Friendship Phase-Out

[Curious78]

My best friend of over 20 years has been carrying out what feels like a gradual phasing-out of our friendship. She changed careers, got real busy, forged new friendships etc. She started confiding in me less often and the conversations would all be initiated by me. We went through a period of not talking at all for 6 months last year because I stopped reaching out, until I got in touch over Xmas to wish her and her family all the best etc. and we re-connected. I took a break from Facebook last year (mini detox, no reason in particular) and re-joined a few days ago. I have been catching up on a few friends, seeing what they've been getting up to etc. and that was when I noticed that for the last 2 months, my best friend has had a boyfriend. I didn't even know the guy existed...

I think it's fair to say our friendship has run its course and although it's part of life's changes, I can't pretend I'm not hurt by it. I guess I just figured that after 20+ years, we'd see it out together until the end.

Has similar happened to you? How did you deal with it, did you address your thoughts and feelings with them or did you let them simply slip away?

Have you been the one who stopped confiding in your best friend? Did you regret not keeping in touch?

I've had similar happen to me, and yes it does hurt. Sadly you can't make someone want to be friends with you so if she has moved on there is little you can do. I do stay in touch with my friend still but accept the fact things aren't the same and I now only see her a couple of times a year. Instead I've worked on building new friendships and now have a few good friends rather than just one. The hurt does ease but I will always be sad that we're no longer as close

My story is a little similar and a little different.

Yes. It is very sad to lose any friendship but a friendship needs to work both ways.

I didn’t want to share anything with my old friendship group for a few reasons - I instigated a lot of initial contact but didn’t feel a lot of the attention was reciprocated, and therefore I didn’t feel like they deserved to know the finer details and how I felt.

I’m sad we’re not friends, but I don’t miss chasing people.
It doesn’t mean it’s malicious but out of sight out of mind.

I've pulled away from a lot of close friendships in the last year or so.
I realised that the friendships weren't really bringing anything to my life. They were great for nostalgia, and I still look at things from the past fondly. However, I didn't feel as though they brought much to the table going forward.

We would get together and mostly drink and reminisce. I was in the process of leaving alcohol behind entirely and found that without it a number of my closest relationships weren't anything much without it.

Whilst it might not be the same thing exactly, people do just outgrow relationships. See this as an opportunity to grow into something new.

Yes I’ve had friendships naturally wane, been ghosted by some, and a couple that died because we went off to different countries (pre Facebook!)

It’s the latter that I wonder about. I wonder how they’re doing, if they’re happy. Tried searching for them online but no luck.

The ones that ghosted me I don’t wonder about much, they clearly weren’t real friends. There was one friend who I liked a lot, even though she was sometimes mean. I ghosted her for my own mental health as I think friendship was a bit toxic.

I now just have 3 good friends (of 20 years +). Gradually lost touch with most others, life took over.

I agree with PP that some friendships can run their course if all you do is be nostalgic when you catch up and don’t add value, fun, support to each other’s current life.

Do you feel left behind after her new career and new friendships - do you feel “inferior” like she has progressed?

You know how you can 'love' someone but not be 'in love' with them? I think there can be similar with friends, you can 'like' someone but not be 'in like' with them, so to speak.

They can be nice people, but they just don't resonate with you anymore. And when life gets busy, and you only have so much time and energy, then you invest it in people that you do resonate with, and have that strong connection with.

In my case I have enough drama and difficulties in my life right now to not have the energy for anyone else's lives unless they really matter to me, so a lot of my friends have had to fall by the wayside. I keep in occasional contact with a lot of them and we update each other, but we don't share in each other's lives like we did in the past. Others, I'm afraid I just haven't connected with at all for a long time.

Just surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, who are on your side. I have made lots more new friends and as you get older you just start looking for a different kind of friendship - acquaintances - for light hearted fun. Some of these become deeper over the years - but it’s more about them being relevant to your current life.

I have 2 people who are pestering me currently - one I worked with 5 years ago - saw a couple of times afterwards - really have nothing in common, last saw her 3 years ago, not interested in picking up friendship and another from school - last saw her 5 years ago - was part of a wider group have nothing in common and can’t be arsed to waste a night out listening to her bragging about her 3 gifted sons ..... so just ignoring those two. I thought I had faded and they have come back out of the woodwork.

I've phased out friends before and it's not because they have done anything wrong I just felt like the friendship had run its course and I was beginning to feel like a chore to catch up with them. I know it's a little hurtful but people are very different at either ends of 20 years so I wouldn't worry about it too much. If you felt it's been one sided for a while then it'll give you a great sense of relief to break the chain entirely.

Yes had the same happen to me with my best friend after I got pregnant & I even after having my ds. She has fertility issues. She's not phased me out completely but our friendship hasn't been the same since & we're no where near as close.

One of my other friends ghosted me completely after I had a miscarriage. We worked together & were pregnant at the same time. She left the job because she couldn't be around me. We did reconnect after a while but our friendship is pretty much over. We're polite to each other when we cross paths but that's about it.