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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm involved in a situation I really don't want to be and need some advice

37 replies

FoghornLeghorn · 13/09/2007 11:06

This is probably going to be long winded so will warn you now.

My BIL is now married to the girl who used to be a very close friend (whole other story but we are no longer friends after a big fall out). They were seeing each other before DH and I got together and over the last 8 years we built up a very close friendship.
Her and her now DH (my BIL) went through a rocky patch about 6 years ago after their DS was born, they split up but were on and off like a tap. He had sexual relationships with other people and she did too (she knows about his other 'relationships' although he does not know about hers). During this time she fell pregnant and had a abortion, I didn't know about this at the time but she confided in me sometime after the event. She told the other man she was pregnant and she also told him she was planning on having an abortion.

I have never told another sole about this and never ever planned to. However, I am now concerned that should any of this ever come out I am going to be involved and I really don't want to be.

I don't particularly want to tell my DH as he will 100% tell his brother (as would I if I was put in his situation) and that will then possibly cause their marriage to break up, they have 3 children with another on the way and as much as I dislike and have no loyalty to said person anymore, I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone - I would also run the risk of causing problems in my own marriage from keeping this information from DH for as long as I have.
Equally though, I think it is inevitable that this will come out and become public knowledge consider said 'friend' has now told 2 other people that I know of and the baby's dad was also in on the loop who is an old friend of my BIL's. I don't want to be put in a position where I should've said something to my DH and I didn't.

What would you all do ?

OP posts:
Original poster
FoghornLeghorn · 13/09/2007 11:44

Can I please just re-iterate that I haven't once said I wanted to tell, infact I have said quite the opposite but was interested in other views

OP posts:
NappiesGalore · 13/09/2007 11:47

yes, archive the thread and show it in your defence if need be.

im sure youve made the right decision btw.

1crazymumof2 · 13/09/2007 11:50

If all were to be revealed, how likely would it be that your name would get dragged into it if you denied ever knowing? Shes hardly going to argue the point and even if she does then who will be believed in this situation,doubtfully her? Is this the only reason that you want to tell or is there a tiny bit of you that wants to get back at her? I'm not keen on my SIL in question, but i would never say anything, you would appear spiteful,nasty,and untrustworthy.

Original poster
FoghornLeghorn · 13/09/2007 11:51

1crazymumof2

By FoghornLeghorn on Thu 13-Sep-07 11:44:03
Can I please just re-iterate that I haven't once said I wanted to tell, infact I have said quite the opposite but was interested in other views

OP posts:
1crazymumof2 · 13/09/2007 11:54

Please excuse last thread! by the time i'd written and posted the conversation had moved on to a conclusion! still fox i hope a problem shared was a problem halved..

ShinyHappySchmooo · 13/09/2007 11:55

Don't tell. None of this is your fault obviously, but any outcome of you saying something now, would be something you may have prevented by keeping quiet.

1crazymumof2 · 13/09/2007 11:55

still getting used to posting only been here a few days.

warthog · 13/09/2007 11:57

keep schtum. these situations do invariably arise, you agreed to keep a confidence and you must honour that. your dh will respect that if it ever comes to it.

wotamidoin · 13/09/2007 14:19

say nothing. she told you in confidence at the time. if it comes up, explain to your dh that you kept quiet so as not to upset their marriage and for the security of the kids.

madamez · 13/09/2007 14:28

ANother vote for keeping quiet. It will do no good at all, will undoubtedly make things worse for all concerned - and are you really, absolutely sure that you're not wanting to tell because you no longer consider the woman a friend?

Original poster
FoghornLeghorn · 13/09/2007 15:38

Yes Madamez, I have said on numerous occasions I really do not want to tell - apart from anything else, I could open up a whole can of unneccesary worms for myself !

Thanks for all of your opinions - all taken on board and decision to keep schtum has been taken - but I am defo archiving this thread just incase

OP posts:
duke748 · 15/09/2007 21:30

I agree that she put you in a hard position when she told you and asked you to keep quiet.

However, I think your motives for telling now are to do with your feelings for her. Otherwise you would have told at the time it happened.

I think you have to honour your agreement not to tell. Its not your secret to tell.

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