Help me decide what to do -feel stuck

[Welshqueen]

Married for 20 years. Two teenage daughters (17 and 19). Marriage is dead, no sex, very little communication. We spend our spare time in different rooms and I sleep in the spare room. No infidelity on either side. I respect him and still love him (like a brother/friend). We have nothing in common and are living like civil housemates. We have just grown apart. I don’t find him attractive anymore and I assume the feeling is mutual.

I am so feckin’ lonely. I am 47 and the clock is ticking. We have talked repeatedly about how to change things but nothing changes. We’re just so different. I like socialising, holidays and outdoor stuff. He is (in the kindest way) a nerd. Computers/gaming/programming are his life. We can’t even find anything to watch together because he likes fantasy genres and I like documentaries.

I really want to leave. I’ve tried so hard over the years to make it work but it’s to no avail.

The one thing that’s stopping me leaving is the girls. They both still live at home. I keep reading about how devastating it is for older kids when their parents split and it’s killing me to think about hurting them or causing them psychological damage.

I keep thinking that putting my own happiness above theirs is incredibly selfish. I long to be in a relationship with someone I can enjoy life with but that’s never going to happen with my DH.

Help me rationalise this please x

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? (Mary Oliver)

I’m not sure I know what you mean FlowerArranger :/

Marriage is dead, no sex, very little communication. We spend our spare time in different rooms and I sleep in the spare room.

This is what you are modeling as a healthy relationship to your girls. Is it better than splitting? I don't know.

I found my very affectionate parents repulsive as a teen. But I did know what a loving marriage looked like as a result. A family member finally split after years of her and her H not touching, barely looking at each other. Her children have no clue what a marriage is supposed to look like.

Go out and live your life WelshQueen. It doesn't sound like you're getting anything out of this apart from your lovely children who are old enough by the sounds of it, to understand that sometimes people breakup when they're not happy together. They are almost adults themselves and have probably felt the 'no attraction, no spark' thing between themselves and boys their own age by now so they'll probably know that sometimes things just go sour.
Do what makes you happy or you'll look back in another 20 years wishing you hadn't stuck it out, the girls will just want you to be happy I'm sure of it. They can still see their Dad.
If my Mum wanted out, I'd hope she would do it.
Good luck x

Just read the Mary Oliver poem FlowerArranger so I get the reference now.

Thanks MrsTerryPratchett. I think we did model a relatively good relationship until about five years ago. We loved each other properly then because we were busy bringing up the girls and tending to the house. It’s now that the differences have become stark. The girls have their own lives and interests and it transpired that me and DH cannot find each other again.

I have tried to be into the same things as him but I find his interests dull and annoying. He is not interested in socialising or holidays.

I really wish we could get it back but I know it’s gone.

Please be honest, how much would me leaving impact on my girls? I know my relationship is not ‘normal’ but it’s their normal and despite my loneliness, our family life is stable .

I would get a flat nearby and see them often but would be free to live my own life. I could only afford a flat and, despite the fact they’re closer to me than their Dad, I think they would opt to stay in the family home.

Thanks CMarie. I’m just wracked with guilt. They are such lovely, happy girls. I don’t want to break them.

I've been in your daughters situation and I so deeply wish that my parents had split up earlier than they did (I was 18 and living at home), mainly because I love them and wish they'd both had more time to find happiness whether single or with new people.

But also because as much as I know they didn't mean to, they modelled what I thought was 'normal' relationship behaviour that has probably affected me more deeply than they realise. I never saw them hold hands, have really deep and meaningfuls, flirt jokingly, be genuinely having a laugh together etc. Lots of tension and awkwardness.

I'm 33 and it's taken me until now to meet someone and discover you can have all that in a relationship. And I feel sad that my mum has never experienced that - being with someone who is like a best friend you also fancy loads and love spending time with.

I'm sure your girls are lovely and just as your main priority is them, you might be surprised how much they are able to be mature if you present a united front about splitting (I know this is hard but sounds very possible to do in your case) they'll want you to be happy more than almost anything else.

