Stress and past trauma- what do I do?

[Rosequartz7]

Hello,
I am posting for objective advice, as I cannot see the woods for the trees at the moment.
I know I am in a really privileged position to be able to even have options and I am massively grateful for that and absolutely acknowledge it.

So just before coronavirus kicked off I was signed off work with stress. This occurred after a long period of about a year where I was getting painful body aches every day, poor sleep, low mood, increased anxiety and my hair had started falling out really badly to the point where half a handful would come out every time I washed my hair and I had to cut it.

I have a stressful job in mental health with a lot of responsibility and pressure, with a big workload, made worse by the service being badly organised and run, pressure from above to meet targets and they would go through everyone’s diaries to see if they thought you weren’t doing enough and no provision for staff wellbeing.

Lots of lone working with little support and the directive to give clients as little as possible and sign them off asap to meet targets which went against all my morals. I had nightmares about the children my service was letting down and had constant worry in case there was anything I should have done and my massive to do list. Other staff and I have asked for help, leeway, support, etc and not had anything back. I have also been studying and moved house so that added pressure.

I have a child and was a single mum to him with no input from his dad for over a decade. I have no family support as I had an abusive childhood and went no contact when my child was young to protect them.
My childhood set me up for accepting poor relationships and I had bad friendships and abusive relationships, one of which I sought help from police and WA to get away, thankfully I never moved in with him. I won't detail past trauma so as not to upset anyone.

The impact of my past life feels as though it is manifesting itself and getting worse with the symptoms I have had over the last year or so – resulting in where I am now. I have had therapy at times over the years which helped a bit.

I have a great partner now and a healthy relationship which I am very thankful for which is a positive, as well as a great kid and good friends, 1 or 2 of whom are lovely close ones.

The coronavirus and getting signed off means that I have almost been forced to stop and think about what really matters. I am torn between keeping fighting, achieving, trying to provide for my family, worrying about money, and feeling I really can’t go back to the life that I had before.
I have handed in my notice before, last year, and work offered me different hours to keep me and I thought that would be better but its not. So maybe its just me that gets really stressed and can’t cope and whatever I do I will feel the same. Still I can’t bear to think about having to go back when my sick leave is over, but I feel immense guilt about this, given world events.

Ultimately you only get one life and I don’t want to dread going into work and crying about it. I had a massive sobbing cry at work before I went off that was massively embarrassing and I felt so unprofessional.

I don’t want to have to take painkillers every day and medication/ alternative remedies/ glass of wine to cope. I hate feeling the effects of stress on my mind and body. My dad and his dad and uncle had heart attacks. I want to be the well mum my DC will remember that has time and headspace for them.

I have been thinking about what I could do and was thinking maybe something like part time teaching assistant or some work around school hours that would mean I could still finish my course and be there for my DC. As well as that it would mean I could have a team around me and shared responsibility but still work with children which I love doing. Or care work at a residential home where the people I work with will be safe when I am not there as someone else shares the responsibility.
This would be a massive pay cut but I have done cleaning/care/support/volunteering with children and elderly work before and found it really rewarding- these jobs as people are now starting to acknowledge are crucial and important roles that underpin our society.

I feel like this whole post is really self-indulgent especially at this time in our collective reality when there is so much going on, but on the other hand times like this make you realise that life is short and precious and what is really important.

Has anyone navigated stress and burnout before, or managed the effect a traumatic earlier life has on their stress levels and found a good balance? Do I need to just suck it up? Is it just me? Is there another way? Any practical advice on how to make it work with kids and study? Anyone found anything that helps? I just feel completely overwhelmed and have no idea what direction to go in. I just want to be a good mum.

Happy to be told IABU and suck it up, any advice welcome. Thanks and sorry its long!

Hiya you're absolutely not being unreasonable. Life goes on despite coronavirus. And the stress will return.
I can't comment on specifics but I had time off for stress a few years ago and reading sunbathing in the rain by gwyneth Lewis gave me a way through it. Previously I'd soldiered on, had therapy, taken ads, had lots of pain and sadness. Her book talks about using your depression /stress to understand what's not working in your life. And then to change it. Obviously loads more to it but it made me reflect on stuff differently and consequently I left my profession and am now happy after decades of misery. Again, that's the short version.
It may or may not resonate with you.
Whatever, I think you're right to use this time as productively as possible. Good luck with it all

I would 100 per cent say that when work is making you ill, then stop and move on, whatever the 'practical' reasons for staying.

