Is it wrong to break up with someone during a pandemic?

[Gambino]

I'd first like to mention that, although I am not a woman or even a parent, I used this forum once before when in a dire situation and the advice I got was fantastic and was the push I needed to get out of my situation.

Also, the post below is long but I have wrote a summary at the bottom as I feel like I need advice desperately and I'm unsure if being in isolation on my own is making me not see things clearly. I also felt like I had to write everything down for myself at least.
If you read the entire thing or just the summary, I appreciate anyone who takes the time to help.

Anyway, I'm 26M and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (21) for a year and a half now. We met through work in a restaurant over summer but she is normally at university which is just over an hour away. The relationship has had a couple of bumpy bits but overall is relaxed with little, to no arguing. As we only see each other for a couple days every week or 2 weeks, we often go on days out or dates so the relationship is still fun and overall, there really is little issue.

That was until the start of autumn last year. I had moved into my own flat at the start of summer and with university done, my girlfriend moved back and resumed work in our restaurant. I presumed that this would mean her practically living with me over the summer, giving us a chance to see what living together would be like once university was done. However the reality was that I could count the amount of times she stayed at my flat on 2 hands with some to spare. I would still keep letting her know when I was working each week and which days she could stay around if she wanted but didn't press it any further as I didn't want to make her feel pressured or anything. After 3 months however it had started to cross my mind as to why.

About a month after her return to university, I went to visit her and we went out for a meal. While there, I brought up that the lease on my flat was due up soon (6 month contract) and that they had asked me to sign a year extension. The main issue however was that the move out date was boxing day so whether I moved out or signed a year extension, I would still eventually be moving out at a time that I would be incredibly busy. I mentioned that I planned to ask for a 9 month extension to avoid this and then from there, have no issue signing another year, at which point, my girlfriend would have been out of university for 4-5 months and we could then think about looking for our own house, fairly acceptable I thought as we would have been together nearly 3 years at that point.

Her response however was "Don't plan your future around me". She went on to explain that she wouldn't know where she would be at after university in terms of a career etc. The conversation then moved on from there and we barely touched on that topic for the rest of the meal.

Over time it began to play on my mind more and more but as we moved into November, work had ramped up and I threw myself into it and put those thoughts to the back of my mind.

Christmas had left me incredibly stressed from work and had been difficult financially with living on my own during the most expensive time of the year. Throughout January and February, I became incredibly anxious over money and my work was no longer helping to distract my mind from my issues and I started to become depressed. I had mentioned this to my girlfriend every now and then but, due to my own need to feel independent, I kept telling her that I might be down for a while but that after a couple of months, a few more pay days and some resolved issues at work and I would be okay. She told me that if it did get worse then she was there for me to talk to.

Towards the end of February, although my financial issues looked soon to be recovering, my work issues were unresolved and after 3-4 months of anxiety, it had began to get on top of me. On a visit to my girlfriends, I told her that everything was getting a bit too much and that I was very depressed. She seemed offended and told me "Not to say something like that." I reaffirmed my statement to her, at which point we spoke for a while. I brought up the comment she had mentioned a few months prior "Don't plan your future around me". I was hopeful that I may have misconstrued her true meaning at the time however she pretty much reiterated her initial point and than added that she didn't know where I would be financially at that time. I said it was unrealistic to know where I would be financially after a year and a half. She agreed, maybe begrudgingly, but then added that she would be more likely to want to get a house after "a year or 2 after university."

This is where I began to realise the main issue between us. Age. It wasn't an issue in our relationship in the short term but when planning a future, we seemed to differ incredibly. I couldn't blame her either. Her plan was to get a house at 23-24, married in the next 2 and then kids 2-3 years after that, a plan a lot of my friends had at that age.

All of this would be fine for her perhaps being 28/29, but that would leave me in my mid 30's which is where the issue is. At 26, I have a number of friends my age that are married, some with kids and the twinges of jealousy are starting to appear. I feel as though I'm at a stage in my life where I want to start that whole process. This isn't straight away, but whereas her rough plan is 7-8 years for kids, mine would probably be within the next 3-4.

Not long after this, the coronavirus began to emerge as a much bigger issue than was first reported and I went to visit my girlfriend 6 days before the lockdown. I told her that we were likely to go into lockdown within a week if we kept tracking Italy but she said that she didn't think it would get to that point. I warned her to at least plan for if we do just in case and she should think about where she would stay for it, if she would stay near her university, go home to her parents or if she wanted to, she could stay at mine. She said that staying at mine would be nice but she would speak to her parents about it first.

The next day while still at her house, my work announced that we would be closing in 3 days and my job and money way now completely up in the air. I mentioned this as a warning that things are going to get bad everywhere but she still dismissed it, saying that she would speak to her parents about it soon but she will wait until the government announces things before acting.

