My husband doesn't fancy me

[PurpleDaffodill]

N/C

Been together for 10 years, Married 4 years, and have two children. I've gone from a size 8 (pre kids) to a size 14. I'm 5ft 3 so I'm short and really overweight. I've lost 10lbs and still going! I have no self confidence or self esteem. Dh is 6ft and slim, very good looking and I love him so much and I still fancy him, I still get butterflies and my stomach still flips. Now I don't doubt that dh loves me, he tells me every day and just the little thoughtful things he does shows me. But I just don't feel like he finds me attractive, I've made jokes about him not fancing me any more, and he basically agreed..apart from when I wake up in the morning I suffer with anxiety to. Is it normal for it to go like this after 11years?? How to I get it back to how it was? We're both 30ish sorry for being vague, I don't want to identify myself.

I think your lack of confidence will be massively affecting things

Are there any things you can do to improve how you feel?

I put on a bit of weight when I had DS, and as soon as I started losing it I gained so much confidence and as a result my relationship improved

Or maybe just sit and have an honest chat with him?

If you're telling him he doesn't find you attractive (even in a joking manner) he's not going to want to battle it every time.

Unless he's actively acting as though he doesn't find you attractive, don't assume that he is.

It sounds like you are insecure with yourself and have low self esteem. Why would this gorgeous, slim, man be so in love with you if he didn't find you attractive?

Stop being so harsh on yourself. Keep going with the weight loss for you but don't think you're going to find happiness in a size 8 pair of jeans.

Confidence is sexy. What do you need to do to feel confident again? Do you workout? Right now there are loads of online HIT and yoga workouts. Are you eating lots of bread, crisps, biscuits? Simple diet changes and a couple of online workouts everyday. Do it for a month. Every day. Bet you’d feel loads better about yourself

As hard as it is, insecurity is a turn off, if you're regularly joking he doesn't fancy you that in itself isn't sexy. 10lb off is great, do you feel more confident? Own your body, dress for it, the more you learn to love your body, the more he will. But I know that's easier said than done...but first and foremost, stop knocking yourself in front of him!

It’s normal for some of the attraction - the newness of the early days excitement to go as time progresses.
It is also possible that years of household chores and child rearing changed the way he sees you - more as a mother/wife than a lover.
And, of course, weight gain doesn’t help, as well as low confidence.

You are on a right track, it seems - getting the weight off should help you start gaining some of the confidence back. In addition - and I don’t know how your life is structured - but you should try to get a bit of your own life going - separate from being a mother and a cook. Friends? Hobbies? (After the pandemic, obv)
The more he sees glimpses of the you he met and fell for - the easier it will be for the attraction to come back.
He clearly loves you. And the physical side it seems fell by the sideways as life got in the way. But it can be back

I do go to the gym well before this pandemic, I also do yoga at home, I have hobbies I like reading and seeing my friends and all that. I do feel better for losing this weight so far but I still have at least 2.5/3 stone to go before I'm 'healthy'
I am quite insecure but I don't know how to change that. It's also not that I want to get into size 8's again because I'd just be happy at a toned size 12. I don't know how to get that attraction back.. it may just be me overthinking it.. I want him to find me sexy and attractive, but I just don't feel it. I just can't wait for all this social distancing to be over so i can get back at the gym and concentrate on my body and boosting my self confidence.

I do think you are overthinking a bit.
And also - without your thinking/feeling you are attractive - it’s rare that other people would.
Have you always been insecure? Can you remember when you might not have been - or been less? Try to figure out what was different then?

As continuing your journey of weight loss... no reason why a lock down needs to stop it.
Look at what you eat and try to make changes - to make it healthier, and lower calories, maybe lower carbs, possibly?
Also - do some sort of exercise every day, even half hour... YouTube is full of free videos you can use for that - Joe Wicks, etc...

Those early childcare years can be like this for a lot of marriages, especially for SAHMs.

I strongly believe that you should not rely on your husband to ‘fix’ your lack of self-esteem.

Have you thought about volunteering for the NHS or your local community? Or do something that will help you get back into work when all this is over?

IMO, it’s not healthy to base your self-esteem on your sexual attractiveness. You are more than that. What are your skills, talents, achievements, qualities, value to friends, family and wider society?

Find your online gym tribe. It’s sexy watching somebody workout. Find an interactive/live gym group. It doesn’t just have to be yoga and that’s not going to shift the 2.5stone. It’s great but think about HIT/cardio and weight bearing. Search for TRIBE and underground gym. Search for “live gym” and the name of your area. David Lloyd are doing live online gym workouts and it’s like being in the gym. Get stuck in and by the end of this lockdown you’ll be well on your way

It sounds like the issue is that you don't think you're attractive and you're insecure about it.

