Did I make a mistake?

[Jackeroosmum]

So my husband of 10 years (together 16) and I separated in February this year. I found out in October that he had had a 6/8 week long affair in 2017. He ended it and changed jobs to avoid seeing her again. Since then our marriage was great (I thought it was at the time too tbh), he was an amazing partner and dad and we were so happy. Anyway he got drunk and confessed to a friend and I saw the message. He has been going to counselling since to try and deal with childhood issues and try to change. But... This isn't the first time he has been unfaithful. He had 2 one night stands in 2013 when our son was little. At the time our marriage was a mess so I agreed to do counselling and rebuild. So this time I just couldn't move past it and asked him to leave. But I miss him so much and he is being really kind and thoughtful and I'm worried I've made a mistake. What if he does come out of his therapy having fixed whatever issues he has and I've thrown what we had away? I'm so confused.

It's your life. If you love him and can get past the cheating, which is solely your decision, do what you wish, and what you believe will make you happy.

Personally, I could not move past this, but I have known women who have stayed with serial cheaters, and went on to have outwardly happy marriages (I don't know what goes on behind closed doors).

That's the thing. I don't know much of my feelings is linked to being in lockdown and seeing no other adults other than him. But then I see how much of an effort he's making to make things as ok as possible for me and the kids and it makes me realise that he does care about me and he is remorseful. But I can forget what he did and I really don't know if I could ever trust him again 😞

Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.
He might be making an effort and lovely now but you have proof he can turn this off when he wants, I wouldn't be able to get past that at some point he'd had so little respect for his wife and family to put another woman first - then repeated that behaviour another 3 times. Therapy or not for me the damage would be done and I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life second guessing him.
Try to concentrate on your new life and all the opportunities that could bring you!

I think you need more time before you make decisions.

He hasn’t been fixed by therapy yet. You are in crisis

Take time to breath and get yourself in a strong position so that no matter what happens, you can deal with it with a level head

Thing is, they're the times you know about.

Would you be happy knowing youd got back together, but he occasionally continued to have affairs?

He may never ever cheat on you again, however, you will always have the last niggle in the back of your mind. You know, the one where he says he's going on a night out and you wonder who he's really with, the one where he says he's working late, the one when you think he's being cagey with his phone and a hundred other daily scenarios that make you feel sick to the pit of your stomach, but you'll push it down and ignore it, for a while at least. It maybe fleeting, but it will be there and it eats away at you. I tried for 3 years after my EX first affair. The anxiety was awful. For me it was worth ending the relationship after 16 years for my own MH. For what it's worth he did cheat on me again. I am happier than I ever thought I would be.

Thank you all. I needed to hear all this morning. I know it all makes sense and I think just need to keep reminding myself of why I ended our marriage. Bloody lockdown is not helping matters at all I don't think! I had all these plans to keep myself busy and surrounded by a good support network and now I'm stuck at home alone with my thoughts and memories 😞

But then I see how much of an effort he's making to make things as ok as possible for me and the kids and it makes me realise that he does care about me and he is remorseful

He's acting like that at the moment because he wants to get back with you for whatever reason- probably it serves him in some way. He doesn't care about you- not enough to not cheat on you. He's probably bored and horny too, especially what with the lockdown.

But I can forget what he did and I really don't know if I could ever trust him again

No. You can't. That's just a fact- you'd be wrong if you did.