I feel like I need permission to leave

[MissOliphant]

My partner and I have been struggling, classic anxious (me)/avoidant (him) dynamics. If I want to talk he often won’t, and sometimes it’s downright stonewalling. If I get upset then I’m being a pain in the arse. He sometimes withdraws affection and I sometimes wonder if this, along with stonewalling, might be a method of control. We do what he wants, wether or not that’s what we agreed. We agreed to start a family and he waited 2 years to tell me that was never what he wanted. Planned a wedding, which he now doesn’t want either (but he’s apparently happy to be with me)??

Other little bells have sounded along the way. He was excessively keen at the start of our relationship, and within 6 months we lived together. He once lashed out in his sleep and gave me a bruise. I truly believed it was unintentional, and posted about it on here to get other views, and one response was something along the lines of “it’s not plausible that he did this, you woke up and you lay there and didn’t challenge him”... which made me think, did I do that because I was scared of challenging him? The only other time he’s hurt me was when he was drunk a few years ago and scratched me, I don’t know why, but I was quite tipsy too. He’ll sometimes wake me up for sex, and once I didn’t engage so he sorted himself out and ejaculated on me. Most of me thinks he has a rubbish aim and that’s all there was to it, but then part of me wonders if he did that so I’d get up and shower anyway, so next time I’d just engage?

But if you read the first 2 paragraphs in isolation without knowing the full context of our relationship then of course you’d think he was an arse. He’s clever, ambitious, he does more than his fair share around the house, he isn’t a deadbeat who drags me down all the time. He’s great with animals and children. My family and friends love him. We have a comfortable life, and I’d miss our (his) dog so much.

These problems were here before, but lockdown has made them much more visible because I haven’t got work or friends as an escape any more. I don’t know what to do. Where would I go if I left? The house is owned by him. Are properties still being rented out in the current circumstances? Could I view anywhere? And this is if I make the decision to leave, which I don’t even know I want to do. My whole lifestyle would change. I’m early-mid 30s and being single, childless and living in a shared flat isn’t how I wanted to be at this stage of my life.

Most of all though, I’d feel guilty for leaving him. Why do I feel like I need ‘permission’ to leave him? I guess I’m asking you all to give me permission and tell me I’m not too old to write my life off.

I woke up 20 years in. It’s intentional. Read Lundy Bancroft - probably mr sensitive.

It can be terribly subtle with the ones who present as the good guys so you doubt yourself all the time.

He’s told you what he wants and it’s not the same as what you want - doesn’t want to get married, doesn’t want kids. At least not with you. Sorry to be so harsh.

Honestly, get out. You’ve got time to meet someone else. You can meet someone who does want what you want and respects you.

You dont need permission to leave, but that said, i absolutely recognise the feeling that you somehow do. So if it will help you, here is your permission.

Don't waste years of your life on this unsuitable man. Give yourself a chance to find someone who thinks the world of you.

Yes, properties are being rented out. I had an email from the firm who manage our flat explaining how they will offer virtual viewings.

You have my permission . He sounds awful and you deserve better. Starting again is an opportunity - I did it at 40 odd. And if you do want kids, you need to leave now.

Do you really want to live with a man like this? He doesn't want to marry you (but didn't tell you until years in), doesn't want kids (but didn't tell you until you were in your mid-thirties), has hurt you twice, wanks all over you if you won't have sex with him... FFS OP, raise your standards!

Now, when you're young, is the easiest time to go. OK not right this minute with lockdown, but this year. If you don't go you will be accepting he can treat you however he likes - do you really want that life?

You only need to give yourself permission to leave and you do not really need others to give you that permission even though you want that.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up

How is it that you and this individual got together in the first place.

Im not giving you permission to leave, I'm giving you an instruction!

You sound really miserable and ground down. He might not drag you down financially or in ambition but he sounds like he very much is emotionally.

He's telling you you are just not as important as him and you are listening.

Also marriage, children, stonewalling, hurting you - these are not little bells! They are great big thunderclaps.

I think you're boundaries are low, you are allowing yourself to be under valued and unimportant in your own life.

