Doesn't know if he'll ever love her as much as his first love !

[cherishthelove]

Just finished a call with my sister. She has been with her boyfriend for nearly two years. They are currently in lockdown together but she works four days a week .
She told me today that he has said that he doesn't think he'll ever love a woman as much as he loved his first girlfriend.it was in the context of how hurt they'd been in the past. She seemed disappointed but I was shocked that he would say that. I now wonder if hens serious about her as she thinks he is? The man is 34 btw!

Anyone? Perhaps I'm too old fashioned ?

I would be worried if I was her, but my best friend says the same thing (she was with her first boyfriend for 5 years, he ended it) and she’s now happily (or at least seems to be) married with a baby, so maybe for some people it’s true? I wasn’t with my “first love” for that long (5 months) so I can’t really relate or say if it’s “normal” or not as I got over it within a year or two max and certainly don’t consider her the love of my life.

No that is a shitty thing to say, how can she be with him knowing she will ,at best, always be second best?

Not for me. However have you maybe not understood what he was saying, maybe he wa saying he is more guarded now?

I couldn't live like that, and what a horrible thing for him to say.

That would be a deal breaker for me. I would always be wondering if I was good enough, it would eat away at my self esteem.
She deserves to be with someone who will love her like she's The One, in my opinion.

What an appalling lack of empathy by him. Actually I can sort of understand where he could be coming from. My first boyfriend I was ridiculously in love with. God I cringe at the love letters and stuff. But looking back I was just as excited by the sensation and the novelty. I still know my first love and there is no way we could have had a satisfying mature relationship. But I have never discussed this my dh.

Your sisters bf's emotional immaturity and lack of empathy would be a problem for me.

I think first love is special for most people. It’s the first intense feeling we experience and the memory of that stays with us forever.
And of course the first heartbreak also gets etched in the memory.
However - those normally happen to us when we are late teenage/early twenties. Still not fully mature adults that we become later.
/
So - that intensity, that desperation, that feeling that our life would end if we weren’t with that person - that sort of love probably doesn’t come around again, and for a good reason. Its teenage love, not something that can often survive into adulthood and last a lifetime.

Your sister must have had her own first love just as well. So - I’d not worry about his past - it’s in the past.
He is a little silly and insensitive to put it that way, but I think it’s more down to being not too emotionally intelligent, rather than anything.
Your sister should judge her relationship based on the actual relationship, not her bf past.

Hmm. Maybe it’s unfair but I’m like that about someone. Not my first boyfriend but the first person I was in love with.

I’m a different person now, I couldn’t ever love anyone as much as I was in love at that time. I was young, hadn’t had various downs of life happen. They changed me. Doesn’t mean I want to be with the person I was in love with then though, I don’t. But I’ll never love anyone like I did my first love. I love DH but it’s a different kind of love.

What a self absorbed selfish Prick to actually verbalise that to his current partner

it's not a 'little silly' it's downright fucking offensive in a current relationship.. it's disrespectful and insulting and nasty...

WTAF... I'd be booting her woeful arse right out the door.. so he can fondly reminisce over his loss in the privacy of his own Lockdown... TWAT

HIS not her ..

What was the context of the conversation? Were they talking about ex’s and having “that” chat? Or did he just come out of the blue and say it? I think that makes a big difference.

She said they were just talking about first loves and he said that he was so broken up after her that he believes that he will never love another woman like that again! I am
Gobsmacked but there have been many things that have set alarm bells in the last year that make me wonder if she is being used as a second best.My sister worships him and is like a mother to him which he loves. I think he may be settling. Thanks

The wording is vague. I'll never love someone again like I loved my first love. Doesn't mean I haven't loved others as much. It's just different (and much healthier and deeper)

If I thought I'd ever love a man "as much" as my first boyfriend, I'd have myself sectioned.

First loves tend to me unhealthy, co-dependent and full of drama.

With each successive LTR I've had in my life, I've been more in control of my emotions, clearer and firmer about boundaries, and handle the break-ups much better.

So no, I'll never love anyone like I loved him - thank god!!

Context is everything though. Only your sister knows if he meant it the way I mean it, or if he said it deliberately to keep her on the back foot.

