve better.

Shadowdoor21 · 11/04/2020 23:51

Ps: chance are a large amount of your anxiety and depression will lift when you get away from him.

HollowTalk · 11/04/2020 23:53

You will feel so much lighter and happier without him, OP. Start to get your ducks in a row and look forward to a happier future.

BackseatCookers · 11/04/2020 23:55

I asked if he would watch the children so I could go to a support group for anxiety and depression, he said no as it will be full of "melts".

My god what an absolute cunt he is. I'm so sorry OP but this is something that could only be said by someone who just doesn't give a flying fuck how you feel. I am so sorry he's so cruel and cold. How old are the kids? Are they your kids together? Just so people here can maybe help with logistics / support / planning etc

sophielaa · 11/04/2020 23:56

Sending lots of love and good vibes your way 💕

Firstly, I just want you to know that you should never feel bad or guilty about how you feel. And whatever that feeling is, its ok, it's how you feel! ;)

If I'm voicing my opinion!- I would say that it does indeed sound like you have a very controlling partner: it creeps in doesn't it? So you can't see it coming and then boom, you're in it. Without any doubt you need to address the problems you're having to even begin the journey of making YOU happy (which we all deserve). Maybe counselling? It can help, when two people find it hard to address problems and communicate. If however it has gone too far already and you're ready to go - then darling, be brave, be kind, be selfish, start to look after and heal YOU. Before that point you won't be much help to anyone else anyway 💕

Please keep us updated on how you're doing - totally here if you ever need to talk - or rant :)

CrotchetyQuaver · 11/04/2020 23:58

No no no. He does not sound like a supportive loving partner. In fact he could be making you feel the way you do. You might be better off without him.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/04/2020 00:05

he doesn't like me going out. So I dont go out on my own

Controlling...

I asked if he would watch the children so I could go to a support group for anxiety and depression, he said no

you have to ASK for him to care for his own kids...

OP please find the strength to leave this clown

Original poster

Stickaforkinmeimdone888 · 12/04/2020 00:21

Ohh golly, thank you all for such kind replies.
If I could end the relationship tomorrow I think I would, but I know that when the time comes for him to move out he will most likely be a pain. We separated about 9 years ago and when I started to move on he shoe horned his way back in. There have been one or two occasions after that when I found out he had cheated and I tried to end things it was more of the same and we ended up staying together.
I wouldn't say he has separated me from friends and family, we got together when I was 17 and moved away, but at the time it felt good as my home life wasnt great. He suggested we have a baby, with him being older I thought everything he said was right. So just after my 18th birthday i had a baby but no friends or family. I'm not very good at making friends. He has told me in the past that he has ruined me and that no one else would ever look at me now I have kids.
I have suggested counselling to him, when I found out he had cheated, but he doesn't think that sort of thing is helpful.
Thank you all again ❤

OP posts:

BackseatCookers · 12/04/2020 00:27

Firstly... HATS OFF. I'm 33 so the fact you have been a mum since half my age and clearly put the kids first since then is incredible. Do not underestimate how much of an absolute catch this makes you - that takes a strong, competent and impressive force of a woman.

Which means that you absolutely deserve to be treated as such. By someone who is proud of you, thinks you're someone that enriches their life and who is worth feeling valued and loved.

The fact that he doesn't think "that sort of thing" I.e. the sort of thing that would empower you to make an informed decision about staying with him or not speaks volumes.

He has told me in the past that he has ruined me and that no one else would ever look at me now I have kids.

This is something he has said because he is hateful. He probably hates the fact you are more competent and mature than he can hope to be. If he told you how out of his league (based on his disrespectful behaviour) you are then he would lose you. So he can't tell you that. But we will!

Show your kids this is NOT how a healthy relationship is. That they deserve to be happy, not cheated on, not told they are damaged goods (ugh!!!)

Whatever he says to you, imagine your child's future partner saying to them, and act in the way you would want them to act. You can make that more likely for them by showcasing that behaviour.

If you can't leave for you, leave for them

Shadowdoor21 · 12/04/2020 01:37

Counciling doesn't make monsters human. And monsters dont want to be human anyway.

It is never recommended to go to counciling with an abuser. They twist everything to their benefit.

I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time.

Yes leaving him might be stressful. But the alternative is living with someone who hates you, forever. And make no mistake, he hates you.

I echo pp, what do you want for your beautiful child? I'm sure you dont want them to grow up thinking men can treat women this way and get away with it. Or heaven forbid, for them to grow into someone like him.

You might not feel it but you are incredibly strong. Think of all you have been through. You can leave and you can succeed and be happy.

I'd go to that class and share with them what's what for a start. Just go. He cant leave the kid alone. Dont tell him you are leaving and go. You can also speak with women's aid for advice.

There are YouTube videos on narcissists like him and how to break free. Melanie tonia Evan's is good. Just dont watch it with him in the house. And never let on you know what he is.

You can do this. Millions have. So can you.

AdaColeman · 12/04/2020 02:02

The reason why he is sometimes nice to you, is that he is ensuring that you stay firmly under his control.

He can’t risk you discovering what a nasty controlling abuser he really is, so occasionally he pretends to be nice, and of course you fall for it every time, and don’t question his behaviour.

Does he go out to work usually? If so, could you go to your support course without him knowing? However, I do think you should be very careful and not give him any indication that you are questioning your life with him. He is clearly a determined abuser, and could turn nasty if he thought he was about to lose his victim.

It would help you to speak to a Woman’s Aid councillor who would be able to offer you advice tailored to your situation.

All the best to you 888.

Northernsoullover · 12/04/2020 02:09

I know this isn't on your list of priorities now but many many men will try and say no one will want you when you have children. It was untrue when my mum married my lovely stepdad 45 years ago and its untrue now.
But before any of that you need to leave him and work on your confidence and self esteem. He's ground it out of you.

Shadowdoor21 · 12/04/2020 02:12

Too true. Besides! Even if you remained single after you left him, what would be so bad about that?! Absolute freedom to live your life as you see fit! Without some twat telling you what to do or not to do. Bliss.

sophielaa · 21/04/2020 09:56

How is everything going? Are you ok?

Yes yes yes 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 @backseatcookers that's what I'm saying!

In these low moments of our lives, we don't see how amazingly strong we are! That's human psychology for you. Just remember that. Even when you don't feel it. You are! We become what we think.

Sending big love to all 🙌🏻💕

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