Please help me with my marriage - sex related

[Ilovethebeach89]

So we are both in our 40's. Been together 30yrs (married for 20). Have 3 older kids (no babies or toddlers). When we first got together as teenagers we were completely besotted with each other, sex was as you'd expect. Typically over the years it dwindled as I think alot of couple's do. Fast forward to the last few years and we have sex about twice a year. I feel unloved, undesired and it's really starting to affect me. We both know it's an issue and when we have had alcohol we occasionally talk about it and agree it needs to change and half heartedly try but then nothing does end up changing.
Problem is we work in the same office so are together all day at work. When at home obviously busy with kids and chores etc. And the biggest issue, we sleep in separate beds as we are both terrible sleepers and we tried for a year to change this. Bought a massive new expensive bed and it was a nightmare. Didn't make us have sex anymore but we dreaded going to bed as we would lie awake and disturb each other all night. That will never change.
I love my husband deeply and I know he loves me. There is definitely no one else involved. But we hardly cuddle and if we kiss it's a peck on the cheek or lips. We live like best friends. It's got to the point where if we have a rare proper kiss it feels weird. Unless we're really drunk. We do go on date nights approx monthly but it doesnt change anything long term.
What can I do? Dh is also terribly insecure about himself. Hates taking his top off and hates me touching him. He says he wants to touch me but never does.
Help! I cant live like this much longer, I have dreams where I'm desired and it feels wonderful. Then I wake up! I don't want us to split up and I know he doesnt. How do I get it back on track? Now is the time as we are both off work together.

The bit where you say “we both know it’s an issue”

There is a big difference here.

For you it’s a major issue. For him probably not so much.

Would you be happier if there was more affection but without sex? A lot of relationship counsellors suggest taking sex off the table for some time to allow couple to reconnect.

He may think that any kisses or cuddles are going to lead to sexual advances.

In terms of other options, he may be depressed - Have you talked about that?

He may just have lost his sexual drive (Common in some men as they get a bit older)

He may just be bored - presumably both of you have little experience with anyone else as you got together so young.

It’s always tricky one to solve. How long as the downward spiral been ongoing for. How long ago was it when you were still having sex monthly or weekly?

I was in a similar situation. My now ex never wanted any intimidation and to cut it short, it’s like living with a brother or a good friend.

We have split but unfortunately due to the lockdown he is unable To actually leave at present but if he approached me to instigate sex or intimacy, it’s been that long for me and I’ve been rejected that many times it would just feel wrong.

Sorry to say op, maybe your relationship has run it’s course and you’re better off as friends.

Would you consider spicing things up? Maybe starting to send suggestive messages then thinking of scenarios and sending it through whatsapp etc. If you had a great sex life and you still love each other etc, then I think you could try finding your sexual desire for each other again. And that may mean going out of your comfort zone and taking a risk and making your sex life more sexual, different and exciting etc

It was probably at least 20 years ago that we had sex once a week. I can't honestly remember but it's been crap for a long time. I dont think hes depressed.
I would be happy with more intimacy and no sex to start with as I think it would help rekindle things in the long run. However it is very difficult to instigate without me feeling awkward about it! Plus I think there is always an expectation of sex if things progress. This has happened in the past. I would happily lie in bed naked and just enjoy being close but he would expect sex from this, especially after a drink. But he wouldn't do much to start it.
I would also like to spice things up long term too.

Would he be willing to have his testosterone checked via blood test through the GP? Very similar to my friends husband and turned out his was really low and had a massive impact on libido and everything associated. I know it runs much deeper but still worth a think? It’s lovely that you have a respectful relationship still and given how many crappy ones out there it’s so worth trying. Would you both consider seeing a sex therapist?

Why does he hate being touched? That seems to me the most worrying part.

I think separate beds is fine, sleep deprivation never helps anything! But can you make a habit of always having a chat and a cuddle in one of the beds each night, and in the morning, maybe with a cup of tea? Then you will get in the habit of being physically close again.

We have considered a therapist but not sure I could bring myself to do it. Think we'd be really embarrassed. Plus money and time (once back working) is a big issue.
He hates being touched because he is ashamed of his body and always has been. There is nothing wrong with him btw!

Sorry I didn’t mean it offensively that there might be something wrong with him but low testosterone can wreak havoc and just wondered helpfully it it was worth a check. I get what you mean also about him feeling ashamed but you feeling there is nothing wrong, would he consider counselling through the GP? Helps with costs to do it this way. I fully understand both your thoughts about a sex therapist, not sure I’d be comfortable with it either....

Low body confidence won’t be helping him but it seems like it could just be the monotony of the same person for 30 years. Spicing things up may be a good idea as we all have different fantasies but I agree that it could be awkward having this type of discussion. Separate beds is fine. That won’t be the issue.

He hates taking his top off in front of you after a 30 year relationship? And he doesn't like being touched?

Sounds to me as though he has major self image problems and he has become afraid of intimacy. It is unusual for men to lose their urges at such a young age, normally there is a physical need for release which manifests itself in either sex or masturbation but from what you say your DH seems to have lost this desire. Low testosterone is a possibility but if he is otherwise healthy then it is unlikely.

This has gone on for a long time and changing him won't be easy. But to start with I suggest you contrive to lie in bed naked together without any expectation of sex. And repeat this as often as you can until he is relaxed enough for you to start mutual stimulation, touching etc, again without necessarily expecting to progress to full sex. Hopefully this will lead to him rediscovering his urges and relearning how pleasurable they can be. Out side the bedroom try to make you relationship more tactile, this breaks down barriers, so encourage him to touch you more often if you can.