I need to end it don't I?

[caradelvigna]

Been dating someone for a little while (5 months). I asked him the question if he wanted kids last night. He said probably not. I'm gutted. I have one already but would like at least one more. He said he might change his mind but just doesn't know at the moment. I don't know whether to take that gamble. His feelings are entirely valid, but if that turns in to a solid no, we aren't compatible.

Thought I had finally met a good man who I could see myself settling down with. Feel like crying as I'm quite attached to him. I have that horrible shitty feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I need to end it don't I?

Yep. Here come the tears.

Well, you'd be finishing with him by phone then I'm guessing so it all seems pretty ridiculous.

I think ridiculous is a bit strong. I am in my 30s and want more kids. He probably doesn't and I don't want to waste too much time with someone who doesn't want the same things as me. How long do I wait? 18 months? 2 years? And then if the answer is the same what do I do? We've known each other 3 years prior to this so it's not like we are strangers.

I think there's a few things you need to explore OP.

• is the child thing a real deal breaker? Would you be forever unhappy without giving your DC a sibling?
• or do you feel like you can let it go for the right person that makes you and your DC happy? (I'm not saying that's him btw just things to consider)

Also no matter what you decide please do not hold any false hope over any statements about "no!..erm ...I mean..well maybe one day" when it comes to the question about DC. So if you decide to go ahead with a relationship like that please do it with your eyes wide open and with the approach they do not want children because the chances are it won't change or worse you get stuck for years with a man that keeps putting it off because he wants to do xyz first until it turns out he never intended to have DC's in the first place.

As pp have mentioned there's been plenty of relationships where people have changed their mind both ways pro/against DCs. I think you need to decide if you like this guy enough to be with him even if there's no more DC on the horizon and just see where it takes you.

I have just made a thread on the relationships board.
We are 3 years into the relationship & wish I had known and acted sooner.

Yikes calm down or you won't have to worry having scared him off!

You don’t need to ‘calm down’. He’s a grown up. He should be able to handle grown up conversations.

He doesn’t want kids. He probably won’t change his mind. You can ‘wait and see’. But if this is very important to you, I think it would be a waste of very valuable time.

Of course it's not too early to ask if someone in their 30's wants kids. There's simply no point in getting deeper into a relationship if you're not on the same page with that.

5 months seems like a while & you clearly have feelings for him, but better to walk away now than when he's an even bigger part of your life.

It's a crap time to do it & not have your friends around you/be able to go out to distract yourself, but there's no point in dragging it out & getting even more attached (which is very easy via digital connection as it's easy to be on your best').

I don't think it's ridiculous at all. You get threads where women are still waiting for the blokes to be ready for dc/marriage years later, and everyone says "why have you waited so long?!" "he said he wasn't sure, you should have made sure you were on the same page earlier!". The topic has come up, as it bloody well ought to do if you're getting serious with someone, and hes said "probably not". What's ridiculous is to waste time on Mr Probably Not when you're sure you want more dc.

I think it’s perfectly fine for you to have asked him now. As you said, you’re in your thirties so it’s pretty important to know sooner rather than later. I’d probably break up if I felt like this because I’d not want to get more invested and have this sort of deal breaker incompatibility to deal with.

Also tbh at 33 I’d have thought someone would have an idea by now if they want to be a parent or not. The ‘not right now but maybe’ thing is something I’ve seen a lot of people say happened in their relationship and it was only a way of kicking the can down the road eventually leading to a no altogether or ttc with someone who clearly wasn’t really up for it.

There are plenty of men that are still very immature at that age and can not imagine having kids.
When I was in late 20s I told my bf of the time that if I got pregnant, I couldn’t have an abortion. He was early 30s then, and said he’ll kill himself as he can’t imagine having a kid. And that kids are too much effort. And he had big career plans.
Fast forward few/many years. He grew up and is a father who loves his child.
Not with me - as it didn’t work out 😂 - but if I stuck around to wait for him to grow up - could have been with me.

I meant more 'ridiculous' in having these, obviously for you, emotive chats over the phone. Or rather something bought up 'naturally' as you call it as 'no big deal' when it clearly is for you.

I'd find finishing now, again by phone quite a step, although if your minds made up it's certainly easier than face to face.

So on the back of your phone conversation, are you wanting to end this?

Or you could have wasted your fertile years on him and then he would have gone off with someone younger to have kids.

I wouldn't be wasting time with him at your age. I was in your shoes at 30 and left the relationship feeling heartbroken... but less than a year later I met DH and now we have 2 amazing babies

Martha's I don't want to end it because I really like him. A lot. But have a horrid gut feeling that I'll end up liking him a lot more, getting deeper in to a relationship, then him saying he definitely doesn't want children. It seems like a gamble. An easy one to take if I was 24 but I'm not. It's a tough one

Have another conversation about it.

Your not being ridiculous at all op, it's a normal conversation and some people ask this at the very start to see whether they are compatible. I understand it must be so difficult deciding what to do when you really like him. Sorry your in this situation. I would probably have another conversation about it to him and just let him know it's been on your mind and that you do really like him, but your certain you want more children and therefore questioning the relationship. I wouldn't keep waiting and waiting, because it will be playing on your mind a lot and as you say, in another few months or even a year, it will be harder to end it.

I think you were smart. The whole idea about dating someone is seeing if you are on the same page.

Unfortunately you are not and better to know now before you develop too strong a feelings.

Having another child matters to you and you should plan according to the information you have been given. Which is he doesn’t want children.

Not based on a hope

Absolutely nothing wrong with asking a question regarding children at the 5 month mark. Particularly in your 30s, as it's that sort of time to think whether you're compatible long term. If you're asking to have them at five months, yes, but if you're scoping someone's thoughts over having kids, no! I don't know why people are so up in arms about it.

Anyway - least now you know. Not being sure at 33 for a guy isn't a definitely no though. My DP wasn't sure about having another (he had an eldest when we met) and 6 years later we have a 3 year old. Ball was always in his court, but said that if he didn't want them, I wasn't sure whether we would stick together long term as I wanted them. I let him think over it for a year or so and here we are.

I didn't think 5 months was too bad. I know people who have asked at 5 weeks and even then, I can't see the issue. It's just a question. Thanks for all the advice

OP I think you were right to ask. He is an adult and it's a bit insulting to men to suggest they have to be gently lulled into having kids. I asked my husband after two weeks. I knew (because of recent upsetting things) that I definitely wanted them and had he said no, I would have still dated him, but just for a bit of fun.

@caradelvigna I think there are 2 main things you need to figure out.

1 - do you want to stay in this relationship and wait to speak about it again? If so - how long do you give it before bringing it up again so that You don't waste your time?

2 - if you really like him would you be happy to be with him longterm without having more kids? Or is th dc thing a complete deal breaker?

When I was in my thirties I used to ask a man on the second date if they wanted children. They were adults and could answer yes, no or maybe. It filtered out all the ones who had had vasectomies and all the definite nos, and left me better able to decide how to continue. Have another conversation OP, a serious one, give him the chance too to consider things properly.