Marriage breakdown, what do I do?

[TeenyQueen]

My husband can't work at the moment due to coronavirus so he's been home fulltime for 3 weeks now. Husband's business is financially stable and he has no debt so he's actually not worried about finances. He's got about 500k in savings so he's not under financial pressure.

We have a 5 month old baby, I do 90% of the parenting, even now that husband is at home. I did genuinely want to give him a break because he does work hard, so he does a bit of housework and plays on his phone all day. Yesterday completely randomly he said he doesn't feel loved and doesn't think I love him. He said maybe he should find someone else. FYI we have had sex since the birth, not very often but probably 3-4 times a month. I breastfeed and generally have a baby on me all the time apart from when she's sleeping, so when I do get a moment to myself I have a shower, get dressed etc and try to have some me time like read a book etc. I'm genuinely at a loss about what to do. I feel that husband is being really petty and childish, he can clearly see that I have my hands full and I'm tired but he rarely offers to help. He does spend time with the baby if I specifically ask so that I can go to the toilet etc. I try to spend some time with him in the evening but he's on his phone, I try to spend time together as a family but he finds stuff to do. I don't really recognise this person.

What makes it trickier is that my family live abroad so going to stay at my parents' would be a real effort atm. I'm also thinking that if we did divorce I would want to move back to my home country with the baby because I've got no family support here, baby's got dual nationality so that wouldn't be a problem.

What do I do? I've been up with the baby since 6am, husband is still in bed and not showing signs of waking up. I'm practically a single mother already.

I’m not a solicitor, but...
Moving abroad with the baby could be a problem. The dual nationality doesn’t mean that a family court in this country would allow you to move with her, if your husband objected.

Children have the right to a relationship with both parents. If you’re going to move her several hundred miles (or more) away then her relationship with her Dad is clearly going to be impacted. If you “run” back to your parents and they live in a Hague Convention country then the Courts there may well order that you and your DC return to the UK.

What is he doing on his phone? How did you respond when he said that? He does sound immature as he must know he can't have all your attention now there is a baby however some men can't cope with not having sole attention.

What would his reaction be if you said, "we are both new parents and it is a big adjustment so it is likely that we both feel neglected and unloved, what can we each do to make the situation better".

You don't however mention living him so have you also checked out?

Being a new parent is hard, suddenly you can't put yourself or your other half first because you have a baby who relies on you for everything. Your husband is acting like a child, expecting to be put first in front of your baby. He needs to grow up instead of throwing tantrums & claiming to be unloved.

PaterPower I didn't mean taking her out of the country against her father's will, obviously it would be with his consent. Realistically it would be harder for me to be a single parent and look after her here with no family support, plus he works long hours anyway so he couldn't support me much if we were living apart. He would get to see her as much as possible, we would live a 2.5 hour flight away.

Well you’ve given him a break and he is probably bored out of his mind after three weeks. Now is that time to have a conversation and do a schedule where he will have the baby instead of you, and times where the three of you do something together and times when the baby is sleeping when the two of you can be together. I know you’ve planned and suggested this from time to time from your OP, but try a serious conversation about this problem. If you are going to salvage the marriage, you both need to make an effort to create t8mes for the two of you to reconnect. This means taking turns having the baby while the other gets their “me” time so that when the baby is sleeping, you can have time as a couple again.

I'd like to repeat what techway asked.
What or who is he doing on his phone?
'Maybe he should find somebody else'?
Seems like he's already started planning.

I have no idea what is going on with your H but ‘entertaining’ him isn’t your responsibility.

Try talking to him about his feelings and yours but making it very clear that his lack of effort and engagement are a problem for you and you won’t bear the responsibility of his ‘unhappiness’.

However, you seem to be under the misapprehension that going to your family is a given. Dual nationality doesn’t mean much when removing a child with habitual residence without the explicit permission of a partner with PR or authority by the courts.