Especially as my parents split in part because of my dad meeting someone else which did more damage to our relationship than if he had just left. I wouldn't have felt 'left' then or that he chose something over me, if that makes sense. I did feel a sense of betrayal because he left for someone else, but not because he left.

I also carried a sense of guilt for a good few years as I was told often they had tried and stayed together 'for me' which felt like a huge responsibility I didn't ask for.

Please realise you should show your children they should want to be happy and it sounds like you could still be friends and go to events like their weddings without them worrying about fallouts etc. That would be such a lovely result x

OP, you spend your time in separate rooms, sleep in separate rooms and do nothing together.

I think you can be sure that your daughters know that things aren't right.

You're not going to break them. They will understand.

I think they would be far more upset in later life to realise you sacrificed your chance at happiness while they were taking all the opportunities possible to create theirs (as they should!)

They already know that the relationship is not not there. They can see it. Split if you need to.

I agree with backseatcookers, I had a friend who's parents split when he turned 18 when they though he was old enough to 'handle it' and he always said he wished they'd split sooner, he hated seeing them both sad and arguing and he's still close with them both, so I don't think this will damage your relationship with the girls, as long as they see you genuinely happy they will be happy just for that!
If your husband isn't cruel or abusive then surely you can stay 'friends' at least and still be a good co-parenting family. Maybe talk to the girls? I kkow its mot good or usually advised to include the kids in a separation but they're old enough to understand what would be happening and maybe set your mind at ease giving them the heads up or asking them for advice maybe? I don't kmow, my kids are both very young so that wouldn't work for me but maybe with older teens it might help them and you if you're open about it...

Your children are on the cusp of their own adult lives. They will cope. Do you really think they want you to be miserable?

I'm the same age as you, op, and I feel in my prime. I'm in a really happy place, secure job and a newish relationship. Its never too late. Go live, be happy x

My eldest son is 12 and really mature. I feel like asking him how he would feel if me and his dad were to split up, just for reassurance that he would be ok. I know he realises there's something making me unhappy, he's always checking on me to see if I'm ok. Of course I need to make this decision myself, but just to have some kind of guarantee that my boys would be ok with it, I'd feel 100% happier. It's awful being stuck. I feel like I'm under a ten ton weight and I just need it lifted off me :( x

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you?. What in turn are you teaching your kids now about relationships?.

Do not keep on doing your bit here to show your daughters that a loveless marriage could be their norm too. They know all too well that your marriage is well and truly over and has been for some time and they won't say thanks mum to you for staying with him for what are really your own reasons. Using them as the reason to stay is infact no reason at all and all that does too is place a terribly heavy burden on the kids. Far too many people in crap and otherwise dead marriages hang on in there till the kids go to uni and that is a huge mistake too.

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. I’m taking a lot of time to think at the moment.

My mum and dad had a miserable marriage but there was a huge amount of conflict, drama and aggression. It was very different to my situation but I suppose it didn’t give me the best idea of how things should be.

I can totally relate to your dilemma Bearski. It’s heart wrenching stuff.

I have friends who have split and their kids seem fine.

In all honesty, I wish me and DH could have worked things out. We neglected our relationship and this is the end result. We didn’t nurture our relationship at all and I have a lot of regret because of that. We’re both decent people but want different things out of life. I think he fell out of love first and his subsequent apathy towards me crushed my feelings for him. I have hoped it would return but it hasn’t.

My advice to anyone younger would be to put the effort into your relationship whilst it’s still alive. Nurture similar interests and spend regular good quality time together. We didn’t. After it goes, no amount of effort seems to be able to bring it back. It gets beyond repair.

You'll be ok Welshqueen and so will they.
Do what your heart tells you for YOU. Don't do what you think will hurt the girls less, it probably hurts them seeing you miserable.
1 year after a split you will probably realise its the best thing you ever did, apart from having the 2 little gals of course