Another online dating disappointment

[Legallybleachblonde]

Not sure if this is the right place to post but I need to vent! I'm on my own half the week as exH and I share custody of DS5. Anyway.. three weeks' ago, I started chatting to a guy online (11 years my junior). It started out as a bit of friendly banter but then we both realised that actually, we were getting on really well. We swapped numbers and messages turned to voice notes and short videos (due to not being able to get together during lockdown). We both fancied each other and were planning on what we do for our first real life date. But yesterday, he was very different. Hardly heard a thing and gave me short shrift. My spidey senses immediately told me something was up. At 11 am this morning, low and behold, the 'it's not you, it's me' text arrived and that's the end of that! I am so disappointed after all that full on messaging for three weeks solid and for him to do a complete u-turn in 24 hrs! Clearly he was speaking to someone else. I feel such a dick! Have deleted all messages, voice notes, his video messages AND his number. Go me. Yay! Still feels like shit tho.

To be honest I think there's going to be a lot more of this during lockdown. People building a 'relationship' over the phone and through the computer, but it's not a real thing. Until you've met, maybe don't invest too much in one person? Nothing stopping you from talking to lots of people at the same time, what's sauce for the goose and all that.

Good luck, OP! And well done for deleting all his info.

Thank you for the reply! Yes, you're right although I always find it difficult speaking to more than one person, especially when it gets quite full on (we were messaging every night). I was quite happy just messaging him and assumed he was too, in light of our conversations. Oh well. Onwards! X

Try not to get so invested so quickly OP - it would usually be a bad idea to speak daily for three weeks without meeting unless there was a very good reason for it. It's too intense and then awful when it falls flat or fizzles or rushes into being unhealthy.

While lockdown is a good reason not to meet (obviously, because you can't!) I don't think that means people should throw caution to the wind and talk daily to someone without knowing they are risking the other person playing along but likely to disappear or get bored at any time.

Lockdown has made everything go a bit mad - I think loads of people will be swiping and chatting for something to do and without work to go to (for some people) and no opportunity for socialising, people will get wrapped up in conversations more intensely than normal but it doesn't mean they're any less likely to wake up and think meh onto the next. Or even to feel embarrassed they've overshared and then run off.

Be careful out there, don't invest too much too soon and end up feeling rubbish. Good you just deleted though and not hanging around for seconds!

Too much too soon. Fantasy online relationships. Over investment. Treat men on old like strangers until you meet in the flesh and have been dating at least a month.

I would give it all a miss at the moment. None of us know how long lockdown is going to last and let’s be honest we can all be a different person by text. You can’t get to know someone until you have physically met them and spent time with them. I reckon there are going to be loads of blokes in relationships on OLD at the moment because they are bored and know they can’t meet up but can text whilst on their little walk with the dogs and kids.

Completely agree with the over-investment - guilty as charged. It just sort of happened and spiralled. We video called a lot so we could see what each other was like and it all seemed really nice. But yes, fantasy and I got sucked in.

If you remember that NOTHING but NOTHING replaces real actual face to face, many months of consistent contact.

Never ever fall for the false intimacy stuff created in the virtual world.

Like me, you have to learn this the hard way... :)

I get that you can’t get out and meet him/then, but perhaps don’t even bother with messaging anyone you’re likely to want to date until you can arrange to meet them and start the real world ball rolling.

Many blokes are really good at future faking just for their own wank fodder, it gives them an ego boost and seeing as they don’t actually know you; you don’t actually really matter...

It’s awful, but sadly true in my experience

You’ll get there, but these are not the times to be fishing...

I've been experiencing this OP. There's lots more men messaging right now and they're bored cos of lockdown. Similar to you I've been chatting with a guy for three weeks or so. Thought we had a great bond, loads in common, plans to meet after lockdown. Last night he reveals he's not attracted to heavy women and hes sorry to let me down. that's fine but why act the last three weeks as if he's interested and shared loads about ourselves? Because he was bored that's why.

Laughing at 'wank fodder'. Sad really.

Tragically sad! I know!

But please try not to take it personally, it’s really not you. It can’t be, can it? Cos he doesn’t know who you are really.

I had so much of this shit. It hurts - we’ll disappoints more I suppose, but it’s them and better you find out now before you spend money on baby sitter etc!

No, I've not taken it personally 😊 I suppose I got a little more carried away than normal as I have been stuck at home for three weeks and missing family and friends. It was so nice to talk to this happy, smiling chap who was seemingly interested solely in me. Again, sucked in as I said above. Have slapped myself round the face with a wet haddock. Sensibility has been restored 😂

Haddock you say? Don’t you none there’s a shortage woman!! 😱

You sound chipperer

Good :)

I've been there OP, more than once. I can only reiterate what others have said about not getting so full-on in future. I'd also agree that avoiding dating apps during lockdown might be best as there will be way more time wasters than normal.
Just be thankful you didn't meet and become more involved. These things are sent to teach us valuable lessons I think.

Well done op for deleting numbers etc, it's just a weird time and easy to overinvest in things. Lots of people out for ego boosts but they are the pathetic ones.

Definitely not a good time to be online dating unless you just want to chat. A lot of men will quickly turn the convo into sex talk though, so be wary (unless that's what you want!)

Yes I was quite proud of myself for deleting everything; I'm a firm believer in ripping off the plaster and this is nothing compared to a messy divorce! Anyway.. I think I will give the sites a miss and occupy myself with something else. Enjoy the sun all X

It's so hard! When you feel a connection and you're enjoying it then it's great, but then you kick yourself when they let you down! Only thing you can do is carry on, pick yourself up each time and keep going with it, you'll meet someone that deserves the time you've spent getting to know them soon enough

"11 years my junior".

I'm not trying to be offensive but I've seen this several times on here and I'm not sure why it needs to be said but most men don't look for serious relationships with women ten yrs and more older than them. Some won't even consider 5 years older. Or older at all.

What they'd be looking for at best is a casual relationship that most likely wraps up when they meet someone they hit it off with closer to their own age ... But the more typical story is that they fade away when the novelty wears off and they've had sex a few times.

They're looking for a (porn driven) Milf experience.

So not only were you getting way too invested too soon for a "normal" dating prospect, you were - if you weren't looking for a casual, sexual relationship - barking up the wrong tree anyway.

Younger men think that women understand this.

I know people will disagree but I’ve come to the conclusion that dating apps are a waste of time during lockdown. I deleted mine. What’s the point trying to maintain online or video chat with a stranger, not knowing when you can meet face to face, and also when you probably have nothing exciting to say cos you’ve most likely been in the house all day?
In normal life I think you need to meet people ASAP to avoid wasting time. Which is exactly what we can’t do right now.
Imagine building a rapport with someone during lockdown only to meet them weeks later and find that you just didn’t fancy them, or that they had terrible personal hygiene or something? 😄

Well my exH was 12 years younger so I didnt really see this guy as 'a younger man' and I didnt feel I was targeted as the 'older woman' but maybe I was wrong on this occasion. It's all immaterial now in any event.

@lampan I think you're right! We had started talking before the lockdown hit so it was a bit unfortunate.

Well my exH was 12 years younger so I didnt really see this guy as 'a younger man' and I didnt feel I was targeted as the 'older woman' but maybe I was wrong on this occasion. It's all immaterial now in any event.

Who knows. All I know from frequenting a male dominated fitness forum -and from repeated posts on here - is that a large majority of them do not seem to see older women as serious relationship material.