In addition, your suggestion that you couldn’t cope without your family is not particularly strong as you’ve got very little support now. Are you employed? If you were to separate/ divorce how would you support yourself beyond child maintenance?

It sounds like your H is one of the types who sees raising a child and domestic chores as a woman’s responsibility and the material things that ‘his’ money provide as his only contribution. You and his child are there as a status appendage, much like flash car.

I’ve been there and was surprised that as soon as I gave birth my Ex expected very traditional gender roles (this from a man who complained about his father’s lack of family involvement when he was growing up).

Your husband is a selfish twat. Sex 3-4 times a month is plenty, especially with a small breastfed baby. This is a classic case of a man thinking it should all be about him and not getting that when you have children they have to come first.
I’d be having a very stern conversation about why exactly he doesn’t ‘feel loved’ all things considered, and also why he doesn’t want to do a fair share of the parenting either.

Your comment that ‘he’ has £500,000 in savings is very telling too. You’re married, why are they not both of your savings?

Should add - do you feel loved by him? It’s not all one sided

What about you? Why is it all about him? I’d also like to add that his current “narrative” is a big red flag. My friend went through this when her baby was 6 months old. He said exact same things. Don’t feel loved. Should find someone else blah blah blah. What he meant was he was already shagging a work colleague. He also checked out of doing anything with the baby or helping out around the house. In your shoes I’d be asking straight into his face if he’s been at it with somebody else. This all smells very dubious to me. Normal people don’t say stuff like this to their breastfeeding partner. They might say “I feel like we don’t spend enough time together and I miss you” they don’t immediately jump to “I should find somebody else” that’s abusive. It’s disgusting and you shouldn’t let it slide. Ask him to his face if he’s cheating or has cheated because that’s how it sounds and that you’ve listened to what he’s said and you think it’s best if you try and get a repatriation flight home and file for immediate divorce on Tuesday. Stand and stare him in the face while you say it deadpan while holding the baby. Don’t cry. See what his reaction to that cold dose of reality is. Who the F does he think he is? He should see somebody else...yeah go on then mate. Good luck with that in an 18 month lockdown! Seriously OP you should go to your parents if you can and spend the next year getting help and building yourself and your life back up. Why should you have to put up with his unsupportive, nasty crap

Lockdown is showing a lot. He may well have already found someone else, but is missing her atm.

His normalise pre lockdown allows an escape from the reality of life, which he isn't getting atm.

I'm honestly so confused. We've got a beautiful, healthy baby. No money worries, we're both university trained professionals. I'm aware we haven't had a lot of couple time but I thought this was quite normal when you have a young child. Since she was born I've done nearly all of the childcare to 'shield' my husband because he's got a stressful job. I suppose I've done too good a job because he got used to not having childcare duties. He says he feels left out because the baby and I are so close and we have a strong bond. I think that's a very childish view, it's great for a mother and baby to have a strong bond and there is still plenty of room for dad to have a relationship with her too

I wouldn't feel bad about shagging him about every 8 or 9 days or something. I imagine that's not unusual, especially when you have a fairly young baby. Did he nag for sex fairly soon after the birth?

He doesn't sound very nice or helpful.

It s very common for dads to feel left and unsure what to do
It's not fair but it's a big change for everyone.
I wouldn't even let dh change a nappy when dd was a baby.
I was much more relaxed with baby number 2.
Try and include him make some quality time together.
I know it's hard but it does get easier.

U do realise he has already found someone dont u and hes saying he should go and meet someone as a way of dropping this on u nicely.

Sounds like he's jealous that your attention is on the baby (as it should be when they are so dependent on you). I don't think he meant what he said and he sounds like a petulant child saying he feels unloved etc.. in other words he wants your undivided attention. It is hard having a new baby but you both need to communicate your needs effectively. If you need more help and support from him, tell him not in an accusatory way as men get defensive and it causes an argument. Take turns to hear each other speak at a time when baby is asleep so you can really listen what the other person has to say. It is an adjustment period and it must be even more stressful with lockdown and all the consequences that brings.