Jealousy of step-son

[Member346563]

I have 3 steps, all adults with kids but I have always had this jealousy of one of them. To the outside world he is charm personified but within the family he causes lots of problems, his 2 siblings will not have anything to do with him because of his behaviour, when his marriage blew up spectacularly, he was left with 2 small boys and promptly tried to put them up for adoption (don’t ask about the mother...a whole other story) as he wanted the single life, he would dump them on anyone who would take them, me and his Dad mainly but anyone else who he could sweet talk as well. We later found out that he had a daughter by another woman whilst he was still married. I should point out that he has since met another woman who, by and large, looks after his children.

I’m telling you this so you can get a view of the type of person he is. Yet I should also point out that, financially, he is a good provider, allowing the gf to stay at home with kids.

Because of his bad behaviour, and believe me what I have stated above is the tip of the iceberg, I have fallen out with him and not spoken to or seen him for 3 years.

Back to my jealously, this man is my OH favourite child, they get on exceptionally well, yet my husband admits that were he not his son he would not like him. My husband has also forgiven him for the all the awful things he has done to us and others and the stress it has caused us over the years. They talk and laugh on the phone every other day and I just seethe, he talks to him like a precious child in such a loving way that I sometimes think I would like to leave my marriage so as to not feel the jealousy I have...I have no problem with my other 2 step children who are lovely people.

And yet my husband is a good, kind person whom I love and I just don’t know what to do for the best. Can I get over this jealousy? Is there anywhere I can go to for help? It’s been a long time now and I wonder if the only way I can get over it is to leave. Advise please, be kind.

Most parents will love their children regardless of what they do. Your SS doesn't sound like a good person at all, but your H isn't going to detach from him.

Even his own sisters don't talk to him... Can you not walk away when your H is talking to him?

Do you know exactly what you're jealous of? Is it their relationship? Does your H prioritise his son to your detriment?

Has your H ever actually expressed disappointment at his son's behaviour?

I don't see him as generous when his GF looks after his kids BTW. He should be grateful.

Why do you call this feeling jealousy? Does he not talk to you with the same love in his voice?

I would call the feeling a mixture of incomprehension and general frustration that he is blind to his son's faults.

Like the PP I would love to know what he says about his son to you and his feelings about his behaviour.

Golden child syndrome.
SS is probably a narc or close thereto.

DH wont change his view so sadly ball is in your court.

I think now the chap is with somebody and you don't have his children left with you - except maybe sometimes if you want them - why be jealous? He's not an every day part of your life.

It's good that your husband loves him and forgives him, that is what parents do. He's not blind to his son's faults but just hasn't given up hope. Would we not all forgive and love our children and many of us have been loved and forgiven by parents.

There's nothing you can do about it, Member, except try to think differently about the whole thing. I know that's not easy but jealousy is an ugly emotion.

Thanks for your input it has allowed me to consider some things I hadn’t thought of. I can see that they have a lot of shared interests I.e. football and piano playing, whereas hubby and I really have no shared interests. Also stepson plays up to my husbands ego which I refuse to do. I do walk away when SS is on the phone but I still seethe inside.

He doesn’t much talk about his son to me as he knows my feelings about him but also he adores his grandchildren, rightly, whereas we never had children together so another thing they have in common. Wish I could get over this.....

I do t get why you would be jealous of a father and his son. Families do forgive shit behaviour. Families do all they can to stay a family. You can’t change what’s gone but you can ensure that going forwards things change and who he was doesn’t affect you

Is it actually jealousy or is it resentment that this person has made life difficult for you? I can understand resentment and thoroughly disliking your SS, but to be jealous doesn't really make sense. Are you actually jealous that your dh's attention is given to him instead of you? If that is really the case why don't you feel like that about your other sdc?