How to maintain boundaries when you are a people pleaser?

[2blond34]

I have people pleasing tendancies which stem from my childhood. Most of the time this doesn't cause me a problem as I'm aware of it and can pull back when I notice it happening. But, I have a 'friend', who has had quite a tough few years with health and relationship issues, and to be honest i feel quite sorry for her and so try to be nice. But I've noticed over the past year or so that the friendship has become unbalanced and its always me helping out her and never vice versa. I've started to say no to her occasionally when she asks for favours, but when I do, I often end up feeling bad and relenting.

For example, yesterday she sent me a message asking me to Skype so she could chat about something related to her work that I'm an expert in. I was feeling a bit ropey (not Covid related) and couldn't face skype so asked her to email me the questions, which she didn't. Today, I have this guilty feeling hanging over me that I should have just given her a bit of my time, and that now she is probably pissed off with me.

How do I get over these feelings? I guess some counselling is the answer but in the short term, how can i say no to someone and then just let it go and not feel guilty?

You didn't refuse to help. You offered but put your own boundaries in place. If she doesn't take you up on that, it's up to her but you're allowed to have your own boundaries.

Practise will stop you from feeling guilty and also repeating to yourself that you're allowed to say no.

Some people will accept your boundaries and some people will be pissed off that you're not as available to them as you once were.

That doesn't mean you're in the wrong.

Hey. Try to be okay with the uncomfortable feeling of maintaining your boundaries. Tough but necessary.

Also read The Art of Selfishness. Covers these points plus When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

OP you cannot maintain boundaries and be a people pleaser at the same time for the simple reason that some people will not be pleased with your boundaries. And you know what? - That's their problem!

You offered to help in a different way - she hasn't taken you up on it. That's her choice, you weren't in the wrong at all.

I think as per pp, you have to learn to be ok with uncomfortable feelings, sit with them and work through them. Basically name the feelings:"Oh I'm having an anxious response to having set a boundary with Friend", "I'm afraid they're going to not like me anymore" etc etc and work through to "if Friend is really going to be shitty that I wouldn't Skype right then, but was still willing to help, are they really a friend I would want or need?".

Having boundaries with people will sometimes lose you people, but those are the people you are better off trimming.

You put your boundary in place - well done OP.

If she doesn't like it, her reaction is hers to own. Not yours.

You are in charge of your part. She is in charge of hers.

I need this thread! Having been walked all over in relationships I am pretty much discounting ever being in one again because I don't trust myself to know the difference between being nice, kind, loving, and being a mug.
Sorry to jump in but what you say is so relevant to me too.

You're going to have to learn to live with uncomfortable feelings.

This friendship is imbalanced and it sounds as though she's using you. If you weren't feeling well, how come she didn't ask how you were and if there was anything she could do to help? - you know, like a friend.

Sit back and let her make the next move. She asked for help, you offered to help but in a different way, she hasn't taken you up on the help. That's her problem. It's also your prerogative not to help for any reason at all. Can't be bothered is fine.

Change is uncomfortable OP, you're doing to have to deal with uncomfortable feelings if you want to change. If you don't want to, then contact her, apologise profusely for not jumping as high as she wanted and allow her to continue to use you.

Just reflect on this: do you go off people who assert their boundaries or do you respect them for it? Do you think people who let you walk all over them are nice or do you see them as doormats?

I echo other posters. The trick with this is learning to tolerate your own feelings and realize that they are temporary and not a sign that you have done anything wrong. Basically it means gently arguing with your feelings... "yeah it's normal to feel weird when you are changing the way you respond. Yeah the human brain hates change... habits are hard to break... but I'm going to push through the discomfort and keep at it" etc. etc.

You will lose friends when you start to say no. You do sort of need to accept that out the outset. It's very easy being friends with someone who never says no and has no needs - it's harder to be friends with someone who knows their own mind and doesn't always comply - that's literally why people try to please, they don't want to lose friends.

So you do need to start having some frank chats with yourself about the reality of stopping this kind of behaviour. If you don't, you'll lose your nerve and keep pleasing away.

The two are mutually exclusive. The very definition of a people pleaser is someone who puts others' needs before their own to the extent that their boundaries are continually violated.

You could try counselling.

A couple of things you can try -

1. Techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy where you write down and analyse strong emotions. When I did it years ago I found it very helpful for repetitive unwanted thoughts. You can find the template online. Here, I'd do the analysis on the discomfort you felt and also the positive feeling that you had when you asserted the boundary.