So my advice is to get rid of him as soon as the lockdown is over then focus on you for a year. Read up on emotional abuse. Check out the Freedom programme. Then look for someone with the same values and ambitions as you who isn't a bully.

The lashing out in sleep, does happen and does not mean he wants to hurt you, my oh has involuntary movements n his sleep. But it sounds like you want different things in thie relationship and if you stay any longer you may end up resenting each other.

Thank you all, for all of your views. I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond, and the harsher the better. I’m ready to heat brutal honesty.

@madroid - do you think there are abusive elements here?

You do realise that him waking you up for sex isn't ok? And the masturbating over you when you weren't into it? That's abusive.

And the everything his way, coercive control, withholding and stonewalling are emotional abusive behaviours?

Yes - if you need to hear it - we give you permission to leave. Even the government have clarified that abuse is a reasonable reason to be out and about.
(Oh and we have a property that had notice given prior to covid and these restrictions - we have taken advice and as long as we socially distance then we are able to do viewings and start a new tenancy. We accept that there may not be much or even any uptake and will have to take that chance)

Thank you. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to be told it’s not right. I’ll definitely look at the Freedom Program. My difficulty is that I really don’t think he sees his behaviour as I do, and if (when. When.) I leave it’d come as such a shock to him and I think he’d be lost because there isn’t much else in his life. Or is that huge arrogance on my part, to think I have so much value to him? I think he really believes we’re okay, because I guess he is.

No, he won't see his behaviour as you do (or I do, hearing about it) but that's because there's something wrong with him, for whatever reason.

I don't think you have huge value to him, sorry, beyond you're his to control. He probably will be quite distraught to lose you initially, but he'll replace you.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support (and permission). I got the guts to pack my stuff, load it into my car whilst he was exercising and sort out a place to stay for the night. I told him I was going and then he started crying, was absolutely broken, and promised to do better. 5 days in and he seems to be sticking to it but I’m conscious this could be manipulation. I’ve recently noticed CCTV cameras on our house, which he says have been here since we moved it, and I’m not the most observant of people so it’s plausible, but it’s made me more conscious of visibly planning if I need to make an exist.

*Exit

FFS

Please be very careful - my stbxh of 20 years was also crying, broken etc, promising me the Earth when I said I wanted to separate. Wrote me a long letter listing all the things he 'now realised' he had done that were harmful. When that didn't work, out came the true character again. He seems to have picked up his broken self pretty bloody quickly as he dived into another relationship within 6 weeks and now is falling over himself to sell our jointly owned house etc. As you have described your partner, most other people think the sun shines out his ass. With me there was the sulking, stonewalling etc. It is absolutely a choice and it is a power and control tactic.

Look at your house on Google Streetview and see if the cameras are there. If on a laptop, you can see previous images if your street has been captured for Streetview before.

I went to individual counselling because I, too, felt like I needed permission to leave. I went hoping that the counsellor would label his behaviour as abusive so I would have a 'good reason' for leaving. She really helped me see that it didn't matter if his behaviour had a label or not. Wanting to leave was plenty reason enough.

Seeing how quickly my stbxh moved on, it was abundantly clear (and of course hurtful) that it was never about his love for me as opposed to someone else - I just fulfilled the role of housekeeper, companion and boob access and could easily be replaced. I wish her all the luck in the world - I am so thankful I got out.

So are you still there atm? I really wouldn't put too much hope or trust into promises to change. It'll last for a while, then gradually revert back to what it was. You really need to get out. He's not your responsibility.

You already know who he is. He is more likely to revert to his former ways than to change. Has he now proposed? Have you spoken about having children? Would you prefer to be with someone who was really excited by these things rather than someone who has strung you along by pretending he was? - and might do so again?

You could waste your thirties here and end up unable to have children. Or end up married with the idea that you forced him into it. You can do better for yourself than this. You might not believe it but you are just the right age to meet someone and settle down. Until you find someone you could have fun outside this relationship - living in a flat share could mean you are making lifelong friends and experiencing new things. Don't stay with him just because it's easy and he promises to change.