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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just a handhold. Lockdown with a shitty H, I’m done

25 replies

Fallingstars20 · 10/04/2020 16:14

I guess I need some moral support. I’m gutted that lockdown is nowhere near ending because I need to leave my H. He’s not dangerously abusive so I’m not going to do it right now. I jsut need some hand holding to tell me it’s ok to leave him when lockdown is lifted and that I’m not a massive failure for not going to a shelter or something now. I don’t want to put my dd5 through that. He’s just a nasty piece of work and lockdown has made it ten times more apparent. Tell me this is gonna be ok. I am coming to grips with the fact I’m leaving but I can’t do it yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingstars20 · 10/04/2020 16:14

He’s critical, crude, controlling, selfish, erratic and I don’t fancy, respect or like him any more.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/04/2020 16:22

Yes you will be ok. Have you started getting your ducks in a row?

funnylittlefloozie · 10/04/2020 16:37

Are you and DS safe, physically? Thats all that matters right now. You have time to collect paperwork, start applying for any benefits, work out where you're going to live, etc.

You're going to be ok.

Fruitdeleloop · 10/04/2020 16:40

You can do this Flowers

You will be okay and your daughter will thrive.

Original poster
Fallingstars20 · 10/04/2020 16:44

Yes we are safe. He’s just a grumpy, erratic man who snaps at us constantly, sulks at us if we step out of line, makes promises and breaks them, spends all his time eating crap and gaming and then gets cross if I don’t feel like sex when he finally comes to bed. He left me to do the weekly shop alone in a 30min queue for the supermarket today because he couldn’t be arsed to wait. I spilled coffee accidentally today and he yelled FOR FUCKS SAKE at me and refused to help me clean up. He’s a nasty tool. He pretended to be nice for a long time but the mask has never slipped so much as on lockdown. He ridicules me, gropes me, ignores me, makes dramas out of nothing. I feel like I have a giant teenager as well as a 5 year old. I am just so done.

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 10/04/2020 16:56

He sounds absolutely awful. Please get out as soon as it's right for you. xx

HollowTalk · 10/04/2020 16:59

Ugh he sounds awful.

What's your housing situation like? Do you go to work usually? Do you have anywhere you can go to if things get worse?

totallydevoidofideas · 10/04/2020 17:01

Sending loads of sympathy, OP. At least you know now what you need to do as he's making the decision for you much easier. Such an awful time to be stuck in with him. You have plenty of planning time now and you can definitely do this first chance you get.

Original poster
Fallingstars20 · 10/04/2020 17:03

Yeah I work, earn ok money and I’ll be fine if i can stay in my flat as I know it’s affordable (historically I’ve been here since before he even moved in with me so I feel I wouldn’t be expected to leave.) In a pinch I could afford somewhere else though it’d be tougher for us, dd isn’t his and her dad pays the bare minimum maintenance. But tbh I don’t care anymore.... having half the money and twice the peace of mind would be enough. I want to stay here and tell him it’s over when lockdown is done. I know he can afford to leave as he is a v high earner (and always complains about our flat anyway).

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 10/04/2020 17:18

Sounds like you and your dd would be infinitely happier without that sack of shite infecting your lives

Narcsrus · 10/04/2020 19:21

Do it OP he is sucking the life out of you and you'll be much happier in your own. I'm a single mum and there is not a day ever that I regret leaving the ex.

Lightofthephoenix · 10/04/2020 19:33

Tell him to leave now, why wait till after lockdown, that could be weeks and weeks away, don't waste anymore time on him.

willowmelangell · 11/04/2020 14:15

What would happen if you said, "When this lock down is over I am going to a solicitor and starting a divorce. From tonight I will be sleeping in the spare/sitting/dd bed room."

TheFutureMrsHardy · 11/04/2020 14:19

Don't alert him to how you're thinking. Spend this time wisely making plans, and the moment that freedom hits, you can get him out of there.

And stick to keeping busy without having to involve him. Go for a long walk once a day, and make sure your DD has lots of occupy her.

He sounds an arse. And you'll face a bright future very soon Flowers

baubled · 11/04/2020 14:23

I've got no advise but I'm in a similar situation so can relate, roll on the end of lock down for more than one reason!

soannya · 11/04/2020 18:20

Can’t you kick him out now? Imagine what a lovely time you’d have just you and your DD. Can’t he go stay with family? He sounds awful

Original poster
Fallingstars20 · 11/04/2020 20:16

His family live overseas and Airbnb aren’t taking bookings anymore. I did consider it..

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 11/04/2020 22:12

His family live overseas and Airbnb aren’t taking bookings anymore. I did consider it..

not your problem OP.. Flowers

SnoozyLou · 11/04/2020 22:45

I wouldn't say anything, for now. It will just make things a hundred times worse and he'll just say he has nowhere to go.

Sorry you're stuck in this OP, but I'm glad it's given you the clarity you needed to see you deserve a lot better Thanks

crystalize · 11/04/2020 23:18

Agree why not kick him out now? Could be a long time before lockdown ends. He is a high earner, where he moves to is not your problem. If he kicks off call the police.

Stellamboscha · 12/04/2020 06:32

Those who are saying kick him out now maybe have never lived with someone like this! No way would my own H leave -if anything he round dog his heels and tell me to leave.
Are you married? If so he has a claim on the flat regardless of whether you lived there first.
Take legal advice now.

Wallywobbles · 12/04/2020 06:50

Use this time to prepare for divorce. There are some good books to help. I'd recommend scannable set up to save everything to Evernote.

Scan pay slips
Mortgage info
Bank accounts
Pensions
Passports
Bills

Go through your bank accounts - do a nice excel doc so you know where you are financially.

Try and book a video conference with a lawyer.

Prepare exactly what you need for the lawyer. Decide your cause - unreasonable behaviour?

Once your ahead of the game I'd then tell him. Don't wait for this to be over. These things are not generally quick.

FlowerArranger · 12/04/2020 07:11

When you're done, you're done.
And great that you are able to approach your impending split with such a clear head.

Don't let him know of your plans.
Detach, both emotionally and rationally.
Practise Grey Rock...

Follow @Wallywobbles advice and get all your ducks in a row.

But also check your rental contract. Don't rely on feeling that you wouldn’t be expected to leave or assume that historically means much when it comes to renting.

Congratulations for doing what you need to do. Your daughter will thank you one day Flowers

SunsetYorks · 12/04/2020 07:16

Airbnb can take a booking in this circumstance, I run one so know this is acceptable.

footprintsintheslow · 12/04/2020 07:42

Is he still working/earning money now?
If yes he can leave.

Can you predict roughly how he will react to you saying leave?

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