Can’t handle my dh drinking alcohol

[Abcghi]

Ever since we have been married dh is absolutely drunk whenever he has drank. It’s never just a couple. I have a lot of resentment and issues with him regarding alcohol as whenever it was family time, when kids were babies, the night before a special occasion etc it was always a regular occurrence for him to be drunk with other people family or friends... which meant I would be alone/struggling with the baby/having no sleep due to him snoaring... or cleaning up vomit

It came to a point where I wanted to leave him because he started drinking on a weekly basis which then turned to twice a week and then in addition drinks infront of the tv at home. Whenever he has drank a few times in a row it’s like his personality is very angry, aggressive, argumentative. I made it clear leave or stop drinking. He stopped.
Fast forward another baby and 18 months later, today a family member who has already had cv invited him over for a drink. The kids are asleep and we planned to watch a film, instead he just agreed on the phone to go. I got annoyed because firstly it’s a lockdown, secondly we haven’t spent time together much with the kids being home and they were asleep so I thought we made plans to watch a movie so I feel pretty rejected. I think I have a low of issues which have built up from the past of rejection- drinking with other people is always worth making things more difficult for me. I thought he got it that when he drinks his personality changes and therefore I just can’t handle him drinking anymore, I don’t want it around me. I made it clear we go our own ways or stop drinking. He started blowing up saying I’m not going to be the person you want to me and mentioning divorce.

I don’t know who’s the unreasonable one here. Me... or him for proving once again our relationship is always crappy when it’s to do with alcohol. He’s caused for me to be so touchy when it is to do with drink himself. I can’t get over the past, but mostly because it always happen! Drunk, snoaring, sometimes vomiting, tired the next day.. and me too for the disruption and lack of sleep

He’s literally just walked out of the house, what seems to be for a walk now, no bye just gone whilst I was writing the message above. I don’t understand, I woulsnt just leave without without telling him I’m off out incase the kids wake up etc and he thinks I’m around. So irresponsible?

He sounds horrible tbh

Sounds like an alcholic

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What you have tried to date has not worked and you are basically going from one crisis to another. Life is never stable in a home where alcohol problems feature all too heavily.

I would seek legal advice ASAP and commence divorce proceedings . Neither your children nor you need or warrant a drunkard for a parent and husband respectively in your lives.

Why did you ever take it upon yourself to at all clear up after him and his vomit?. That never did you any favours either and such enabling only gave you a false sense of control. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are fully apart.

The clearing up vomit was really because I needed to use the toilet and use the bathroom.

I’ve said a few times leave and he doesn’t leave and then it just goes back to normal until the next day. There’s no way I want to leave and disrupt the kids from their rooms and home. I think legally I can’t make him go either. Sometimes I think forget I’ll just go.

Do great husbands exist who don’t always want to argue? Who don’t lose their temper or always think it’s normal to not drink beer? Who are not so defensive. I’ve had pnd after every baby and he’s always had me crying from a week of delivery... I think to myself how am I crying because of something you have done or said, why can’t you just stop and be nice. His nice is always a phase. Never lasts. I just feel so disappointed that I’ll most likely be a single mother of 3 now

I know you will get a lot of 'ltb' comments, but it isn't as easy as that is it? When sober he is the lovely man you fell in love with, when drunk the polar opposite.

Al Anon should be your first point of call, they are really supportive. If you want to chat feel free to message me x

Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied. The lovely man you fell in love with was really an act never to return. Love is not enough here and you cannot love such a man better. His primary relationship is with drink, it’s not you. His nice/nasty cycle of abuse towards you is also a continuous one.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

He should have cleared up the mess he made. Not you. You

Do not keep on subjecting yourself and in turn your children to this from him for what are really your own reasons. You do not say what you get out of this relationship so what does that tell you.

Would you want your kids to have a relationship like yours is as adults, no you would not. Onalake is right in that it is not easy to leave, but by the same token neither is it easy to stay. And you would really be staying for your own reasons perhaps relating to codependency if you did.

I agree with all the comments. He isn’t an alcoholic in the way that he can’t not deink for a fair period of time... it’s more that very selfish traits come out of when he is drinking, also when he has drinks regularly it changes his mood for the worst. And when it becomes regular then it just gets more and more regular, but if he wants to stop for a phase due to eg fitness or he suddenly wants a time out he can

I don’t like him anymore and just don’t see how I can ever go back to liking him. It’s really shit when you realise your life went the wrong direction because of that initially feeling of ‘love’... when you wish you could go back in time and do things differently

Hugs get rid, your life is more than this, I wasted 16 years with an ex like this mind I was terrified the family would take my life over, if I left him. But in the end I had to leave.