Alcoholic H

[Wombatstew]

I know this is not AIBU but am I?

DS is an alcoholic who has been drinking since midday everyday since we have been social distancing. DS is 8 and asked to drink out of H's beer can today (3pm), he fills it up with water when he has finished it and it still has lots of beer taste. I asked him to make sure it was thoroughly rinsed out. DS then becomes a bit silly and I asked him if I could try the beer to see if I could taste it at all. I could and it seemed a little strong to me. This caused an arguement as apparently I suck all the fun out of everything, and I'm a cunt. All in front of DC.

AIBU? I dont want Dc to think that drinking during the day everyday is OK,

I know I need to get my ducks in a row but dont know where to start.

No way would I let my child role play drinking beer out of a beer bottle.

This is a v difficult time to get out of a relationship, but not impossible. Would make plans to do that.

You obviously need out asap. Do you own or rent, are you married, who earns what?

You are not at all unreasonable for wanting out. Life with an addict is awful.

In terms of ducks you need to make sure you have yours and the DCs' passports and birth certificates, copies of the house deeds, copies of recent bank statements (any and all, he mustn't be able to hide money), pension information. Take photos on your phone if you can't get hold of paper copies.

You can start looking for solicitors' details too.

And last but very much not least, get some support for yourself. It'll have to be online, but Al-Anon and other similar organisations will be running online sessions for you.

Good luck!

I feel such an idiot, this has been going on for some time. He usually works late shift so we only really see him on weekends so it hasn't been too bad.
I feel I have no voice, as soon as I disagree with him or have a differing opinion he shuts me down telling me I am banging on about it effectively shutting me down.
I don't understand how he thinks it's ok? Last week I was feeling really unwell and went and sat with him in the garden an told him I was feeling unwell and not to have any more to drink in case he had to drive me to the hospital and within 5 mins he had stormed off inside leaving me alone. Then he just acts as if it never happens, never says sorry. Them he wants sex. I have no feelings left for him at all.
The only thing keeping me here is DS. if I leave him (H) in the house I think I will never get back in.

We both own the house, he is the main wage earner and I work part time casual, neither of us working at the moment due to CV.

Your DS in himself is no reason at all to stay with such a man, he is taking in what is happening around him here and this is no life for him either.

I would consider what pointythings has written here and get support for your own self from Al-anon and from a Solicitor with a view to divorce.

Wombat he doesn't see because he is addicted. Alcohol is the prime mover in his life. It is his priority above everything else. Once you get that into your head, it makes sense.

And all you can do is protect your DS and yourself from his addiction by leaving. It isn't just alcoholics who have a rock bottom - it's their family too. You've hit yours - take strength from it and use it to get out. It will be hard, but life without your addict in it is so much better - take it from one who's been there.

I'm the child of an alcoholic. Your son will not be thriving in this awful situation where daily overconsumption of alcohol is presented as normal and acceptable by your DH, and where undertones of your stress and despair and your husbands blatant disrespect of you create simmering hatred and tension. I'm still damaged by similar 40+ years later. I wish my Mum had left. Protect your son and yourself please.

Thank you everyone I am taking this on board, I know I have to leave and make plans. I think I will feel better accepting this is the way to go and finding out via a solicitor what I can do. I will also contact Al Anon. To be honest this is a long time coming there has been lots of occasion s where he has let me down emotionally over the last few years that's chipped away at the marriage until there is nothing left.
Does anyone have any idea at what stage the house is sold? Many thanks again for the support

Good luck Wombatstew.
Sorry I can't help re how long it takes for the house to be sold.

I left my h last year and it has taken a while to get the house sold. If you both own it you can just agree it needs to be sold and then get it on the market. My ex tried to stay in the house by buying me out for a pittance so we agreed via mediation to put it on the market. We now need to agree shares of the equity. If you know you want to divorce and he refuses to sell the house the courts can order it to be sold further down the line. Divorce can all be done online now via gov.uk which makes it easier. You will be fine but there will be some challenges ahead. Please build a better life for your DS.

I would echo everyone's comments on how damaging it is for a child to live with an alcoholic parent.

Are you in England? Generally house is sold when agreement is reached on what will happen with finances.
You could start to plan finances by estimating house value, mortgage value, any pensions, savings. Then work out your earnings,CMS calculations and any benefit entitlements. Once you can see how you will manage financially you will be able to move forward. It always feels impossible to separate a household but there is always a way.

I w

UABU to even feel you need to ask to have this clarified. My toddler son started to play with and roll around his dad's empty 2L plastic cider bottles. He was binned by age 3, I didn't need ask if this life was wrong. His dad is dead now ALD, sooner the better to get out of this situation. Best thing I ever did.

YABU

If you order paint etc online from B&Q you can pick it up from the store - the store itself is shut but operates click and collect at the moment.

Why not make the most of this time by getting the house ready for sale? You don't have to tell him that's what you're doing - you could say you're keeping busy. You know that once you mention divorce he will put up every barrier.

No way would most people let a child mimic drinking.

And he shouldn't be calling you a cunt.

Please leave. xxx

You have done well to know that you are at your rock bottom. You need to do lots of reading about the effects of an alcoholic parent on children - because your job now is to work v hard to proactively heal those emotional injuries unless you want a child with significant behavioural problems and in due course chronic MH problems.

Your main motivation should be to get your child to safety - which is a calm and peaceful home where you can give him your undivided attention. Not a home dominated and polluted by the at best the emotionally disconnected alcoholic Dad and at worst the moody, aggressive and abusive alcoholic.

Your DS witnessing domestic abuse is deemed him experiencing child abuse by NSPCC.

Do some journaling and list out all of the incidents you have endured over the years and how these made you feel. You need to see the totality to see the scale and extent to keep you in reality and out of denial.

Get loads of support on line through Al Anon. Get all your divorce stuff researched and actioned before you tell him.

Wombatstew
How have you / things been ?
I'm conscious that this lockdown is so hard for people in difficult home situations.
I hope you are getting support in real life.