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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex Husband, his gf and our kids

29 replies

SalmonSushi · 05/04/2020 20:09

Does this get any easier??

I’m over my ex husband, I know he’s wrong for me he was a terrible husband and in the end left me for OW (won’t admit it) but I just can’t seem to get over what he did to me. The kids have recently started spending time with the OW which I was ok with it’s been a decent amount of time and they are still together, they are spending lockdown together so she is there when he has the kids at the weekend and it’s so hard spending my weekend completely alone knowing they are there playing happy families I can’t stand it. I feel so so alone, he’s an emotionally abusive arsehole yet he has someone who wants to be with him and I don’t?
I think the lockdown is making me feel worse than what I would usually but does this get any easier?

OP posts:
brucebogtrotter · 05/04/2020 21:15

You don't say how long ago he left. I'm two years down the line from my ex husband leaving for someone else, she met my child after a year, and they've just moved in together.

I'm in exactly the same situation as you. I'm single, whereas they're still together, and it's very painful to know my child is getting the family life I wanted for him - just not with me.

I don't think I can say it gets easier - or it hasn't, for me, yet - but it does get less raw, I think. The lockdown undoubtedly opens up time for rumination too, which is not always a good thing. At the risk of sounding trite, try and enjoy your time with your child, count your blessings, and remember, your story is not over yet 😊

DBML · 05/04/2020 21:49

I agree with the op. But would add, enjoy your time with you too!

As you know, kids are stressful! So locked up for a weekend with children and a partner you’re not used to living with in my mind does not say ‘happy families’. It says, woah that’s got to be a bit chaotic. Meanwhile, you’re able to watch what you like, eat what you like and all with a glass of wine in hand. No one to cater to and you can be completely selfish. Try to enjoy that new part of your life too. Xx

Windyatthebeach · 05/04/2020 21:52

Nowt like the immediate addition of dc to dampen a new relationship. Especially a tainted one.....
Cheesey but now there is a vacancy...

sandybeaches74 · 05/04/2020 22:05

I've had this as well with my ex H, except he introduced my 2 year old DD after just a few weeks with the new GF. I am still hurt and fuming. It's damaged any chance of a civil relationship between us - I despise him. So you're not on your own! But as the previous posters have said, enjoy the time you have to yourself and take the time to pamper yourself a bit, you deserve it Thanks

peonyfairy03 · 05/04/2020 22:19

I’ve been in this situation and it hurts and lots of things go through your mind. Though enjoy time on your own doing the things just for you. Your DCs will come back to a stress free relaxed mum. Also from my experience the DCs will start getting in the way of their relationship and it won’t be all hunky dory. Like they say shack up with the mistress that situation becomes vacant.

Original poster
SalmonSushi · 05/04/2020 23:35

Thanks everyone, we’ve been separated about 14 months now and he introduced them to her after 11 months, he would have done it a lot sooner but I kept asking him to wait, I just wanted to make sure the kids were ok first and used to me and their dad not together. I couldn’t put it off any longer I think he would have just done it.
I do enjoy my alone time but at the same time I just miss them and I’m jealous of the fact they are giving my kids a family, the family I once had. The lockdown really is not helping things I agree.
I hope you’re all right and having the kids around starts to make the cracks appear, she has a child from a previous relationship too.

OP posts:
Original poster
SalmonSushi · 05/04/2020 23:38

He did actually introduce them before I knew about her, they did the whole “oh fancy seeing you here” and pretended it was an accident, I knew about it and after I found out he was actually with her I was so angry with him. He’s done a lot of sneaky things and told a lot of lies, I’m struggling to see past it and be ok.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 05/04/2020 23:39

I know. It's so difficult.

category12 · 06/04/2020 00:04

You and the dc are a family. This woman doesn't replace you, she's not their mum and you're not in any way interchangeable for the kids. Don't undervalue yourself or the family unit you have.

brucebogtrotter · 06/04/2020 05:21

Another mirroring there: my ex husband's girlfriend has two children from her marriage too. They both left their marriages to be with each other.

I get the jealousy. I feel it too. A lot of the time, I feel inadequate: with his dad, my child has a family life and two other children to play with. Here, it's just me. It stings, it really stings. But what the above poster said is right, I think - try to avoid focusing on what's happening in the other household, and focus on being a happy and stress free mum when your child is with you.

Time will play out the consequences of the ex's actions. Just focus on the here and now. Sorry you're finding it painful; I feel for you. Have faith that things won't always feel like this Flowers

SandyY2K · 06/04/2020 17:57

he has someone who wants to be with him and I don’t?

Yeah.... a lot of women settle...or he's being as pleasant as he probably was with you at the beginning of your relationship.

Original poster
SalmonSushi · 06/04/2020 19:09

Thank you everyone. I’m feeling slightly better today and keep reading the responses on here, I realise how I’m feeling is totally normal and in time I’ll get over it. Hope you’ve all had a good day

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 06/04/2020 19:18

he's an emotional abusive arsehole
That's all you need to remember. Do you think he'll be any different with her? The honeymoon period may not be over yet or she's putting up with it.

