Tell me about your next relationship after leaving your DP/DH!

[ShadowLightning]

I split with DP end of last year. We’d been together 12 years. I ended things because I didn’t love him anymore and hadn’t for probably 2 years (maybe more). He’d had a couple of violent outbursts and a lot of shouting before, but final motivator was him slapping me in the face during an argument early last Dec.

I went into dating about 6 weeks ago but only for casual as it felt too soon for anything else. However lockdown is making me lonely and now I’m starting to seriously think about how it will feel to be in an actual relationship.

So tell me - did you meet ‘the one’ afterwards? Did you end up in a few short terms? Was having a child an issue (I’m really nervous about that to be honest!)?

For reference, I’m still (barely) talking to my casual at the moment, but I’m talking to a couple of other guys to pass the time and I’m not sure how I would ‘know’ things could be something more. It feels like a strange, unknown world!

I got into a relationship with DP very quickly after my long term relationship ended. He's definitely the one for me and we both knew very early on. I have DCs and it hasn't been an issue. DP did say he was intending to look for a woman with older, teenage DCs or none but meeting me changed that and he really likes my DCs.

Ive never had a problem with having a young child but I have had a problem with crap men.
Finished with XH in 2012 and got into a serious relationship 2 yrs later which I ended after 2.5 years as he was incapable of being honest with me.
Since then my intolerance level of crap men has intensified so nothing has worked out.
Ive given up completely on a relationship

Left my ex in Oct 2018 after he cheated on me. The few years prior, things had gone downhill, so the OW did me a favour to be honest!

I decided not to look for another relationship and just wanted to stay on my own for a while. I was having a lovely time and 2019 was a brilliant year. I got my confidence back and my social life was busy. Then in Oct 19 I met my new man by complete accident via friends. We live a few hours away from each other but it has been wonderful. Only 6 months in and we definitely want to be together long term. He is early 50s and I'm late 40s. We both said how it was funny that neither of us were not looking for a relationship at all, but here we are! It's sad we are separated by CV-19 but know it's not forever! I think the key is that I had realised I don't actually need a relationship at all...having a relationship doesn't define me. He feels the same so we both know having each other is a bonus. I can truly say this is the most grounded and mature relationship I've had in my life. There is no drama, we talk about everything and it has been effortlessly easy. Despite the distance we have slotted into each others lives quite well. He gets on with my adult DCs really well too whereas my ex (not father of my DCs) was a jealous a-hole at times. I wasted too many years with him...I regret it so much. Thankfully I can now look forward to a future with someone who is more balanced, loving and family orientated!

I ended up with a complete cockwomble and after I ended that relationship I decided my dd didn’t need all the shit of my relationship disasters in her childhood. I’m single and staying that way. I am much more content since I made that decision 2 years ago.

Good luck though, I’m sure there are some nice men out there - somewhere

My marriage ended 7 years ago. Since then I have done a lot of online dating, lots of dates, 3 short term things and one who I thought was forever but really there were a lot of warning signs and he was not really ready for a new relationship following the breakdown of his own marriage (not caused by me he had been separated for a couple of years before we met!) and a few other issues.
I have been fully single nearly a year now and am not really looking for anything. My kids are at an age where I cannot really hide dating from them, but they are not really old enough to be left on their own and are with me 100% of the time. I just don't think I can be bothered to put the time in that dating requires. It's roughly 4 years till eldest leaves school and 7 for the youngest so I may consider proper dating when they are independent but at the moment I honestly cannot be arsed and would rather put that time and investment into my children. 'Dating just takes so much time - all that messaging etc at the beginning, then the angst whilst you go through the first few dates then figuring out if there is any chance of it becoming anything. Then if it does, figuring out if you can actually make things work. I just don't have the emotional energy!!!

I was with XH for 12 years. We had 3 DCs. After we split (mutual decision as we’d tried counselling and realised neither of us was happy with the other) I dated a few guys briefly.

I’d been separated from him about 6 months when I met DP. He’d been separated from the mother of his DCs about the same amount of time.

He’s the absolute polar opposite of XH in almost every way! I don’t know if I was subconsciously looking for that, but it is remarkable how different they are (XH was older, introverted, sensible, frugal, into exercise, didn’t like Tv or films, quite self centred, neat freak - probable ASD. DP is younger than me, extroverted, funny, generous/reckless with money, loves food, loves movies and gaming, loves helping others, messy)

The same could be said of myself and DP’s ex too - total opposites!

He brings me so much joy and happiness and fulfils me in ways XH just couldn’t/didn’t want to. XH is also happier now on his own, as I don’t think he was ever really cut out for a family.

