Relationship rocky after miscarriage

[2020GirlAdvice]

Hi,
So I’ve recently had a miscarriage and had to go through it alone because of covid-19 situation. It was hard but my partner was there to support me through the phone. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy and it was only around 7 weeks. When it was happening things we were weird between us but after a week things seemed “normal” again. Our conversations returned to what it was pre pregnancy and miscarriage BUT we have not said “I love you” in 3 weeks. I havnt said it after I noticed he stopped. Things feel normal but they don’t at the same time and the virus social distancing is is already hard. I just feel like this miscarriage will be the end of us as we were only together 4 ish months but we had a whole furture planned, it was/is one of those fast moving relationships so I thought until this happened and I think he realised his actually not ready for the past pace and slowed down completely. I don’t know. Just hard going through it alone and feel awkward to mention why he stopped saying I love you when I stopped because he has. I don’t know if I even make sense.

Hi there, @2020GirlAdvice - sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time. We just wanted to bob on here and let you know that we've moved your thread over to the Relationships topic and we hope you get some useful advice and support here. Take care

Dear OP - sorry to hear you've been having such a rough time and I hope you are feeling a bit better now.

As regards possible explanations for how your BF is now behaving and whether the miscarriage will be the end of your relationship: you said that you were only together about 4 months but that you had a whole future planned because it was one of those fast moving relationships. However, 4 months really is a very short period of time in a relationship, no matter how strongly you feel about each other and it really was too soon to have a whole future planned. Most of those fast moving relationships come a cropper. You don't really know each other and in particular you don't know how each of you will act in difficult times. You're still very much in the honeymoon phase when you're seeing only the best of your partner. Also, some people (though not necessarily your BF) use future faking and love-bombing as a way to get more from their partner in a relationship, such as e.g. unprotected sex, than their partner might otherwise be willing to give.

When you’ve only been together for such a short fine, future plans are inevitably built on fantasy, not reality, and can crash and burn when reality bites. And having an unplanned pregnancy is a very powerful example of reality biting - that would be the case at any time but particularly when you've only been together for such a short time. So it's likely that your BF has had somewhat of a scare - presumably you have also. It would be very irresponsible to plan a pregnancy so early on in a relationship because it is the biggest commitment any person can make and a huge responsibility to take on - to create and raise a new human being. Your pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage were a very powerful dose of reality, set against the fantasy that you and he were enjoying.

So it's possible that your BF has been totally scared off. But it isn't necessarily the case. The fact that this has happened does not mean your relationship has no future but if you and he do want the relationship to continue, you should use this as an opportunity to slow things right down - stop making big plans for the future and just take each day at a time and allow your relationship to grow in a more measured and sustainable way. After all, what is the rush?

Sorry for your loss op, even if it wasn't planned it's a very strange and emotional thing to experience.

I think there obviously is the possibility that he feels things went too quickly, but, even my dh of 10 years didn't know what to do I'd say when I had my first mc, he admitted he didn't know how to help or not and also that he didn't feel about it the way I did. Harsh but better he was honest and it's nit uncommon for men to feel detached about it.

How was he when you discovered you were pregnant? I guess you haven't seen him for a number of weeks now either?

Thank you so much for your reply ❤️

Everything you said and explained is right and you made me realise about the “honeymoon” period vs. actual reality which I was most definitely blinded by. In the midst of everything I did say to him in anger “why did you say wanted to get married and have kids when you’re acting like this” and I felt like everything he said was a lie but then felt bad because it is still only a new relationship to expect something like that and now realise it’s the fantasy “this is new and exciting” talk.

We most definitely need to slow things down which I guess has happened naturally now anyway.

I’m just not looking forward for when the lockdown is over and we have to discuss it face to face to put an end to this chapter of miscarriage.

I wish this didn’t happen and the honeymoon period was longer ☹️

@yukka when I told him it was a more of “what should we do”. We discussed the option of abortion which seemed to be what he wanted most. He said he was happy to have the baby and support me with whatever decision I make but I just know abortion was what he wanted and preferred. I understand why he would want that given the circumstances that we weren’t together long but it’s like it’s something that is stuck at the back of my mind. Even though I considered abortion too I have this bit of anger at him and I don’t know if I will ever get over it because I still love him and want a furture with him.

Hi OP - it is a shame that you weren't able to enjoy the honeymoon period for a bit longer and it's natural that you would both be feeling rather strange after having the experience of an unexpected pregnancy and a miscarriage, and for you the experience is probably also very emotional.

It is probably inexperience which caused him to make such big promises in the early months rather than just letting things evolve at a natural pace. It does sound like the feelings were very strong on both sides and it is easy to be blinded by that, particularly if you are experiencing it for the first time. So chalk this up to experience and use this as an opportunity to slow things down. If you are both willing to move beyond this, you can still enjoy those feelings for each other and savour them rather than rushing them. If you are unable to do that, then it means that there was no future in the relationship in any case, but hopefully you will both be able to learn and grow from this and move forward together.

@Dery Thank you so much for your replies ❤️

I appreciate it so much ❤️

You’re welcome!