Ginger1982 · 06/04/2020 19:27

But remember why you're not with him. He was horrible to you. He's possibly horrible to her too though she can't see it. That's not a family for your kids at all.

Original poster
SalmonSushi · 06/04/2020 19:35

I’m still very much in the mindset of “maybe he’s different with her, maybe she’s better for him and he’s changed” I think a lot of the reason why he left is because with me he had no freedom we were with the kids all the time, and now without being with me he has 75% of the week to himself

OP posts:
yummyyummycoffee · 06/04/2020 19:38

You can find another lying abuser easily, because that's what she's got isn't it?...

Playing happy family's, that's what people always think, but it's because he doesn't want to parent alone. And in time the stress of him and probably the dc with get to them.

It's a Cycle that goes round and round.

These sort of women think they are special, but forgot that once you and your ex had a great relationship, had dc together, holidays etc.

Focus on what you want and need, enjoy the peace. And font be in a rush to find a dp, because more than often they bring more drama than fun

Onthemaintrunkline · 06/04/2020 20:45

This has got to hurt, but take a ticket, sit back and wait. He’ll be behaving himself at the moment, but ‘like will out’, give it time and his natural tendencies will surface - it’s in him. As long as this latest woman is kind to your children (yes I know that’ll be hard) but as long as she is, be thankful. You are their Mother, never under estimate your importance in your children’s lives, no other person is you, or ever will be Mum to them. Hold on there....they’ll be home soon.

unicornsarereal72 · 06/04/2020 20:51

You know you are better off without him. It just hurts. It does pass in time.

My ex left over 2 years ago. Moved straight in with ow. And kids were going eow after 12 weeks. I have never been so broken In my life. But I let him get on with it. Didn't make a fuss and smiled sweetly when the children told me about their fun weekends.

No one replaces mum. It is an adult in their lives like an aunt.

Just keep your powder dry. In my situation the grass wasn't greener. It was just different grass. So I was told recently.

Lock down sucks and normally I would make plans with the time I am not with the children. Look ahead and think about plans you can make with friends when this is all over. You have got this.

springydaff · 06/04/2020 22:19

I dont know, maybe I'm a bit weepy today, but your story made me cry op. I'm sorry you're going through so much pain 🌺🌹

(it won't always be like this - but it's tough while you're going through it xx)

Babypiggy · 07/04/2020 11:08

I can completely relate to this .... really can. It is so hard especially is the gfriend isnt a nice person and has little respect for you. It is massively painful and feels like exH wins all the time. However i have to believe that “every dog has their day”

LightenUpSummer · 07/04/2020 16:09

I'm in the same position OP, and the pain is excruciating.

It's been a few years for me, and I'd say please don't rush yourself to be ok with it/look on the bright side. Let yourself feel the pain, the anger, the betrayal and huge loss and injustice of it.

I tried to "get over" our 17 year marriage much too soon and it just festered... people are quick to try to lift you out of it. But stay with all those horrible feelings if you can and they will lift naturally.

That's the only way I could get to the place I am now - this is my reality and I shall make the best of it.

Flowers
MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/04/2020 17:13

Believe me whatever might be being portrayed to you, the OW won't be playing "happy families" with your DC. Having step children, even if you love them dearly, is still really fucking hard.

It will get easier Flowers

Original poster
SalmonSushi · 07/04/2020 18:10

Thank you all for your kind words, I needed to hear this today.
I have wrote a list of jobs/nice things for me I’m going to do once the kids go to his this weekend, hopefully the list will keep me distracted.
I feel clearer today, even if he wanted me I wouldn’t want him back ever again, he is a terrible partner and a compulsive liar, she is welcome to him, I just need to work on my self esteem and see it as a positive that my kids have so many people that love them. I’m sure I will have a lot of bumps down the road to being ok but I guess that’s just life.

OP posts:
Specialized101 · 07/04/2020 18:55

Mirroring here too,although its been 10 years since my girlfriends ex Husband left her for his now-wife,and my girlfriend still really struggles with the kids having a close relationship with the stepmum ! Drives me a bit mental tbh,and we cant move on with our relationship as the daughter aged 13 isn`t open to gf having a bf,pick the bones out of that one !

slipperywhensparticus · 07/04/2020 19:04

I thought my ex had changed but then I realised he hadnt he has his girlfriend around him 24/7 he fakes being ill for universal credit first its depression then it's his knee (?) (All I know is that if he was in that much pain he wouldnt be able to run a fucking clutch on a the driving he does) he won't work because she might go back to drinking again or she might cheat on him both of which she has form for in her prior relationships its a car crash but apparently she is the love of his life and they will get married (wife number three for him)

The kids reported he wont even let her smoke alone he used to follow me to the toilet so I know that feeling well