Having children wasn’t an issue when dating - I had plenty of interest from guys, despite having 3 DCs, but of course it does need a little bit of coordinating trying to date when you both have parental responsibilities. We got together with all the DCs reasonably quickly because he had his 50/50 and I had mine 6 nights a week, so there was rarely a free night with no DCs.

I think it’s important to see what someone is like as a parent to really know them as a person and to know if you’re compatible, so I wouldn’t leave it for a year or something, as is often suggested on here, just in case you become close and then have to end it because your DCs hate each other!! Obviously get to know someone well, but actually my DCs hung out with various friends of mine - some female, some male - when I was single, just because I had more free time to socialise, so you don’t have to introduce someone as a potential partner.

BTW sorry I meant to say, I’m sorry that your ex turned out to be a violent asshole. Have you done the freedom programme? Might be worth just getting your head straight around all that, making sure you have your boundaries in place (you clearly do have boundaries for leaving him when he became violent, but just make sure you don’t settle for any other shitty/abusive behaviour) before you start properly dating. These types seem to have a radar and can spot someone vulnerable from miles off. Take care

3 months after a long term relationship that involved children seems unbelievably quick to be even considering dating.

I split up with my DP (father of our two children) six years ago. I haven’t had another relationship. I don’t want one. I’ve had the odd date and fwb occasionally but I’m very happy being single. It wasn’t even a massively unhappy relationship. No abuse either.

Thank you for your replies. It’s really interesting hearing how some of you decided to not pursue further relationships. Do you think that will ever change?

It’s really nice hearing how some of you have met someone lovely after your previous relationship. It’s quite inspiring.

I’m not actively looking for a relationship at the moment. Well, nothing serious for now. But Ive already had more attraction and passion in my short casual relationship than I’ve ever really had in my long term and being housebound at the moment is making me reflect on what I’ve been missing out on over the years.

Admittedly I was worried that men would be put off by me having a child, but the ones I’ve spoken to don’t seem phased (I don’t tend to mention it until at least a week or two of chatting - normally I wouldn’t mention it until a date but strange circumstances at the moment!).

I was single for about 6 months after leaving my exh. My next relationship lasted about 18 months, but looking back it was quite a toxic relationship, we were more like fuck buddies but he was quite controlling and it was a 'do as I say, not as I do' type thing.

After I left him I met my now dh fairly quickly, but my relationships with my exh and mr toxic taught me what not to put up with in a relationship. I did a fair bit of work around boundaries etc before settle in down and remarrying

I met my now DH five years after leaving my abusive first H. Before that, I was single. I focussed on the DCs (who took up all my time and energy, anyway) and treating myself well.

It took a while to figure out who I was, what I liked doing. I had to work out: did I enjoy watching TV every evening because I'd never been allowed to before or because I actually enjoyed it for myself? What food did I actually like and what was rebellion?

I dreamt about a perfect partner, but most of the time I was pretty disappointed in the men I saw around me and really happy not to be tied to any of them!

Then I met someone at work. We became friends, then more. He has so many of the qualities from my perfect partner daydreams! I still had to be cautious, though. It was not easy remembering to say what I wanted if it was different from what he wanted, for example planning a day out or something. We took things slowly, especially involving him in the DC's lives, which was just occasional days out or days in for the first two years. He's definitely a keeper, though, and he makes me very happy and always has. If he hadn't, I'd have got rid. I knew I could thrive while single.

I had a couple of relationships after I split up from my husband, the first probably about 8 months after. Both were definitely not right for me, they both had their issues, as did I. In hindsight I wasn't in the right place for relationships & probably just wanted to feel wanted. Had a break for a while & had a try at online dating, but went into with the mindset that it was just for a laugh. Had a couple of dates, nice guys, but not for me. Was about to come off again & met my current partner. Completely not my type in any way, but absolutely the best of the bunch. We get on brilliantly in every way & never stop laughing. Goes to show that my type was obviously the wrong type for me.
Regarding children, we both have kids & juggle their schedules around our dates. We both decided early on that we wouldn't bring them into the mix, although we have all met. We just feel its too early to play happy families.

I was with exh for 15 years (out of school)

He was horrible, controlled all finances and made me ask permission to do any spending despite earning nearly £30k a year myself

He became grotesquely fat shortly after we married and so quickly he had stretch marks all over his gut.

Found out his father was also a convicted peodophile and so I left as soon as I made a plan.
Took me about 6 months.

Moved in with parents.
Met someone else pretty much straight away, moved in together and had a baby the following year and never been happier.

Exh told everyone I’d must have cheated on him so I haven’t heard from some friends since I left.
One of which was my bridesmaid!

That was 5 years ago now