I've just told DH it's over

[Stegasaurusmum]

Just that really, months to get here, I've told him several times that there's nothing left for me but we tried counselling... Not making a difference. 13 years married this year and 18 years together. 2 kids, 5 and 10.
It's lots of things but mainly I don't think we had a full on attraction to begin with, we were friends really.. Sexual chemistry wasn't there massively. Then just loads of tiny resentments, him not supporting me, I didn't really tell him properly how I felt.. Then I started to have feelings for someone else..
So I told him last night, it was horrible, but today slightly better. I feel awful but more the loss of what we could have had, the friendship etc.. Hurting him, which I know I've done. But I'd continue to hurt him if we stayed together.
Of course currently this is the worst time. We've agreed to keep going to couples counselling to figure things out. Hes a broken man currently but he's buried his head for years, for months I've been telling him I'm not happy but I guess he's finally realised it.

Dunno what I want. Reassuring words, that it'll be OK, that we can both survive bring stuck in the house together without losing it I guess... That I'm doing the right thing, even though I'm doubting myself now when I see how sad he is.

I could have wrote some of your post. Iv been with my dh 20 years I’m only 36 and we have 3 children. I’m bored stiff no sex can’t face it. He always brushes things under the carpet. Iv tried to end it many times but he ends up crying then the kids might need a drink then we carry on.
Good luck in your new chapter xx

Could have written some of it too. Scared of being alone but once I get finances sorted I have to get out of here otherwise I'm going to spend the rest of my life unhappy.

Good luck. I don't know what it will be like for you in lockdown but I hope it works out ok. Do you have to share a bed or is there a spare room?

@Stegasaurusmum well done. You've been wanting this for a long time and like me so it sounds like it would be helpful to do something to pull you back from doubting when that inevitably happens. You don't want to continue that with going backwards and forwards on this decision as you have been unhappy for ages. You must be exhausted at the constant stress of the situation. I have written a list of all the things that have been bothering me about DP - the irritations, the fundamental problems, the unacceptable behaviours, the negative impacts on my life. It helps to look back at this in the moments when guilt or the task in hand is so overwhelming. Over a period of 3 weeks of adding to this, the list is enormous. And when I look back at it it reminds me I am definitely doing the right thing - without question. Even when I look back at photos on my phone of big events like holidays or weddings, I know that during that event there were big issues that weren't right for me - being slightly bullied and rushed, being embarrassed that he looked a state, him being moody or upset and so on. It might be worth starting the list yourself? In fact when I tell good friends the news that I have decided to split, they are not surprised. That tells me something.

Thanks all. Yes it's a relief.
@marly11 yes I will do that I think. Its not do much about him, more about me and my feelings for him, which haven't properly been there for a very long time.
Thing is he's doing loads to change now, which is good in some ways but I know is going yo make me doubt my decision a lot.
We have separate bedrooms, have for a few weeks. We had a civil talk last night, he's at work this week, so we have agreed to give each other space during the times he's working from home and I am too, plus we can both go out for exercise at different times in the evenings,
I was so scared of telling him, but once that initial 24 hrs was over, it was OK.

Oh @Stegasaurusmum I remember reading your posts on the support thread, and of all the stories on there yours was the one that resonated the most.
You’ve done the right thing in telling him how you feel and I hope it continues to be as amicable as possible.
Please do keep us updated on how you’re getting on and know that there’s lots of support for you here should you need it

Thanks. I feel odd. It's strangely calm here, we are both being really nice to each other, normal really. Then I doubt myself, think we'll this is OK, can do this indefinitely.. But I can't. I'm in love with someone else and the thought of bring with DH just amicably getting along for the next 30 or 40 years is so depressing. Its so hard, he keeps asking what he can do, but there's nothing, it's me with the feelings and now they've changed I don't think there's any way they can change back.
I hope things do stay amicable... He spoke to the counsellor on his own last night and sounded like he talked constantly for an hour (one thing I've noticed is his voice drives me mad, it's so loud, even though he was in another room)
That's one of the thing, we never talk, ever, he's animated and chatty when he's with others, not with me.
I saw he was buying stuff online last night and hiding it... No idea what he's up to.
We will have to talk about all the financial stuff, I keep thinking once we've done that it'll get a bit more real, maybe I'll change my mind... Thing is, losing the house, having to uproot the kids, all that is what's kept me here till now. I always thought I was trapped because wjmhat I'd lose was more that what I'd gain. But it does feel like even if I'm on my own I could manage and actually enjoy it, not living a lie every day.
Just this oody lock down... No idea how long it's going to continue...

If you feel what you feel consistently then you are probably doing the right thing for you both.

If you've given the relationship every chance, tried to work on things and communicate clearly and understand that 'the grass is (generally) greener where you water it', but still know in your heart that it will not work out then stick with your decision.

Does he know that you're in love with someone else? Be careful that this is not a distraction - it's easy to get caught up in fantasies about others to distract from the mundane humdrum that often accompanies longer term relationships.

You can't easily manufacture feelings - although you often can tap back into those you once held. But if they weren't there strongly enough in the first place that's maybe not enough. There has to be a desire to work on a relationship...if you can't summon that then it sounds like you are doing the right thing.

Be as honest with him as you can, he deserves that, and to not be made a fool of if you have plans to hook up with this other person.

What’s the in love with someone else looking like? It it an ongoing affair or just a feeling?

Sometimes this can really cloud judgements