Work is such a huge part of our lives - so it needs to be something we love.

In your position, it may be that you enjoy the work, but hate the place you do it? Don't discount that. I left the NHS, downgraded (have since upgraded again) and have not looked back.

People tend to have a scarcity mentality around work, and feel that they must just put up and shut up, and it doesn't have to be that way. I'd really recommend Kara Loewenthall and her website: unfuckyourbrain.com/ She has loads of free resources and her podcasts are great at helping you sort through your brain, especially on work matters, I've found.

She also has this amazing way of getting you to challenge your assumptions - and she bagan by advising people who worked kin law (as she did), so she knows a lot about work stress and work/life balance.

It really doesn't have to be this way, Rose, I hope you find your way through xx

@Rumred - thank you. I will have a look at that book. It's good to hear from someone who has been through it. I'm glad you were able to take that time to reflect and you're happy now. It must have taken great courage to leave your profession.

@ChristmasFluff - Thank you,
In your position, it may be that you enjoy the work, but hate the place you do it? Don't discount that. I left the NHS, downgraded (have since upgraded again) and have not looked back.

This resonates, it's the service I work in (also NHS) that is killing me off. I don't know if it is an NHS - wide thing, but the structure of people getting paid a lot, higher up, to give a lot of orders about things they don't do or know too much about ( or even jobs they have never done in our case), and refuse to listen to the people on the ground who aren't given a voice to improve or develop the service, just ground into the coalface as more pressure mounts and as my ex colleague said: "shit rolls downhill". Needless to say, she left.
I will have a read of unfuck your life. I opened it and read "Are you a smart feminist woman who struggles with anxiety and insecurity?" and immediately thought aha! So thank you.
It's helpful to know that others have come through this. I just don't know how to put one foot in front of the other at the moment.

Sorry you are going through this. I can totally relate. I think having had trauma in childhood can lead one to going into caring professions which are loaded with stress about others wellbeing.

Lots in your post resonated with me OP

So maybe its just me that gets really stressed and can’t cope and whatever I do I will feel the same , I think this when ever I try and evaluate career options.

I changed roles due to stress and went from working in a school to childrens' social care. The stress are different but as you imagine I did feel contained in a school and that at 3pm the kids went home. having said that the stress at school still drove me to leave. I now find the open ended aspect of the work I do means it is hard to switch off and I am still stressed about all the work I can't do because of funding/time constraints/capacity. I went part time and found I now struggle to fit all work into my hours. I also went from a permanent to a fixed term contract.

I often want to go back to my old role, and dont know what to do next, but I feel whatever I do I will be stressed by work.

Sorry to hear you are struggling as well @myidentitymycrisis. I hear you. Sounds like we work in a similar field, I also went part time but it feels like the same but with less time to do it!

I think having had trauma in childhood can lead one to going into caring professions which are loaded with stress about others wellbeing

I never really thought about it like that but it does make sense. Some of the times of least stress in my life I have had jobs with a finite task that needs completing and no one's wellbeing really associated with it ie packing in a bakery, lots of cleaning, factory work, retail, fruit picking, manual work.
But then I have always felt I should be doing more like serving and looking after others because I am good at it, but I wonder if that's because my role in the past has been to fix others, be the scapegoat, take other people's shit/distress/anger/sadness without complaint and of course put myself last.

I was thinking recently that sometimes I resent being good at what I do as I feel like because of what's happened to me I have insider knowledge that makes me really attuned to people going through similar so I understand how to help them. Like i could have been something else but I have never had any confidence to do anything other than caring/therapy/support type roles.

I always wanted to be a musician or writer or artist when I was a kid but I never took the opportunities offered to me due to any talent I had (esp music and writing) as I was and still am crippled by low self esteem (due to my childhood and a lot of my adult life which I won't go into).

I'll always be gutted I never pursued something * I * wanted to do when I was younger. But I don't know how many people actually get to do that. Even when I think about it I remember the ridicule, laughter, cruelty and "who do you think you are" from when I was younger. I also think people approve of those in 'helping professions' and maybe going into that is a way of getting approval, when you have been ripped apart by others when young and any personal or creative traits have been a source of other people's amusement. I dont know.

I feel like I'm being really selfish just wanting to step back and self protect, but I wonder given the above if that has been conditioned into me (by family of origin but also society as a whole).