1. Fake it til you make it. Today, you are acting the part of a confident person with boundaries. Stay in character. Accept that it doesn't feel like you, but carry on regardless.

Its a question of practice, practice, practice- like any skill.

Thanks for all the comments, really useful. I still haven't heard from friend but I'm resisting the (strong) urge to contact her.

You start by thinking of all the things that person does for you.
I used to buy clothing for my niece and nephew, I had no children. Then realised I never got anything back in gifts even from poundshop.
Realised they don't care or notice I stopped buying, I was doing it for me.

I know how you feel OP. I’m always getting stitched up a kipper through being a people pleaser and someone who doesn’t like to rock boats.

Another one here , it took years for me to realise that this is what I am and I am in the process of saying no more often now
It has helped to identify those people that are around me that take advantage and those that dont push their luck

Sit tight and say no and remember to do some things for yourself

Did she maybe not email you because you said you were feeling ropey and so she didn't want to bother you with her work stuff?

Mlou32 maybe, and months ago I would have considered it as a possibility but based on previous experiences I doubt it. Also, as a common courtesy, wouldn't you reply and say something like 'oh i don't want to bother you if you're not feeling great, I'll do x instead', rather than just go silent?

Or even "I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?"

I echo other posters. The trick with this is learning to tolerate your own feelings and realize that they are temporary and not a sign that you have done anything wrong. Basically it means gently arguing with your feelings... "yeah it's normal to feel weird when you are changing the way you respond. Yeah the human brain hates change... habits are hard to break... but I'm going to push through the discomfort and keep at it" etc. etc.

This, exactly. Imagine it as being like a weight-loss diet or the start of a new exercise regime when you've been medically advised these are necessary. You learn to deal with feelings of hunger, and that they are not bad, and to run through the discomfort of getting up early on a rainy morning for a jog. In both cases, as in learning to maintain your boundaries, these are 'good' types of discomfort.

You are also imagining that your friend is you, and a people-pleaser -- in her shoes if you asked someone to do something and they said they didn't feel well enough and suggested a modified version, you would probably reply immediately falling over yourself to apologise for having asked in the first place and enquiring about her health. But she isn't you, and now you are imagining that she'd displeased with you and considering going ahead with the Skype call, even though you don't want to, to make her pleased with you again.

This is a mug's game, OP. And frankly, it's much better for your friendship if you don't roll over all the time, otherwise you risk becoming a semi-inivsible useful resource, rather than someone with her own life and problems.

The fact that she hasn't even bothered to reply to your message that you're ill and your nice offer to answer questions via email suggests she already sees you as a just a useful resource, rather than a friend with her own life, feelings, health problems, or even someone who deserves a reply.

Definitely don't chase her up with renewed offers of help.

She probably knows you'll chase her and is waiting. But don't. You know it's not the right (healthy) thing to do.

Can you have a few sessions with a psychotherapist? These people pleasing feelings almost certainly stem from your childhood and they would help you go back there and unlock it, which helps to release you and free you from it, otherwise you'll be like that forever! And apart from the fact you deserve better than that; so does anyone you love with like your spouse and children, for if you're a people pleaser that will eventually impact on them too.

Interesting post which gave me food for thought.

I would get pushed into things by friends and family who were more confident and sure of themselves. They rarely stepped in for me.

I have noticed a pattern of me appeasing others to my own detriment; accommodating family when siblings found weak excuses not to, loaning money to people who regularly socialise, buy clothes etc. It has made me a bitter and resentful individual who constantly feels burdened.

Last year a friend asked a favour which would have been ongoing and put me out in a number of ways. I discussed with my dh and decided to say no. She has since gone slightly cold on me and I have accepted this.

mine stems from childhood , a sibling rivalry, a mother that could turn on a sixpence from anger to reasonable unable to show love and a father that even in his last days couldnt say I love you

I always find myself the one that draws a line in the sand and attempts reconciliation

I have spent a lifetime seeking validation , promising the earth in order for a quick fix which often turns out in either over commitment or a letdown

Its only recently that I have recognised this and started to address it

I used to be like this and I still to a certain extent help people even when it uses too much of my time and resources but what I've stopped doing is going out of my way for people who take advantage or who won't do the same for me or aren't appreciative. I will still help them when convenient but won't put myself out for them. Also, you've not refused to help her, you've just asked her to make it easier for you to help her. She's obviously not bothered enough to do so.