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Relationships

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Original poster

Ex partner says I need to let go of the past

23 replies

user1476349587 · 09/04/2020 21:00

I'm finding this lockdown really hard as the only other adult I see everyday is my ex partner as we are sharing care of our small child. He has a new girlfriend and the situation has been very difficult as she has been jealous we see each other but they don't right now as they can't due to the lockdown. I'm feeling trapped by the current situation and it's making me depressed. My ex has a new girlfriend who has been feeling insecure as she can't see him due to the lockdown but he sees me everyday due to us co-parenting our son. Last week he suggested we all have a video chat as she needs to get to know me so she doesn't feel insecure. He doesn't understand why I don't seem keen to get to know her as he says she might be involved with our son one day. Over the past couple of days some of the things that happened during our break up have been haunting me and I ended I telling him I was upset about it - such as telling me I was shit at sex. He got upset and said I need to leave the past in the past and we need to move on for the sake of our son and not mention or think about the past anymore. This morning he texted me and told me he was in a bad mood so I needed to avoid any more psycho dramas when dropping off our son. When he arrived he said we wouldn't be getting back together. He totally missed the point that I don't want to get back together, it's just seeing him every day and only him is dragging back all the horrible memories of our break up and that I have no other support right now. I find it hard to just forget the past and not let it affect how I behave around or feel towards him. I also don't feel comfy with the idea of getting to know his new girlfriend right now. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

birdsbeefriesandeggs · 09/04/2020 21:03

Forget about his new gf, she doesn't matter in of this right now. Why are his visits daily? How old is your son?

slipperywhensparticus · 09/04/2020 21:04

You need to be less emotional around him he doesnt care if he was nasty to you he is too busy in the impressing the girlfriend stage of his relationship

Original poster

user1476349587 · 09/04/2020 21:06

Agreed simple advice thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1476349587 · 09/04/2020 21:08

To share care of our son so we can both work half the day during the lockdown. I appreciate the help obviously, it's just hard in other ways..

OP posts:

chickenyhead · 09/04/2020 21:08

What a worm.

You have no obligation to get to know his latest fling at all.

I think that you would benefit from restricting all contact beyond that which is essential in respect of your child.

Every day contact seems rather extreme and will confuse both you and your child as to whether you are still in a relationship or not.

It isn't fair on either of you and seems controlling to me. What if you met someone else? Would he be ok with that?

He is keeping you exactly where he wants you. Single and insecure.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 09/04/2020 21:12

Why do you have to see him every day? I don't know how I would feel about this. I think I would want to meet someone who was going to be around my child, but if you don't feel it's y what you want, they can force you, and all you have to tell him is you don't want to meet her.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 09/04/2020 21:14

Ah sorry, I see you are both working everyday. Not your responsibility to reassure his new girlfriend, she is nothing to do with you.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 09/04/2020 21:17

I don't think there is much reason to bring up the past tbh.
I'd suggest becoming a 'grey rock' when he's around. Exchange your hold fine, but other than hi and bye keep talking to a minimum.
His gf is none of your concern, his feelings are also none of your concern and his 'Mood' has nothing to do with you either.

Standrewsschool · 09/04/2020 21:36

How long ago did you split up? It sounds like he has moved on.

In many ways, he’s right. The past is the past, and you do need to think of the future and your dc. Why did he think you wanted to get back together? That’s a strange thing to say out of the blue. Did you say anything that made him think this is what you wanted?

How long has he been with gf? Short time or long? If long, then I can understand why he wants you to ‘meet’ her, as she will be involved in dc’s upbringing, and he wants you to both get along.

Original poster

user1476349587 · 09/04/2020 21:40

Thanks your comments have helped.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1476349587 · 09/04/2020 21:45

He's been with his new girlfriend since October. Ive been a bit clumsy in some of my interactions but don't want to get back together, The boundaries are just too blurred that's the issue. At X Mas he wanted to spend X Mas Eve night at mine so he could wake up and see our son on X Mas morning. I said no but it caused real issues between us. His new girlfriend sensed the friction I think and I ended up having to speak to her on the phone and reassure her we weren't getting back together. All fucked up to be honest. It's probably why i feel messed up with it all.

OP posts:

Ilikepepper · 09/04/2020 21:50

It must be very hard that the main adult you see is your ex (for the now). He has given you emotional wounds. Those wounds should make you pleased that you are not with this man. It says a lot about his personality that he made the immature sex insult and described you telling him about your feelings as 'psycho' (esp when he expects you to reassure someone else). Just because he said these insults does not make them true. He was trying to hurt you. And so he won't be the one to make you feel better.

It's like the 7 stages of acceptance. Maybe this is the bargaining one where you're looking to him to fix the wounds you've been left with. Don't interact with him much at the handover. Keep the conversation all about the kids. When it comes to gfs then you're only interested when it becomes seriously important to your child, not to him. His new relationship could fold so why bother hurting yourself. He doesn't care if you hurt but you have to and do so by protecting yourself from this needless hurt.

