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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need some advice.

26 replies

jesselless · 08/04/2020 12:39

So just a pre warning, this will be a lengthy conversation because I want to start from the beginning, I've seen lots of brilliant responses on here to other threads and I just need some advice because I'm hurting.

lets start in the beginning of February time, I've been with my boyfriend (let's call him Ben) for around a year, he works in the services and his camp is 2 hours away from me, and his job means he has to go away for weeks/months at a time which has never been an issue to me and never will, he went away for 4 months and came back in October, he regularly drove to mine to see me. Things were great for us until the beginning of the year.

I was signed off work for stress and anxiety, I live alone and planned to move and re-locate closer to work which triggered this. Things were hard but I've got through it now, Ben was great he supported me when I needed it, he did everything he could for us and me but we argued and I'm afraid I didn't make him believe that what he did was enough. I'm not saying I was a complete nightmare, I sent him cards, gifts, arranged thoughtful surprises. Honestly I never believed our relationship was bad, we laughed so much, joked, we were affectionate and we loved each other, so I thought.

I moved on Saturday March 14th, he helped me, got his friend to help and hired a van. It was tiring but we did it. In the evening I was tired and snapped at him slightly and he literally exploded at me, kept on saying he was furious, I was sobbing and he just didn't care. The next morning it was as if nothing happened, then the following Monday 16th, we went to the lake district for 4 nights and it was perfect, he drove for 8 hours just so I could see my mum, we again, laughed, joked, affection, we made each other meals. I suspected nothing.

The following Friday we drove back to mine, the Sunday he left and before he left I was upset but only because of his job and the way things are at the moment with Covid -19 I was concerned and just wanted him safe, again he exploded and left. "why is nothing ever good enough for you, you take everything for granted" Bearing in mind I was due back at work on the Monday so I was a little anxious too.

the next evening, he told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted us to break up, after me being signed off, this was when the global lockdown was announced after spending the week with me and driving back to his camp 2 hours away, to dump me over the phone (text may I add, I called him after he sent the text) he said I take things for granted, I don't appreciate anything he does for me, when things are not my way I throw my toys out of the pram. That hurt.

I've spent these 2 weeks in isolation feeling like I've been hit by a train, I cannot believe he wold do this to me. We've been through a lot together, the long distance, I had an abortion last year, I fell pregnant while on the pill and found out while he was away so went through with it alone.

Have I done anything wrong here? I sent him a video saying how sorry I was, he's just ignored it. He hasn't spoken to me. I think he's just zoning out and gaming, ignoring I exist. Every morning I've been meditating, I love fitness and I'm exercising and running near enough everyday, struggling to eat so the weight is falling off me. I'm decorating my new flat, video calling friends and family. I'm just focusing on me and my well-being but I'm just in pain and I miss him so much. it's been 2 and a half weeks. I just never expected this to happen, I didn't see it at all.

All my friends are telling me in time he will realise the mistake he's made, do you think this? Should I not bother with him anymore?

OP posts:

category12 · 08/04/2020 12:59

I would close the door on it. For whatever reason, he's ended things and it doesn't mean you're a nightmare or that you did anything wrong. Friends often try to say what they think will be the most comforting thing, but it's more sense to take him at his word.

Original poster

jesselless · 08/04/2020 13:05

just to add to this, he put his relationship status on facebook as complicated (we are both almost 30!) he's muted me on everything, not blocked me. I just don't understand why.

OP posts:

Gobbycop · 08/04/2020 13:06

Sounds like he has slight anger issues due to the times you mention he's "exploded" for nothing really.
I accept that likely a by product of his job.

Sounds like your doing the right thing in concentrating on your physical and mental health.
I think your friends are telling you what you want to hear which is to be expected.

Carry on as you are, hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. As in the worst being it's over.
Concentrate on you, the rest will fall into place either with or without him.

CuppaZa · 08/04/2020 13:09

Sounds like he finds you hard work.

Original poster

jesselless · 08/04/2020 13:15

@Gobbycop I really like this message, thank you.

OP posts:

MashedSpud · 08/04/2020 13:16

I’d leave it.

In most cases when someone wants no contact it annoys them to keep getting contacted.

FreeKitties · 08/04/2020 13:23

It's a cliche OP but he's just not that into you.
It's not worth analysing or berating yourself over, if you can get yourself a copy of 'its called a breakup because it's broken' it will change how you view relationships (in a good way I promise!)

Time to focus on you - keep on with your fitness, eat well, read, watch TV, draw, write
do what makes you happy.

And lets stop stereotyping people in the forces I've been a forces wife for nearly 22 years and being angry is not a by product of the job.

FTstepmum · 08/04/2020 13:33

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Nothing hurts like it (I know!) but it WILL ease over time, I promise.

I was once married to a man who blew hot and cold like this. It gets much worse over time, believe me - walking on eggshells and being desperate for his "kind" side. Ben sounds like he has discovered his inner sociopath.

I think you could have a lucky escape here.

When or if he asks for you to come back, please say no and be firm. He has treated you disgracefully and does not deserve you as a loving girlfriend.

Much love xxx

Original poster

jesselless · 08/04/2020 13:44

@FTstepmum you're so kind, thank you xxx

OP posts:

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 08/04/2020 13:54

Sounds like he has slight anger issues due to the times you mention he's "exploded" for nothing really.I accept that likely a by product of his job

A byproduct of his job? Really ? What an insult.

Sounds like he has simply had enough and recognizes the relationship isn't working. He's done the sensible thing.

