How much recognition do you get in life?

[ThePinkCat123]

This is something that I push to the back of my mind most of the time, but occasionally, it rears it's head and makes me feel a bit shit.

I'm a quiet person in my mid forties. I'm in a relationship with a man I have been with for 12 years. I'm step mum to his 4 kids and have been the main carer for 3 of them for 10 years and Mum the part time care giver. She has never met me, despite my offering. She left my OH 2 years before I met him for another man. Not one person in DP family has ever acknowledged my role to his kids. My DH doesn't really acknowledge it either.

It isn't just my home life though. In work, I feel the same. I left a job that I was in for 9 years and was taken for granted in. The boss keeps asking me to go back, but it had to take me leaving for her to appreciate me. In my friendships, I feel I am often just there to listen to others and feel frustrated when my friends don't really seem to know me by different things that are said to me.

I had a huge life change last year and became sole executor of a late relatives estate which includes a business turning over tens of thousands a year of which I know nothing about. I have stepped up and run the business, not necessarily very well, but I have dealt with a lot of things on my own and yet if I talk to my friends about it, they just change the subject maybe because they don't understand or maybe because they just don't have an interest.

Honestly, I don't want a pat on the head for living my life and I know I make my own choices but sometimes I'd just like to share my life with others and to have someone really listen to me.

Does that make sense?

I know nobody on here knows what sort of person I am. Maybe I am really boring or dull? I am definitely not someone that talks about herself much and I'm not someone who "bigs herself up". I'm generally pretty modest.

I suppose I just want to know if what i feel is normal or not?

I know you're not posting for a pat on the back but I just wanted to say I think you're amazing! It takes a lot for someone to do what you do and not take any praise for it! I know some people who think they deserve a medal for basic life things! for you!

I have this. I just crack on with things and don't make a big deal about stuff but get hurt when it's not recognised. Other people do things I think are run-of-the-mill and talk about it and expect a gold medal.

I do know it comes from my family growing up. My parents were very self absorbed so I just became very internal and got on with stuff. I also know that I have chosen friends (subconsciously) that repeat this pattern. I listen, they talk. Well, I did.........

People seem to big themselves up constantly these days - tis very tiring!

I know exactly what you mean. You are almost too dependable that you are taken for granted, it’s the norm so you get forgotten where as others may need buttering up to do what you would do as standard.
I had this all through my work life, I still remember I had been in my job for 6 years without ever taking a day sick, Miss Dependable. The first time I took two days off because I was really ill, I came back to my boss making sarcastic comments implying that I’d pulled a fast one. I was working alongside someone who went sick at the drop of a hat and nothing was ever said to him! So many examples from work and it does get you down and feel undervalued. But it’s because you really are dependable. Try to take some comfort from the fact your boss didn’t want to lose you.
Some years ago I realised that my husband was also taking me for granted so I now make sure that I tell him exactly what goes on in my day and tell him how I feel about it, that certainly helps. This applies to friends too.
As the previous poster says, it takes a lot for someone to do what you have done, feel your own pride! I bet you are thought of highly by a lot of people, it’s just that “that is you” and you do it all so quietly. It’s a shame that those who shout out their achievements however small, are the ones that get remembered, I’m sure you know many posters on facebook that fit into that category!
I’m not very good with words but I hope what I say makes sense. You know your worth, you need to remind/voice it to others

I think the issue comes in when you don't have boundaries and just get on with it, people don't really get an opportunity to really know and understand you. If you are quiet and dependable, people don't concentrate on you - there's nothing to manage, nothing to discuss, nothing to negotiate with that person. You ask them to do something and they just do it and you never think of it again - the interaction doesn't even enter your memory because it's not noteworthy.

If you don't take up space, people don't see you. It's often that simple.

If you want to be recognised, you'll need to start complaining, pushing back, saying no. It will create conflict and you may lose those people in your life who don't want to deal with that - who wanted a workhorse, not a peer. That's a price to pay for taking up space - you become less palatable to many, many people. But, in return, you do eventually get more authentic relationships with a much smaller group of people.

Thank you, that's very kind of you @BronzeSilverGold13.

I agree others seem to achieve very little yet still get lots of recognition and behave like they deserve a medal for doing what seem to me, to be very ordinary things.

Work wise, my boss had to wait until I had gone before she actually decided I was valued. Up til then, hardly any pay rises, no real training without me asking, all the shit jobs nobody else wanted. She even used to say to me "I won't give this job to X because she will be difficult about it" and then give it to me!

@rvby - you have hit the nail on the head. "If you don't take up space, people don't see you." That is it! I am so easily overlooked, I'm a doormat, a people pleaser.... In my rush to be accepted, I create the opposite. My way of trying to fix it is to do more, to try harder, hoping someone will notice but that isn't what works is it? If I want recognition, I need to say "no" sometimes. Need to state what my needs are, not just pander to everyone else's wants.

You're very welcome... also just wanted to say that saying no is the hardest but sometimes the most worthwhile... it doesn't always feel great but then again neither does being walked on because people know you won't say no! It'll pay in the end to think about yourself a little. I hope you start to have a better time of it soon. If you want to start small I suggest doing something like what I did which is one night a week I'd have a "night off" I wouldn't cook, I didn't do any washing up, I watched what I wanted to watch...DP had just come to expect that I'd juggle uni and work as well as housework and doing the things he wanted (I've endured some god awful tv shows by not saying no) eventually it spilled over into every day life and now I feel a little more confident in my decisions and like they're actually the decisions I want to make... I hope any of this helps sorry if it seems a bit ramble-y