To realise that I haven't found my soul mate...

[SausageCrush]

I'm mid 50's with teens.
The lockdown has given me time away from my usual frantic pace of work and some quiet time to spend with my family.
With a sinking feeling I realise that my relationship with OH isn't based on mutual love, trust and kindness. It is based on distance, smoke and mirrors.
It's not bad enough to contemplate a split, but it has made me see that we don't have that special bond, that connection, that feeling of being soul mates.
It makes me sad ☹️

Most people do not find a soulmate. That doesn't mean you don't have a good relationship.

Sausage, I am similar age and gave been having similar thoughts. This isolation period has thrown everything under the limelight to reveal the cracks. As you say, distance keeps things hidden, both working and keeping busy in other ways. But we don't have a close connection and I've been over it so many times in my head that there are a lot of good things and a long history dating back 30 years. I feel lonely because we're not great company for each other. But it scares me to start a new life as I've known only this.
What do you think your OH feels about your relationship?

im mid 50's, single and cannot imagine having a relationship just for the sake of it..

that is an absolutely abhorrent thought

although to be fair, I think the whole soul mate thing is a load of crap

Have you talked about how you are feeling? Maybe it's time to re-evaluate your relationship and how you both feel about things. It could be a great opportunity to improve things for the coming years, or perhaps recognise that you have both changed.

I'm mid 50's

...and you still believe in soul mates?

Distance, smoke and mirrors sounds like shit. More than enough reason to end things.

I do think, however, that you need to set realistic expectations: respect, trust, kindness, mutual support etc are what a relationship is made of. It's hard work.

If your current on is not like that then LTB.

Maybe you were unhappy before without realising it?
SImilar to Christmas period, people are stuck together
I think the divorce rates will surge after this.

we don't have that special bond, that connection, that feeling of being soul mates.

A relationship, like most things requires work, effort & maintenance - have you BOTH been working on your relationship through the years or has it been neglected & fallen by the wayside due to busy lives?

The grass is greener where you water it.

Have you only just realised?
I knew this before
Though I agree that the enforced spending of time with each other and stripping away other busy-ness brings it under the spotlight and shines a light on the cracks.
Sadly for us the very real possibility of very trying financial plans means any thoughts of counselling, and considering a split probably have to be parked for a while. All feels a bit self indulgent now and we just have to get through it.

• financial times I meant

I don't believe in soul mates. I did think I'd found a life partner, an equal, a mutually supportive relationship with someone who would be by my side through thick and thin. However the past 6 years went up in smoke this week when he physically pushed me in an argument. Not hard, it didn't hurt me, but it crossed a line. And made me realise that we had to be done. I'm pretty devastated by it, though I haven't cried yet. With everything else going on it all seems like rather an extended bad dream.

I think the idea of a soulmate or The One is a romantic notion that belongs to the books and movies.
Long relationships that span different phases of life, child rearing, aging - can’t ever really match that romantic expectation of happily ever after.
I think - it’s all in the balance. When happy/good bits outweigh the bad bits - you are OK. When balance tilts towards the unhappy bits dominating - then maybe it’s time to leave.
You, as you say, aren’t Unhappy enough to think about leaving.
It is possible - that isn’t not only the relationship that is the issue - the lockdown itself has a profound impact on all of us.

I was lucky, 7.6 billion people in the world and I found my soul mate 2 miles down the road working in Asda, who'd have believed it

The only soul mate relationship that exists, as far as I'm concerned, is the one we have with ourselves. Otherwise it's just a load of romantic hooey.

Do you think you've fallen out of love with him or never really loved him? Could you work at the relationship to overcome it before throwing it away? You should talk together about how you can regain what you had or how you can build your relationship back up.

I've been with DP 25 years, I love him more now than I did when we met. I wouldn't say "soul mate" but I would say we both love each other deeply whatever the situation.

I’ve been married for 30 years I’ve never been with anyone else, I’m happy...ish but I don’t think he is my soulmate, I don’t believe there is such a thing 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks all for your wise words. I'd had a couple of extra glasses of vino last night and was feeling sorry for myself!

I was thinking you'd all say LTB 😁

Actually I've been thinking more about it and think part of the problem is coming from me. I've always been a bit of a romantic and probably have some fairly unrealistic expectations about life in a long term relationship.

Rather than resenting the fact that that he's not Mr Perfect, I'm going to work on the good bits and see where we get to.

“I think the idea of a soulmate or The One is a romantic notion that belongs to the books and movies.”

This. In fact, Caroline Myss has an interesting take on soulmates - since their function is to make you grow, your soulmate may well be the person who irritates you, challenges you and regularly pisses you off mightily...

Even the best long term relationship can lose its sparkle. Everyday life can so easily overtake. Two extremes, but I think the happiest couples are those who have either overcome great difficulties together, or those who have had few problems, and no children. The latter may be because they have never been challenged. Not sure about the soul mate thing. Perhaps its just really being with someone who one jogs along with in harmony. However, there is sometimes a 'connection' with a person, that seems to go deeper, and they might not necessarily be someone who you would live with. Or the opposite sex.

Thanks for this post - it has helped me. I’m a chronic over thinker and being apart from my boyfriend has made me conjure up all sorts of problems that normally, due to work, kids, life etc!! that I wouldn’t even notice resulting in me having the same doubts as you OP.

I too over romanticise things and I think my expectations are too high. Another post on here really helped me think about getting different things from different people. My boyfriend is lovely in so many ways but he’s not a talker and I am. I’ve had to learn to accept that some of my issues are best talked over with my best mate who has known me all my life. I’ve also come to accept I’m a complicated person and I don’t think one person can ever give me everything but he certainly brings a great deal to my life. I don’t think a ‘soulmate’ for me would be possible as it’s just not how my brain works, I seek perfection due to living in fantasy land after a long and abusive marriage but I recognise it and am working on it.

I’ve been listening to podcasts on over thinking (the irony!) which has helped and I’ve just ordered The Power of Now - we are not our thoughts!

@SausageCrush there’s a lot of rotters out there. If he brings plenty of positives to your life and you can look at getting anything you lack in other ways, from other people then definitely hang in there. This surreal situation we are in really isn’t helping so don’t make decisions till you’ve spent some time with him again. Sorry if that’s rambling but in essence I just totally get where you are coming from!