Pregnant with second child

[Aug2020]

I can’t cope with the sadness and guilt, I cry every day at least once a day. I know hormones and isolation are not helping as I’ve not got the usual life distractions.

I’m 23 weeks pregnant, a healthy pregnancy as far as I know. A baby girl.

My son is 2 years old and the best thing in my life. I love him more than I ever thought possible. This feels like a betrayal. I just want it to be me and him as it is now, I don’t want him to have to share me. He deserves better than that. He’s very attached to me and I don’t think he will take to having a sibling well.

My husband has been supportive but is now getting frustrated with me and sick of the same old worries, tears all the time, he believes everything will be ok. He’s so happy about the pregnancy.

Believe it or not this was planned, I want two children eventually. It happened sooner than expected as we had trouble conceiving first time around.

I feel I don’t want to be pregnant. I wouldn’t terminate though, not under these circumstances. We are in a position to support a second child.

I know there are many women who would give anything to be in my position. I know there are many people with worse worries than me, especially at a time like this. I just can’t stop the tears and the anxiety and guilt.

Midwife said it’s hormones and reassured me that her two sons get on amazingly. GP said I can have medication but would need to weigh the risks to baby, I don’t want medication, so she just said I MUST start to enjoy my pregnancy.

This is mum guilt at its finest, you’re beating yourself up for absolutely no reason and I say this whilst 31 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old dd.

Don’t get me wrong, I have days when I feel bad that I don’t have the energy to play with DD, when I worry how i’ll cope with two, when I worry about all sorts but the sole reason I’m having a second child is for the positives it will bring to DD’s life:

She will have someone to play with
She will have a friend for life
A younger sibling will mean she needs to learn to share (she is good already tbf)
It will teach her patience as she will need to learn to wait for things
She will have someone to help watch her back when they are older
And this is personally my biggest reason, she won’t be all on her own when me and her father do eventually pass.

I’ve got a big family and the only reason I coped when my father died was because me and my siblings had each other for support.

You really need to try and stop focusing on the negative aspects and think about the positives a sibling will bring to your sons life. Be kind to yourself, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

Nowhere near as extreme, but I cried and cried the day before I went in for my c section - I thought I’d be letting my dd down and that things would never be the same. It’s an adjustment, but 1 year later I can see how DS has enhanced her(our) life beyond compare. Try and think of the future - and how they will play and learn from each other as they grow. Your emotions show how much you love your ds - and what a great mum you are. My ds is 1 year old now, and I love them both the same. I needed time to adjust and learn his character and how our new family life would work - but it’s truly great!!

My DS was 2.5 when his younger sister was born. Like your son, he was extremely attached to me (for example, he got terribly upset if I interacted with other children at baby group, and didn't even like it when I hugged DH!) and I was concerned how he would react. To my surprise, he was absolutely brilliant and loved his sister from day 1.

Ten years (and another brother) later, I am upstairs listening to them all happily playing together and it is honestly the best thing about being their parent. They love each other so much and enrich each others lives in ways I couldn't have imagined.

Don’t think of it as taking away something from your son rather than he’s gaining the gift of a sibling, another person in his life who will love him. It’s hard to think that you’ll ever love another child the way you do your first but your love doesn’t split it just doubles.

Ah i relate to this thread terribly. Add in that my 21 month old is still breastfed and sleeps in the bed so I know that will have to stop too. I often look at him and want to cry as it feels like such a betrayal.

But I KNOW siblings are great because I loved growing up with them (even if we don’t get on so well at the moment...) and because if he was my only one I would be one of those insane mothers who obsess and obsess and that’s not healthy for either of us!

Omg I feel the same!! 28 weeks here & my sons 15 months, I cried all afternoon whilst we played because I don’t know how il invest as much time into him as I do now. He’s my world. DH isn’t getting it really, as baby was planned, he’s bit tired of the hormones I think.
I know itl all be okay, worse things in the world right now. Thanks for sharing as I wa feeling a bit mad xx

I felt like that as well, like I was ruining my toddlers life and things would never be the same again, and thought it would be heartbreaking that she wouldnt understand why. I cried when she was brought in to see us in the hospital as I felt so awful about inflicting a newborn on her.

But somehow it all works out ok. What your brain is forgetting is that you will love the new baby as much as you love the first. And they will likely love their sibling. And that when a toddler and a newborn are crying for attention, its actually much harder to ignore a toddler and in a few months you will probably be worrying that your newborn isnt getting the attention you think she deserves because your toddler demands it.

I've never heard anyone say their life was ruined because their mum gave birth to another child after them.

The toddler who I was worried about how she would cope with a new baby is now a 4 year old begging for another sibling (no chance!) And often when we have chance for some quality time together (eg an inset day at school when her sibling is still in nursery) she will ask to go and pick her up early as she misses her.

Kids get used to new dynamics really quickly and seem to find it easier the younger they are.

I dont think you need to 'enjoy the pregnancy', in my opinion pregnancy is shit and even more so when you have a toddler and simultaneously feel tired out by them and guilty that you can't do quite as much with them as you used to. But you do need to try and stop focusing on the bad ways this is going to affect your son and focus on the good. You don't want to look back on this time and realise you spent the whole time being miserable when you could have been having fun with your son and enjoying the last few months as a family of 3. Could you do some CBT or something to try and alter your mindset around it all?

Thank you for all your kind reassuring messages. Sorry I haven’t got back sooner, busy juggling work from home and childcare at the moment.

Having a low day today. I have to take my son with me to my midwife appointment next week and I feel like I don’t want him to know I’m having another baby, I can’t handle the feeling of betraying the most important person in the world to me (sorry DH!)

As well as the worry about new baby, it’s also a massive reminder to me that my DS is growing up so fast, I can’t handle it. Feels like I’ll blink and he won’t need me anymore. Hopefully a lot of this is pregnancy hormones but it still feels so so painful.

I’ll re-read your words when I need to. I’m sorry for not replying to you all separately but it means so much that you took the time to reply. I’ve not tried CBT I might google it now for some further info.

Oh my goodness, I could have literally written this 6 months ago before my second daughter was born. I was at the point where I thought I’d developed depression as I just could shake the guilt. I desperately didn’t want our new baby as I just couldn’t cope with the guilt of everything changing for our first who was 2.5 years old at the time. It was so bad I was convinced I wouldn’t like or bond with the baby and as I didn’t have an Instant connection with our first (as the birth was horribly traumatic and I was bleeding excessively-although loved my bump to bits!) I assumed as I hated my pregnancy and was terrified of the change that I wouldn’t connect. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I pleaded for a c section (which I was right to as she was 11lbs!) and omg from the moment I saw her I knew everything would be ok. My eldest daughter has had moments (maybe 2 moments) of slight jealousy- but every day they are growing closer and it’s been wonderful for her. Let yourself feel what you feel now, chat on here or to other mums irl, but you may feel very differently when baby comes. I truly feel your pain though xxx