When they spoke about their relationship and future, he brought his into conversation . That was the context .
I think he is keeping her in the back foot sometimes

He’s setting her up for low expectations. He must think he has his feet under the table and she’s hooked. He thinks she’s past the point of seeing that SHE is the one settling. If she’s doing “mothering” I’m assuming she gets to do all the cooking, cleaning and household chores while he gets to treat her like shit because he warned her he will always love someone else more.

She needs to run for the hills. Can she kick him out? She needs space to process this before he jumps in and minimises or gaslights her. You’re right to feel concerned.

First loves can be weirdly intense. It's a once only deal. But usually people understand the context and see it as no bad thing. What he is doing sounds more like an avoidant personality technique for not fully committing to the current relationship.

It would be a ‘buh-bye’ from me.

Either he’s hung up on his ex, or he’s an idiot.

That’s a horrid thing to say and it would make me reconsider the relationship entirely if someone said that to me. If that’s how he feels why is he wasting her time.

Although it does depend how he meant it - could he have meant that the crazy heartbreak he experienced after was a ‘first-time love’ sort of thing? Rather than meaning that your sister doesn’t compare to this other girlfriend?

@cherishthelove, my STBX husband of 26 years has gone back to his ‘first love’ and ‘true love’ and ‘soulmate’ after dumping her twice 28 years ago. I cannot describe my pain after this betrayal in what seemed to be a happy marriage. He was in touch with her the whole time we were together and didn’t even lie to me as he never mentioned her. He has lied about the affair continually since I found out about it. The fact that your sister’s partner has been honest about his feelings may be a very hopeful sign. My advice to my much younger and naive self: invest in myself first and walk away at the first red flag. Only your sister can decide what that looks like for her.

How long was he with his first love? I think those teenage first loves are like no other in that they’re very intense, there’s less expectation/pressure and often not effected by day to day worries in the same way as when you’re older. However most of us know that they are different to adult relationships and even if you stay with your first love the relationship won’t be the same as it is at the beginning.
Also you say she’s like a mother to him?

First loves can be weirdly intense. It's a once only deal. But usually people understand the context and see it as no bad thing.

Very much this!

And, in this sense, I guess I'll also never love someone quite like my first love ever again. I was head over heels, and so was he. It was incredibly intense and emotional and therefore utterly consuming. I still love him to some extent and presumably always will. And I know he feels the same about me. That doesn't even mean I won't love anyone else as much. Just not "like this".

But, and that's one big hell of a "but": that's not what a healthy adult relationship is. And it's also not only love for the other person (which may really also rather be infatuation, I guess) but, I suspect, very much also love of the intensity and the all-encompassing nature of the experience.

My first love is now a good friend. We both have children with other people (and he's married to the mother of his). We've had plenty of chances to get back together - and we haven't and wouldn't because we're both grown arse adults and know full well that we're not really compatible.

Having said that, I'm very much able to experience intense crushes even in my 30s. I'm perfectly aware that they will not last an entire LTR but also very much wouldn't consider ever dating someone again with whom I didn't have this in the beginning. (Tried once, it was 2 years of drama-free boredom, he's the only ex of mine I regard as a mistake even though it was one of the "better" relationships I've had objectively.)

But then, these are conversations you have with your partner if you're absolutely confident they can cope and will see it similarly. I just wouldn't otherwise. It makes people feel insecure and may hurt them if they misunderstand.

Only your sister can decide what she will make of that.

I'm another who is very thankful for my first love going drastically wrong because with some perspective I can see that it was co-dependent, unhealthy and abusive (mostly psychological but physical towards the end too).

But, with that said, if a man ever told me that I'd always have the niggle in my mind that I was constantly second best to a rose-tinted dream that he was holding on a pedestal. I've learned I'm better than that so I really wouldn't stick around to be honest.

I hope your sister finds some clarity.

Vile thing to say and it can't be unsaid now. So self absorbed to hurt your Dsis like that. It can be a ploy to keep someone at arms length, a get out card at any time whilst at the same time it often makes the gf try even harder in their efforts to be the best gf ever. It can be a powerplay, he has the upper hand if she accepts she's not likely to ever be "the one."

I hope instead of trying even harder in her efforts to love and care for her "D"P that your Dsis after lockdown can start to put her own needs first.