Back to name calling. Help me get through PLEASE.

[HGranger]

So after months of marriage counselling and a tenuous ceasefire, we are back at the name calling in front of our daughter that I had made clear was a red line for me. I'm hormonal at the moment, and probably being a pain in the bum, but I'm also feeling really poorly, with a cyst on my ovaries, suspected endometriosis, and anemia, and he clearly doesnt care.

How the hell do I get through this mess?! There seems to be no end in sight for this lockdown, and the end of this virus, and the only people I could go to, are considered vulnerable, so for the time being I'm going to have to stay put.

How can I make the situation more bearable for me and our child? He is currently using the tactic or arguing through our child, saying this like 'yes, mummy does hate daddy' and 'no mummy doesnt want anything to do with us'. He actually makes me hate myself at times, making me feel like a bad mum when I'm struggling. Currently I feel very trapped.

It’s a bit vague. He calls you names, do you call him names back? What came of/was decided from the counselling? What do you mean when you say that you’re hormonal and a ‘pain in the bum’?

@oofadoofa I have posted on here before. Things like a fucking cow, a vile human being a see your next tuesday. Just the average. I don't call him names. I may tell him he is childish for ignoring me, when I ask him questions about our daughter. But then he can be. We ended the counselling in good period when I had hoped this stopped. And when I say I'm being a pain in the bum, I mean a bit moody and sensitive.

Do not engage. If he ignores you, don’t engage. Give your daughter the space and opportunity to talk about her feelings.

Right now you are biding your time. Every time you want to respond to a provocation, write down the date and a brief description of the behaviour. When lockdown ends and it will end, read back what you have written so you do not make the mistake of staying with this toxic man baby.

Use what little energy you have on looking after your DD and getting your ducks in a row.

What? “Just the average” that’s not average! There’s nothing average about those words he uses!! Have you become so accustomed to this that you’ve normalised this vile language? You know it’s not right to be called stuff like that? Right? It’s not ok. Surely the counsellor made that clear to both of you. Is there anywhere else he can go. It’s telling that you feel trapped. Tell him the marriage is over and you want him out. He’s had his chance. Its now time to show your daughter what happens when men become bullies. They get gone.

The counsellor agreed with me that he shouldn't but that was as far as it went. I don't feel there is anyone I can go to without putting them at risk. An impossible situation

I feel for you, following as I’m in exactly the same situation at the moment with a DD4 who DH is happy to badmouth me in front of. I hope things get better for both of us.

Firstly please do not say shite like hormonal and moody it’s insulting to women, as if that’s a get out to behave poorly.
Don’t tolerate his shitty behaviour, show him the door.

@JKScot4 I'm not sure I understand your meaning. I accept I have pmt and can be less cheerful and happy when I am. Obviously not helped by being anemic and the fact I've been on my period for 2 weeks I'm not sure how that's insulting, just a fact of life. I'm not trying to condone bad behaviour I agree hormones shouldn't be used as a get out of jail free card. I don't think my behaviour is particularly bad.

I’m not saying your behaviour is but it’s demeaning women by using the ‘i’m hormonal’ excuse.

Your relationship is poor and counselling clearly hasnt helped. You need to use lockdown to think about how you separate and protect your poor DC from this nightmare.

So basically he is abusive. Calling someone a cunt is abuse. Calling these things in front of a child, is child abuse. Let's not sugar coat it.

This has nothing to do with your hormones. And why you would go to therapy in the first place with someone who thinks it's acceptable to talk to the mother of his kids like that, I dont get. Other than that he has brainwashed you into thinking his rotten behaviour is somehow a mutual thing. It isn't. He isnt sane.

Like you said 'he clearly doesnt care'. You're right. There is something missing in him. It cant be fixed. Get shot of him.

If you have both been in for a fortnight and no symptoms, you can go elsewhere. Though tbh its him that should leave.

What is the housing situation? Rent, own?

What happens if you calmly but firmly tell him not to call you names and not to talk to you and your daughter in this way?

If this doesn't work, you have two options, depending on your housing situation and options for alternative accommodation:

1. Tell him to move out.
2. Detach and go `grey rock`

In the meantime, get your ducks in a row for when lockdown ends:

Wikivorce
Read up about the divorce process
Copy financial documentation
Seek legal advice

And take care of yourself as best you can.

Grey rock is not a long term solution. It is only really useful for brief contac situations. Eg: picking up/dropping off kids. It isnt possible to live in a state of constantly pretending hurtful words arent hurtful and not reacting to anything (Especially when the sort of people you tend to be advised to go grey rock against, often live for generating reactions).

But definately get away from him, one way or another.

Go grey rock on him op firming the lockdown, use this time to get your ducks in a row, then leave once you can