You're obviously on the right path with the weight loss etc but try doing things to boost your mood. Exercise and sport really helps and even in lockdown you can really do a lot.

While the saying "you can't outrun a bad diet" is true, there's no bigger rush than seeing yourself get stronger and fitter, it will do wonders for your self esteem in a way that just dieting losing weight won't.

What did he say when he ' basically agreed with you' about not finding you attractive?

I'm sure he fancies you no matter your size. The sexiness thing is different though. Do you know what it is he finds sexy? Like a certain way of dressing or doing your hair? I go a bit weak at the knees for men in overalls/workmen types so I bet he has something that does it for him

You already know the answer! You just don’t want it to be that. Lose the weight, you will start to feel sexier and then... voila.

Don’t look for a way to get off the diet, just plod on. Day by day.

Yes you are overthinking this. There's no evidence from what you say that your DH doesn't "fancy" you. If he is sensible - and your description of him suggests he is - he will realise that his DW is not going to look the same at 41 or 51 as she did at 21. And he will also realise that attraction isn't all about looks, in fact it is mostly about other things. You are allowing your insecurities to get the better of you and I think you shoud stop joking about whether he fancies you - he probably finds it annoying and continual repetition of this suggestion could undermine your relationship.

@PurpleDaffodill i think you need to do this fake it till you make it thing. One of my best friends is sexy at any weight, so went from a size 8 to an 18 over the years, now back to a 14 but she just has it! I would make a concerted effort not to vocalise those insecurities and try and fake it! Agree with other posters, try online workouts. I do a 15min hit workout with Emi Wong and it sets me up for the day. I also try and eat a bit cleaner and drink loads of water and little steps help you feel better. My ex was extremely handsome, six pack etc and I nabbed him. Confidence is attractive!

Don't get sexy - get confidence ! It will ooze out of you and get you noticed.
What did you used to do that you don't do now ?
Do you dress nicely and make an effort with your hair/ make up/ nails ? How about your favourite perfume ? If you used to do all that and it gave you confidence,then try doing it again.
It's not about making someone fancy you , it's about making yourself believe in you .

@WreckTangle95 he made a comment about me when I had just woken up, and I said oh so you only fancy me in the morning when I've just woken up then, and he just said yeah.

@Stuckandsadintheupsidedown I know what you mean. DH works in a garage and comes home in his overalls all dirty and smelly and I love it😂he likes big peachy bums which I do not have!

@MMmomDD I have always been insecure, I didn't have a very good childhood, I grew up with an emotional, physically and verbally abusive father so I think that's had a lasting effect.

I'm not a SAHM, I work evenings, my youngest child is 4, due to start school soon. So I go to the gym and do stuff usually during the day. My eldest is 9, & has additional needs so it's not as easy to do it from home at the moment with them both here. I have recently bought new perfumes, and earrings so I am trying to make more effort with myself to boost my confidence and I spend more time doing my hair and makeup. It's just me being daft I suppose.

Your issue isn’t your H, it’s your poor self image and it isn’t fair to make your H complicit in your self loathing.

You don’t need a gym, there are tons of free workouts on YouTube.

@Eesha - love your comment about your friend being sexy at any weight. Why? I bet it's because of the thoughts she has about herself. Fantastic.

@PurpleDaffodill you say you have "no self confidence or no self esteem". This is where you need to start. You need to start changing the thought you have about yourself. With thoughts like this I bet you will feel like you lack self confidence and self esteem whatever your weight. (remember there are many skinny people out there who lack self esteem and self confidence too).

So here's a tip to get you going. Observe yourself. When you think "I have no self confidence or self esteem" how does that make you feel? Pretty crummy, I guess.

So decide how you want to feel. It sounds as though you are taking a lot of forward momentum - weight loss, gym, doing your hair - so perhaps you instead want to feel determined? Ask yourself what you would need to think to feel determined? How about "I am committed to my fitness goals"

This isn't a case of just 'positive thinking' but choosing what you want to think in a deliberate way.

It's a small, but significant, change that I hope will bring tremendous benefits. DM me if you'd like more tips (I have loads; have been working on this stuff for ages)... and good luck!

@annacharles111 i think it's because she just carries herself with a strut/pout, always has a bit of make-up, always has a strong brave face on.

PurpleDaffodill it sounds like he fancies you when completely natural so I wouldn't put much stock in that comment. Not to mention he could've been half asleep and not processed what you'd said that much.