I do believe a lot of anxiety and depression, panic disorders etc. don't just come from nowhere and earlier lives shape it all... but in the here and now what steps can I take to overcome that guilt and shame (for even existing) thats been hammered into me, and unhook myself from that whole narrative of "not sacrificing your self for others is selfish and serving others is the only way you have worth".

Just writing it down here is really helping to get a handle on things even if its self indulgent!

@Rosequartz7 I read your whole post and felt compiled to comment . Firstly have you had counselling or therapy for your stress and trauma ?
I work in a similar field mental health (NHS) and I was also off with stress last year. They were good at offering me counselling which I had but when I returned it was just the same issues crap management no resources bitchy staff. I would love to branch out and do something completely different like you I m not happy but I m a single parent and have to support my DD. It s hard to make a decision but life is short and too short to be unhappy in any job. Hope you make the right decision

Interesting comments about working in helping professions. I was in child protection social work for 26 years. I survived by changing jobs and roles and only recently realised that I wasn't cut out for it full stop. The responsibility I felt and sadness and abuse I witnessed daily cut too deeply. I now earn very little working for myself doing manual stuff. Still get stressed but nowhere near the levels I did before.
Feeling I had to do something to help combat abuse got me into and kept me in social work but I paid a very high personal price. So I'd recommend getting out of professions that harm you. I'm lucky to have built up savings which are keeping my head above water. They'll run out but then there's benefits. I didn't think I could live without a good wage but it's possible.
I have had a struggle with meaning and purpose but I'm OK with my new life and have found meaning in what a do even though it isn't sacrificing me
So I'm trying to say it's OK to reconsider and change direction, although not easy

but in the here and now what steps can I take to overcome that guilt and shame (for even existing) thats been hammered into me, and unhook myself from that whole narrative of "not sacrificing your self for others is selfish and serving others is the only way you have worth".

You're already doing it. You're identifying and challenging this narrative. You've realised that you have been sacrificing yourself and that actually you deserve to be able to live a life you enjoy. I think you need to start pursuing the things you want to do.

What is the course you are doing?

I think your main issue is that you see taking care of yourself as being self indulgent. The fact is, if you keep pushing yourself when you know you're already past your stress boundaries, you'll end up having to make the changes you're considering, because you'll do a 'crash landing' ie you'll have a breakdown. That won't help any of the people you're trying to help, and it won't help you.

Do yourself and your child a favour. Take charge of a controlled landing from all this stress. Do what you need to do. It's not a treat or an indulgence; it's absolutely necessary.

Hello all, @rumred I read the Gwyneth Lewis 'Sunbathing in the Rain' book. I get where she is coming from, that one needs to stop fighting and listen to what depression/anxiety/stress is trying to tell you by 'taking you out'. So I am trying to listen, but its very loud and jumbled and confused!

@MaeDanvers I am studying counselling and psychotherapy I have found the part of it where you have to explore your own stuff (despite having had counselling a few times over the past 10 years) really horrendous. I sometimes wonder if I have just had too much Bad Stuff go on that I am full to the brim and just want to live a simple, normal life. But I can hear myself say internally "that's selfish".
I have already done 1 year of it. But I am starting to think maybe i'm a bit resentful that this and the 'caring profession' jobs I have done are all I am good for, being 'conditioned' into it, so to speak.
I am so, so confused and swing between polar opposite points of view constantly every few hours, constantly beating myself up!

I worked for the NHS frontline but it was terrible for my anxiety. In fact I'd never really struggled with anxiety before, but my work practically made me fall apart. So, I left. I feel guilty that I left a profession that needs everyone they can get, but I knew it wasn't right for me and it ultimately wouldn't end well. Now I'm in a job that is far less worthy but I'm happier and that gives me a better relationship with my kids too.

You're not being self indulgent. Take some time, do some research, come up with some ideas of what you could possibly do and see what feels right. You deserve happiness.

You post has get a new job written all over it. You should do it

Hi OP a lot of what you've written resonates with my experience too. For me, working as a Teaching Assistant gives me enough time and energy outside work to devote to my DS (single parent here) and to trying to heal from past abuse from a parent and two ex partners. It can be stressful and is physically tiring, with some worries and duties around child protection, but nothing like the stress you describe in your recent job. I constantly worry though, that I'm not pushing myself enough, not earning enough, not enough in general I guess.
Just wanted to say that I hear you, and hope this time stuck at home brings you some clarity about what you need.