Anyone else going crazy with the lockdown?

[TeawithCakes]

Hi,

I haven’t been happy in my marriage for quite some time now and had plans in place to move out in July. My eldest was due to sit his GCSEs in May/June but now that’s not going to happen. I’d saved up and arranged to have new en-suite, bathroom and new front door fitted in June. It has all been cancelled until they know when the lockdown is over. I was all set to tell him and then have the house ready for selling.
Kids are off school and cooped up so not an ideal situation.
I am a key worker but part of my job enables me to work from home one week on/one week off but hubby is off for 12 weeks self isolating as he is asthmatic. To say tension is running high would be an understatement! He is driving me mad. Rolls out of bed at 1030am, has a leisurely breakfast, takes the dog for a walk, makes a coffee and sits reading a magazine for an hour then makes lunch etc. There are loads of things to do in the house and he just doesn’t help! One of the reasons I know it’s over (we haven’t had a sex life for years). He is ten years older and I feel like I am living with an old fart!!!
He knows I’m working but he just doesn’t help out. I rush on a Saturday morning to get my NHS slot for shopping as he has to stay away but it is irritating me being cooped up with him. I know it is very important to stay home but this is going to make me crack up.

I do need my own space at times, especially for my mental wellbeing - especially being a key worker in the NHS.

I plan on leaving as soon as this is over but not sure how to cope until then. Anyone else in the same boat?

First off, him doing work around the house shouldn't be seen as "helping out" - it's his home too right? Who exactly is he "helping"? How have you managed to take on all the housework by yourself?

Sit him down, look him straight in the eye and say "Right. Time for you to get off your arse and do your fair share around here. In fact, as I am working and you are not, you need to be doing the lion's share right now. Do you need a list or can you figure out what needs to be done on your own?"

Good point!
He doesn’t seem to notice things that need doing...that’s the problem.

If he is on 12 week isolation he shouldn’t be walking the dog

You dont have to self isolate is your asthmatic

Depending on what medication you're on for asthma, you need to shield for 12 weeks @Gre8scott. I know because it applies to me too. Does your husband know you'd like him to do jobs with a view to selling the house and leaving him or...?

Sorry second part of that obviously to OP.

Really feel for you - Lockdown has messed up my plans too. My youngest was supposed to do GCSE’s this year so I was trying to keep everything “normal” until then, even had a family holiday booked for July. I am so worried now that I might loose my job after all this so my plans to get financially independent aren’t looking good. I’m now getting cold feet and wondering how i’d cope in this crisis if I was on my own. OH is a paramedic, very good at his job but now feel like I have to treat him like a hero - it’s shite for everyone and your hubby can def do more to support you.

If he’s shielding he shouldn’t be stepping out of his front door. He can however take his share of the work in the house, and more than you if he’s not working.

Can’t you move out now? If your child isn’t doing GCSEs then no need to wait? See if you can move up the rental? Or rent an Airbnb? You don’t have to not move. Is there anywhere else he can go?

Sounds exactly like my ex. You definitely need to speak to him and arrange your day together. Tell him what you’re not happy with, but praise him for making the lunch. Just find a way where you can be living together in harmony.

@TeawithCakes Can I ask a personal question? How did you make the decision that you wanted to leave him? It seems such a hard decision to make.

I love my DH dearly and he is so kind and caring but I honestly wonder if this whole lockdown thing is killing our relationship or am I just a selfish self-centred cow. He just takes forever to get things done! I’m in a vulnerable group so DH shopping as required but I’m generally fitter and more pro active. I’m screaming with frustration inside. Sorry, IABU but just pray we get through this without my impatience ruining things. I am keeping my gob shut. Maybe I need to get out running again but dog walks take precedence. Hope things work out for you. Life is too short for less than happiness

@midlifesomething I feel the same. I was looking at houses to rent before lockdown. Have started to question if I can go it alone...even though there is no comfort or love between us. I now think renting a house on the outskirts of where we live would be too much adjustment for the kids but I think it would be too harsh to ask my husband to leave as he has put a lot of his time and effort into renovating our house. But it would make more sense as he could stay at his mum's and the kids would be less disrupted...until we can sell the house or I buy him out. He is totally unsuspecting...Happy to plod along in our loveless marriage so I will have to be the bad guy!

I am so glad that I came across this thread, I am glad that I’m not the only one!

DH and I just aren’t getting on, it has been going on for some time now, but since the lock down this has intensified greatly. He is very much a glass half empty kind of person, whereas I am forever the optimist... we are clashing daily on everything, and his pessimistic outlook on life, and the way he speaks down to me when I don’t agree with him is really getting me down. I don’t go one day without fantasising about what it would be like to not be with him.

I sympathise with OP as I have all the household tasks to do, he literally does nothing. This is partially my own fault as it’s the standard I have set in the 11 years we have been together (married for almost 8), and I know that there would be no chance of him ever changing his ways. He is a great dad to our 2 DC, but I often wonder what sort of example we are setting for them staying as we are.

He is the bread winner through and through, and I just don’t have the confidence to make the move at the moment as I, like many others are furloughed from my part-time job and there is a great deal of uncertainty beyond that. I took this job as a life line of independence about 18 months ago... I suppose then or even much before that, I knew that our marriage was over.

Like others he isn’t suspecting that I feel this way. I am just so unhappy and I know that he must be too, but his parents exist in a loveless marriage and I think that he thinks it is normal.

It’s a long story. It’s had my thoughts going right back to when I was young tbh. I married him knowing I had a gut feeling of not being ‘in love’ with him. He is 10 years older than me. I didn’t kiss enough frogs, as they say. In fact, I hardly kissed any frogs! If anyone came near me, I’d shy away. I buried myself in my books and went to uni- now in a senior NHS role.
It was very obvious he was just a friend to me but I got caught up in it all. I was a fool, I know that now. We are very different people and he just lacked passion- we haven’t had sex in ten years and I have slept in the spare room for over a year now. Mentally, I have checked out.
He is on the lazy side. Lacks drive. He has never supported me when things got tough in my life - when I talk to him you can tell he isn’t listening (head in phone on a magazine). We have a joint account and I get very little each week whereas he goes out and buys expensive cameras. I am the bigger earner. He just doesn’t do stuff that he should especially as I’m still working and he isn’t. His boss put him in self-isolators ion die yo being asthmatic.
He knows I am unhappy but has buried his head in the sand. I have told his sister, who was supportive. It is obvious there is nothing in this relationship and I have stuck it out for the sake of two children - but, I’ve become increasingly unhappy in the process. He is like an old man. I’m sure he has turned into his dad (who we lost 2 years ago). I find him too old and very different in his views.
I don’t want to do anything with him now - go out, holidays etc. This lockdown has made things worse but, luckily, I work away a few days each month.
I must do something once the lockdown is over. We are mortgage free now (I overpaid a lot from my salary to do this) and I knew his salary wouldn’t be enough for him if I left and we bought separate houses. Another reason why I stayed.
But, I have realised that I can’t keep living a lie and being miserable for the rest of my life. My unhappiness has increased.

I think it was very unfair of you to marry someone you didn't love. However, I empathise as I did the same. I loved him as a companion but not a partner. BUT I let him go and divorced him so he could meet someone else. You need to do the same, with kindness, when the time comes.