Separating from husband with children advice please

[Tulip55]

Hi all. Looking to hear from other mums who have left their marrital home to separate....so kids have to settle into a new house in a new town (nearby so staying at same school though). I am worried it will be too much to adjust to...for them and me. But it's the only way, as we can't sell the house for 3 years so I will have to rent and can't afford to in the town we live in currently. I have never lived on my own before, always with a partner or with my parents.

Why can’t he leave so his kids can remain in their home

Moving house or town won't be a major issue for most children, especially if they can see friends or remain at the same school. I think how you cope with the change will be more important.

Is the other town similar in terms of transport and activities?

Children will feel sad when their parents divorce, however of both parents can be amicable then long term the impact is much reduced.

@Lardlizard we have just renovated the entire house, he did a lot of it himself. In the past when we have been at breaking point he always spoke about missing his home and kids. I just think it would be a lot easier to agree if I let him stay in the house, otherwise he won't let it happen.

@Techway I don't know how I will cope, I haven't ever been on own with kids for more than a week. New town has better amenities but no friends. But we only see friends at school most of the time anyway (I talk to mums at school gates).
I worry the kids will see the new house as not home. I want them to feel safe and at home

otherwise he won't let it happen

It’s not up to him.

I haven't ever been on own with kids for more than a week

Why don’t you think you’ll cope?

@AnneLovesGilbert I think I will be fine with the motherly duties and just day to day stuff that needs to be done...I'm not used to my own company though so when they are at their dad's it will be very difficult....just generally going it alone is not something I'm familiar with.

My friend did this but because her ex refused to move out so it was a choice of stay living together or her and the DCs move out, which they did after many months.

It was fine. Her DCs adapted quickly and liked their new house. Children are resiliant so as long as the split is kept amicable and they can see that you and their dad aren't at war with each other then they'll get used to it quicker than you think.

I stayed in the family home with mine as luckily my ex knew it was better for the children so he moved out. I do think less of men who put their own needs before their children's tbh.

A friend did this. Moved to a different town about 20 minutes away, kept them in the same school. She had the kids pretty much full time for the first couple months. Husband stayed put in the house to finish renovations. She had to get a job urgently too as she couldn't qualify for parenting payments and her stbxh refused to support them. She ended up getting the house in court. So he later moved out and she and the kids moved back in. The kids did really well through all the upheavals. She was blindsided by the split and the months of cheating that proceeded it. It took her about a year to be ok, the kids adjusted much faster.

I moved out when we separated (nearly a year ago actually) and I was really worried about the kids not seeing this as their home so I put lots of effort into their rooms with wall stickers, nice colourful rug and bedding etc. It was bloody tough I won't lie and I spent most of that beautiful Easter weekend in tears as they were with exh. It took a few months to adjust and I was lucky to not move more than a few streets away so all my support network were still on my doorstep. Will friends come to you? Or you go to them?

I wanted to leave the family home as it felt too raw to stay and I wouldn't have afforded it on my own. Tbh, it's been harder in some ways since we sold it and my ex bought a new place. I feel much more excluded from half their lives now as its taking place in a house I have no knowledge of, iyswim.

Be very kind to yourself and let the emotions happen, whatever they are. You will cry less frequently soon and it will hurt less eventually

Oh, and the dc (6 and 8) have adjusted well and see both as their homes I'd say. I instigated calling it home1 and home2, so it's not mum's place and dad's place - as that excludes them from having a place.

I did this. I can’t lie, it was tough setting up a new home for the kids.
Following advice on here, I put loads of effort into letting them choose their rooms, decorate them, making it cosy and homely w photos, throws etc.
It nearly killed me I confess. Far harder than I had ever expected. But 7 months in, the kids love it & are settled.
Couple of pieces of advice: try to get it as set up as possible before you move them in. Get furniture & stuff from your old place - ex should not be left with it all. Don’t underestimate all the stupid practical things you need - cooking stuff, stationary, just life basics really - and don’t leave him with it. Get the financial aspect moving because the expense of setting up again is really high.
You will cope: it’s tough at first but you will get through it.

@Misty9 I have mum friends I rarely see except at school gates and my family live a short drive away. I do have friends at work though. I'm not sure who would visit, no one visits our house except husband's family. I don't know why that is really.

@Walkingwounded did you sort out the house before telling the kids/hubby what was happening? Mine don't have a clue, I just feel so bad. The kids are loving all this lockdown time we are spending as a family and there's me thinking about splitting us up. We haven't shared a bed in weeks now and I think my husband is scared to ask me why. He is just being super nice and helpful all the time...when for the last year he has been a nightmare to be around. Wtf!?
I can't imagine how living together will be once I tell him, in the past when we have been close to breaking point it has been horrible sharing a house...just seemed easier to pretend everything was fine and carry on.

I really appreciate all the advice, really helps to hear from others who have been strong enough to make that leap...right now it seems impossible to me