How do you let go? The acceptance that all that crap happened and there's no way of changing it but deciding that you are going to love you and look after you. It suddenly won't matter a jot and you'd bore yourself to even think of him or the nonsense he said to hurt you. X

SandyY2K · 10/04/2020 01:39

Keep your communication with him focused on your child. Anything else regarding your past pointless and won't help either of you.

If you need to talk, a counsellor would be better.

You shouldn't be forced to meet his GF until you're ready. If she's insecure that's her problem.

Maybe she shouldn't date a man with kids if she can't handle it.

Candyfloss99 · 10/04/2020 01:45

You need to have boundaries. He doesn't need to come into your house. He doesn't even need to say anything to you or you to him unless needed about the child. His gf has nothing to do with you and you should tell him this.

FabbyChix · 10/04/2020 01:55

It’s not your responsibility to facilitate and be ready to appease her insecurity. Your his past and have a child together why is she threatened. It’s his problem not yours and he should be standing up to her and saying if she isn’t adult enough to deal with it he is walking away

lilmishap · 10/04/2020 02:10

He's right you do need to let go of the past.

Which is why you won't be involving yourself in any more of his life. No chats with his GF, no chats with him.

In fact HE needs to move on. Help him by refusing to engage. You don't need to be rude but you don't have to be interested either.

AgentJohnson · 10/04/2020 02:12

You need to stop accommodating him. His insecure gf is not your problem, him wanting to spend Christmas Eve at yours should have also been a no no.

Co parenting your son doesn’t mean he gets to call the shots. I suspect that this arsehole likes having the drama of two women supposedly ‘giving him grief’
friction he’s been deliberately stoking.

Do your MH a favour and stop feeding this twats ego by relying on him for adult contact.

This twat has an agenda and it isn’t supporting the MH of his Ex or new gf.

ittooshallpass · 10/04/2020 02:18

Set your boundaries. No he can't stay over at Christmas or any other day he fancies 'being there in the morning' and no you won't be talking to his new girlfriend on video to settle her insecurities either. That's nothing to do with you and not your responsibility to sort.

It's unfortunate that you have to see him every day at the moment, but ias that's the way it has to be right now, again set your boundaries. No talking about how his previous comments made you feel. Be bright and breezy at hand overs, keep them short and sweet and get the support and conversion you need to keep you sane on forums like this.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 10/04/2020 02:28

I would stop letting them walk on you. From now on dont talk about anything but the child.

Tell him that you are being inconvenienced by his girlfriends problems whoch simply arnt your issue and you no longer wish to hear about them.

No point bringing up the past.

lilmishap · 10/04/2020 02:33

she needs to get to know me so she doesn't feel insecure

So she needs to see you and speak to you because then she will believe he's not shagging you?
What if you're better looking? What if you're more confident? What speech exactly does he have planned to convince her?

Any chat is more likely to be a character assassination, you may be asked to confirm that you haven't had sex with him or asked to explain how you feel about him, or have to sit while he lists your 'flaws' - to a stranger who is dysfunctional enough she wants to speak to you. Allegedly.

Honestly if he's working and seeing you daily, but not seeing her and staying over at your house and getting you to speak to her (Helloo wtf?) then he is intentionally creating drama.

Put your foot down. You don't want him back, it's over. Stop letting him keep you in his life (and his relationship which is weird)and insist
handovers happen at the door with basic civilities.

mumsie2020 · 10/04/2020 02:35

.
Limit the conversations to your child.
when you want to bite or get angry/upset I would imagine your child or someone you value watching your argument
How the hell did your crap at sex comment come up.
It is difficult to remove on and Forget maybe not forget but come to terms it wasn't good that the relationship is only as parents now,
For 18 years!
I would refuse to be involved with a new partner but be respectful; a video chat with her no way!
Treat him as a business partner, your sons your business.
He can arrive early Xmas morning not stay over that's keeping it to friendly expecting to stay. If his partners insecure tough for her and her issue!
Don't listen to your ex's opinions or sex ratings because really he's playing games and stopped caring they become arrogant and ignorant to you.
Try limiting the convo and I can imagine the issues are not going away but it is the past now.

lilmishap · 10/04/2020 02:41

This morning he texted me and told me he was in a bad mood so I needed to avoid any more psycho dramas when dropping off our son

Avoid any more drama says the man asking you to speak to his GF for the SECOND time, because she knows he's still too invested in your life.

She's not wrong is she. You know it, she knows it and he's loving it

ahsan · 11/04/2020 14:59

Tell him and his girlfriend to F off, making a fool out of you taking the mick. Not down to you to reassure his girlfriend, he’s just trying to show his new fling off and get an ego boost from conversations with you and you both having cat fights. Restrict the twat and live your life

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