Getting through lockdown with Mum's Aspie Partner

[SonInTheMiddle]

Hi all,

Looking for advice and don't really know where else to turn. I'm 22 and have moved back home to Scotland from London 5 weeks ago before the lockdown began. I was originally only supposed to be staying for a week but then the lockdown was announced and it didn't seem wise to head back down (and would be against the Gov Guidelines anyway).

Anyway since I have been back at home during the lockdown things have gotten progressively worse and it's basically come down to my mum having to close been her son and her partner. He constantly makes sexual comments about my mum and other woman in front of me at the dinner table (in quite graphic detail I might add), he also called me bend a couple nights ago which I tried my hardest not to lose it at as I am gay myself and just out a difficult relationship. He constantly accuses me of making excessive noise and being messy (i.e getting small droplets of water on the bathroom mat after a shower, walking around the house). My mum and I am working from home doing jobs which requires a lot of phone calls, he gets upset that I am being too loud on the phone as he can't watch YouTube videos on his phone in the living (mum and I work on the dining table connected to the living room(He doesn't work so is always on the sofa in the living room). I am trying to be mindful and not cause trouble but somethings are just unavoidable. He doesn't bring up his gripes with me either, it's all done though my mum who understands that I am not purposely trying to cause trouble. So she's kind of in the middle of all of this. Just to add I am paying keep since I am living with them and it would be unfair if I didn't contribute in this climate.

Last night they had a fight, that I overheard whereby he told my mum that he isn't happy that I am here and wishes it was just the two of them and doesn't know how long he is going to be able to cope with me in the house. I feel that I am constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid arguments and upsetting him, I have told my mum that if it continues I might have to go back to London if this continues as it is taking a toll on my MH and putting a strain on my mum's relationship with him, she does love him but fears about being alone.

I really just don't know how I'm going to cope if the lockdown is extended, I feel like I am no longer welcome in my family home.

For context sorry- My mum and dad (who I still get on well with) separated about 12 years ago and my mum began to see a new partner around a year ago. My dad has since moved to Lanzarote. Her partner is not somebody that I instantly clicked with though I did try and make an effort but he had a way of saying inappropriate things at the wrong time, my mum later told me that he had Asperger's syndrome, so I was a little more forgiving after that. Anyway this was all fine last year as I was at uni and not living with them.

What is your mum’s opinion on all this?

@OhhhPeee she feels in the middle, obviously loves me but fears that he might leave and then she'd be alone in a location she's just moved to and doesn't know anyone. She basically doesn't want to choose, which I don't want her to either, I just want all of us to get on and get through this. He worries that I am now back forever, he doesn't get that I need to go back to London for my job once this lockdown is over.

I think you should considering going back to your place in London - it IS your home, you have a right to do so and you can self-isolate there for two weeks. In all fairness, people with Aspergers can have a very difficult time adjusting to changes, and you living there is putting a strain on him and on their relationship. Don't make your mum "choose" or make the decision. I know you love your mum and would like to be there, but it doesn't seem to be working out very well, unfortunately.

I'm an aspie ... can he wear headphones so he can hear his videos? A nice set of noise cancelling ones may help him. An extra person does add noise to a house and tbf id struggle with somebody else in my house especially with the use of dining table! Is there a spare bedroom you can use as an office to help keep his sofa routine as normal as possible?

I think you just need to avoid it other as much as possible. His ASD obviously makes him easily upset and he’s struggling with a change in routine. This will all be over sooner or later and you will return to London.

What concerns me more is your mum’s motivation for staying with this man. Not wanting to be alone is the worst possible reason for entering a relationship. Who owns the house? Does she pay for everything, or does he have a pension etc.? Why is she willing to overlook his homophobia towards her own son? In your situation I would be more concerned about my mum than myself.

@ohhhpeee I have tried to talk to my mum about this, she works a hard job but still runs after him, making tea for him in bed and lunch and dinner for him, otherwise he will just sit and eat crisps all day. She's a kind hearted person but it just seems all one sided.

She just seems terrified of being a alone she's 56 for context, they were together for 6 months and then they bought a house together about 50 miles from her friends and family. The house is in her name but he contributed to the mortgage(she would struggle without that support). He fixes cars/aircon so his income fluctuates but he does always contribute (so she says). I'm terrified for her situation, I tried all last year to convince her to think twice about doing this (selling the house she basically owned to take a new mortgage and move away from her friends and clubs she was part of) but she wouldn't listen. To be honest the is the longest I've stayed with her since graduating last year and the situation is worse than I thought now that I am in it.

Why is she so terrified of being alone? Suggest she seeks therapy for that. It boggles my mind that people would rather spend their lives with an abusive arsehole than stand on their own two feet! She could be alive for another 30 years!! He’s horrid and for your own mental health go back to London. If you’re stopped you say you got caught in Scotland during the lockdown and you are travelling home as you are escaping an abusive person. That is allowed and has been stated. Emergency journeys are allowed.

Is there a spare bedroom you can use as an office to help keep his sofa routine as normal as possible?

Is this a serious question??! How about he takes his lazy YouTube video-watching ass into the bedroom while the adults in the house work for a living? Aside anything else, I’m sure it’d be a great relief for the OP to have a break from the relentless crass and inappropriate sexual innuendo. Jesus Christ, talk about having priorities back to front.

OP, I’d just go home if I were you, but I would be damn sure to tell my mother on the way out the door that she could do a whole world better than this misogynistic and homophobic weirdo.

I have autism so get really angry when I see people using it as an excuse for bad behaviour. It is not Aspergers that makes him make homophobic or sexually inappropriate comments.

It is exceptionally difficult to have a stranger in your space though but he, like everyone else, needs to suck it up right now.

Why did they move 50 miles away from your mum's life?

I hope she has protected herself financially.