Unhappiness or guilt

[TeawithCakes]

Hi,

I’ve posted before about the fact my marriage is as dead as a dodo. Age gap, no connection, no affection, no sex. I can’t bear to go near him. We haven’t had sex in 10 years as I can’t bear him near me. He lacked passion anyway and just didn’t do it for me. My 2nd child was conceived by IUI. We get on ok though but, to me, as friends. I was shy as a young woman and, tbh, didn’t kiss enough frogs. I never felt like he had swept me off of my feet and never felt that loved up feeling. I was a fool! I know now I should have gone out more!! I only had one boyfriend before him.
We have two children. A boy, 16 and a girl, 12. All grandparents are RIP.

I’ve felt unhappy a long time. Years!!
I’m in a position to leave after the Coronavirus has settled down. I’m in a well paid career and mortgage free.

However, it is guilt that holds me back. My parents divorced when I was 8 and I stayed with my mum. I lost contact with my father (I wouldn’t allow this to happen in this situation though) and he died when I was 26. I did t want my children coming from a divorced family. I’m now 48. Very attractive and want to enjoy life more. I even feel I’d rather be alone, well with the kids so many times a week too, but just to find myself at the moment. DH is 58 and lethargic and lacks drive. We’re just incompatible. He doesn’t support me and it feels like I’m his meal ticket and Cinderella sometimes. There is no enjoyment in our marriage. I don’t want to go on holiday or anywhere with him now (haven’t for the last two years). I sleep in a separate room in a single bed/box room and I feel depressed about that but no way could I go back to the main bed!
He is happy to plod along. I am not.
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. It will be my fault if the family breaks up. However, if I stay, I will end up feeling deeply unhappy for the rest of my life and, tbh, I can’t stand the thought of him retired!!! He drives me nuts! I’m actually sat in the garden out of the way as I type.
I really don’t know what to choose. Unhappiness or guilt...has anyone been through this and come out the other side?

You do not have to choose either unhappiness or guilt here. Its not one or the other.

Why do you feel guilty here?. Where has that mindset come from (that probably stems from your parents divorce) because it really does you no favours at all here. You are your own person now; not your mother. She decided to keep you away from your dad but you're not planning on doing the same.

It is a terrible thing to stay in a relationship simply because you feel guilty for leaving it. While we are getting all wrapped up in the guilt of feeling like we are hurting someone, we might be overlooking how selfish we are being by staying and how hurtful that is to the person to whom you cannot give all of your love.

If guilt is the name of the game, then maybe we should be feeling more guilty about depriving each other of the happiness we deserve instead of the fact that we do not have it to offer.

What have you got to feel guilty about?. Its not your kids fault either that this marriage is at an end so stop doing your bit here to show them that guilt of all reasons is keeping you with their dad now. He can still choose to see his children post separation and maintain a relationship with them.

Divorce is not failure here but living in such unhappiness is.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Your children in all likelihood know that your marriage is dead and well and over bar the shouting (they pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken) and perhaps also wonder of you why you are together at all now and putting this man before them. They pick up on your antipathy towards their dad and they certainly know you sleep separately.

Would you want your children to remain in their marriages purely out of guilt; no you would not. So do not do that to your own self either for really no good reason. It may be an idea for you to have some counselling sessions on your own to talk this whole idea about guilt through.

I guarantee you you'll mess your kids up a million times more making them grow up witnessing this sham of a relationship. They will think that's the norm and what kind of partners will they end up choosing? Do you want them to do what you did? Do you want future grandkids to grow up in a miserable family as your son/daughter is repeating history? Get some therapy and leave. It's really not that hard you just have to do it.

I come from a family where DM stayed in an unhappy marriage 'for the kids' and I don't really have many happy childhood memories. It's also definitely had an effect on me as an adult. You'd be much better to show your children what a good relationship looks like or how being alone and happy is just as good. Kids are adaptable and once the initial upset has passed I am sure they will be a lot happier too. You have nothing to feel guilty about

I guess the guilt does stem from the divorce of my parents. I also witnessed my older brother (13 years older than me) go through a divorce after his wife left him with 5 young children (she moved in with another man miles away). My brother brought his kids up himself (4 boys/1 girl). They’re all adults now with children of their own etc.
I just feel like I am in a situation where I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t. He is quite happy to go along with this but I feel deep grief now, this has got a lot worse in the last few years (mum died in 2015, cancer and I hit peri-menopause 2 years ago).
I just know it isn’t working. He is very strange too. I can’t explain- just not like a real man if that makes sense. I realise I have been deprived of a loving relationship. I have spoken to his older sister and she has been very supportive. She thinks he is unhappy too and has said, whatever I decide, she will support both of us.

As a child, post-divorce of my parents, I was the only child still at home. I felt ashamed as I was growing up. My mum never went out to meet anyone else and was quite happy to bring me up - even though she was a difficult woman at times.

I know he is aware of my unhappiness but I try to be cheerful for the kids and then he acts like everything is fine. It isn’t.

We are like flat mates. We don’t argue, as such, but my unhappiness and frustration sometimes makes me angry. I am not that sort of person.

I just wish I could get over this guilt.

Any more advice??