Foldinglaundryisnotforme · 08/04/2020 13:59

Sorry but it sounds to me like he has reached his limit with you're snapping and arguing and negative outlooks on things like his job etc and if I'm honest, if I was in his shoes a video of how sorry you are probably with tears included sounds very manipulating. I understand you have Anxiety but it is his right to set his own limits in life and he clearly finds things too much like hard work with you and just wants an easy life. Let him be

crispysausagerolls · 08/04/2020 14:04

It sounds like you were taking him for granted and he had enough! He’s probably seen the relationship in a different light and is not going to be able to row back from that.

helpmum2003 · 08/04/2020 14:05

I think he is finding the relationship too stressful and you need to accept it's over. Sorry, take care of yourself.

Original poster

jesselless · 08/04/2020 14:09

thank you for all your comments, II am accepting it's over but I just dont understand the facebook thing he did, why not just put it to single? I just don't understand.

OP posts:

YgritteSnow · 08/04/2020 14:17

I think you do sound like hard work tbh and he reached his limit. I know that's hard to hear. It's easy to get into this dynamic. I've been there myself. If someone gives a lot of support and is very caring at the beginning of a relationship it can turn into a pattern where you grow to expect it but it is unsustainable on their part and when they withdraw it it feels like they're being horrible rather than they're actually just backing off a bit. Do you think this could have happened?

If I were you I would leave him alone completely, no calls no messages, nothing. Give him a chance to miss you and wonder about you?

I accept that likely a by product of his job

What do you mean by this @Gobbycop? Serious question.

Original poster

jesselless · 08/04/2020 14:22

@YgritteSnow this actually makes so much sense,yes I think this could of happened and I'm not going to contact him. The video I sent him wasn'y manipulating, and there were no tears. Please don't presume things like that. He struggles to read and I thought a video was much more personal. It was very mean to presume because of his job he has anger issues, that's not the case. It was me that made him angry, I accept that.

OP posts:

YgritteSnow · 08/04/2020 14:32

It's not entirely your fault. Some people like to be "rescuers" and solve All The Problems for new partners, when they're in that first heightened excitement of a relationship, and it's very easy to grow to depend on that, shockingly easy in fact, but then they can get tired of it very quickly and withdraw. It's unhealthy on both sides really. Doesn't seem like it at the minute I know but this break up is a good thing. You'll either be wiser in future relationships or if he does come back it might work as a reset to put things on a healthier footing. Also might be worth googling "Love Bombing".

merryhouse · 08/04/2020 14:45

@Gobbycop is wrong. The best scenario is that it's over.

You were snappy and he exploded, enough to make you cry, and he expected you to accept this as part of life. Which you did.

You expressed worries and concerns, and he exploded again.

You are already trying to work out where you went wrong, whether you were sufficiently appreciative, whether you were too needy.

When he comes back to you, you'll be so relieved that you'll take on board everything he says. You'll accept that the occasional explosion is part of your relationship, and that if only you could learn to be less demanding it wouldn't happen.

By the time he actually hits you (probably once you're married, or have a baby, or have given up work because it's too stressful) you won't feel able to leave.

Change the narrative. Leave this relationship now. Change your facebook status to single, block him everywhere, and continue to concentrate on yourself and your well-being. Make sure you eat protein and vegetables even if nothing else. Read the resources available to you (people are always recommending Chumplady and Lundy Bancroft: no doubt there's more if you look).

When he contacts you again, refuse. Say you don't want to resume the relationship. You don't have to give any further reason.

(oh, and find out why you're so anxious. being signed off with stress just because you're moving house is extreme)

Gobbycop · 09/04/2020 08:52

As I've triggered a couple of people what I was trying to say is that if he's a soldier, someone trained to kill. Then I could accept that as a reason why he might get angry. It wouldn't be uncommon.
I'm not saying that's acceptable behaviour, could have worded it better.

MissBax · 09/04/2020 09:02

Covid, your moving house, anxiety, your job, weight falling off you etc is, I'm sorry, not relevant at all. And if you've used these things to throw at him and guilt him I'm not surprised he's not responding to you. Regardless of whether you agree or not, it's over. It only takes 1 person to end a relationship I'm afraid.

Musti · 09/04/2020 09:02

I have a friend like you and that was the reason why an ex of hers broke up with her. Absolutely doted on her but was fed up of being an emotional punch bag and never knowing if he was with Jekyll or hyde. She is now with someone else and he is happier putting up with her moods.

lennyhenryslaugh · 09/04/2020 10:30

Ok so I need some perspective here, I'm in a relationship with someone and some bits don't feel good...sooooo I want you to list what you think makes a good boyfriend? And what doesn't.

I've been in a long abusive marriage then played the field for a year and have no idea what normal is any more.

AgentJohnson · 09/04/2020 10:51

I've been in a long abusive marriage then played the field for a year and have no idea what normal is any more.

Do the freedom programme.

fuckoffImcounting · 09/04/2020 17:01

I would not be in a relationship with Mr. Explody. I would tell him to fuck right off - no man gets to shout at me.

Dery · 14/04/2020 12:11

I’m with @merryhouse - what you describe sounds faintly abusive to me: a bit as if he expects you to absolutely tow the line in return for his support, otherwise he’s just going to explode at you and refuse to be pacified. He talks of you taking him for granted, while you say you sent little gifts, cards etc. It may be that he got tired of rescuing you also but it would have been good to find a better way of communicating it.

It’s devastating but I think ultimately you may be better off out of this relationship. Indeed, could it at some level have contributed to your anxiety since moving house should not be so stressful that you need to be signed off work?

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