The weekend arrived and the situation had got dramatically worse. My girlfriend and I were on the phone and I told her that she had to decide soon where she planned to stay or risk getting stuck living over an hour away from her parents and me. The conversation ended quickly after then and I messaged her to ask if she was annoyed at all. She said that I was just being very negative about the whole thing and she was just trying to stay positive and enjoy as much time with her uni friends as she could before they all went back. I then remembered that she had mentioned her mum freaking out while the 2 of them were on the phone because one of her friends kept posting negative things about the coronavirus on facebook and it was stopping her from being positive.

For that weekend, Boris Johnson began asking everybody to social distance without enforcing a proper lockdown yet. On the Sunday, my girlfriend had her parents going up to visit her. She mentioned that they were going to go for a walk by the river so I told her to enjoy, trying not to appear constantly negative even though I had seen reports that day that tourist spots were heaving with people.

She replied a few hours later that her day was good but the river was ridiculously busy though. Shortly after this I saw on her Instagram story that it wasn't just the 3 of them, it was them, a girl from her house, 2 guys from one house,a girl from another house and another guy from another house. There was 7 of them in total and, whilst on the phone to her later in the evening, she mentioned that a woman who was there, stepped off to the side as to not go near them (As I would if a big group of 7 people was taking up the entire path at this time). Her dad in response to this, shouted at the woman "Don't come outside then" to which my girlfriend backed him up saying that he was right.

Following from that I asked her if she had now decided when she planned on coming back. She said that after a conversation with her parents, she would come back the next weekend. I told her that we would be in lockdown before then and she said that it would be fine. When I told her that once we're in lockdown you shouldn't move around anymore, to which she got annoyed again at my being negative.

Almost every day since then has led to more frustration for me. She keeps mentioning how her friends from 2 other households keep coming over and I will see on her social media that they're all playing games and coming into contact with each other. When I told her that it only takes one of them to come into contact with someone in a shop for example, that they could all get it. Her response was that I was acting as if they're all stupid and not taking it seriously, that they're keeping there distance from everyone when they go out.
She would mention how she had gone for a walk and then a run later that day, despite knowing she can only go out once a day for exercise.

A few days ago she went to the shops with 2 of the guys from another house one day with a football as they were bored. They stopped off in a park and were kicking it about when a PCSO came over to tell them that they can't be there. I backed up the PCSO when she told me and was annoyed as they weren't causing any harm.

I have told her that there are places around the UK that are now putting in road blocks and that she would have to come back home before they became a thing everywhere potentially. Her response was that if they did put road blocks everywhere, then that's when she would come home and she would just blag it at one of them as 'essential travel'. I asked her what she would say if they asked, if it was so essential, then why has she not gone home sooner? To which she got defensive and said that that wouldn't happen.

When we spoke the other night about her coming back, she has now pushed her date back until the end of April. I told her that she definitely wouldn't be able to move then and may as well stay there until the end of the lockdown. This was met with a similar response to the other times.

Earlier today she said that her and a few of the other houses on her street were having a communal BBQ on their shared garden.

I then asked why she had pushed it back that long to which she replied that while she is at university, there's a big group of them to keep each other entertained (Bearing in mind only one of these actually lives in her house at this point) and that if she came back, she would go insane being on her own with her parents and it would be horrible being on her own like that. Even though I'm unsure if I would let her in my flat in a lockdown, I still asked her why wouldn't she just think of staying at mine then. She responded that it just doesn't seem as easy and the conversation got moved on.

This is what led me to reach boiling point. I have been self isolating literally on my own for 2 weeks but she couldn't manage living with 2 other people because she would be too bored. Then when I mentioned moving in with me, which I notice is one less person, it's too much of an inconvenience. I then started feeling offended because it didn't cross her mind that her boyfriend who, a month ago told you he was depressed, will be spending weeks alone with little to no social interaction would potentially need support. Will be bored, lonely and have nobody to take his mind off his troubles.

I then began to ask myself if I don't get support from someone who loves me when I need it more than ever, then what is the point in this relationship anymore. Yes I enjoy her company and would want to settle down with her but is that worth waiting twice as long as what I want? Do I even want that now with someone who can act so selfishly and doesn't think to support her partner?

I went a whole day without replying to her messages and all I got back was a text near midnight that asked if "I was okay as I'd been a bit quiet today". In a time when nobody really has an excuse not to text, surely this should raise more alarm bells considering. When I replied and told her that I just didn't want to be social the day before, the conversation moved on without another mention of it.

Summary: My girlfriend and I have a mostly positive relationship, however the problem is that she is 5 years younger and doesn't want to move our relationship any further for what could be another 2-3 years. We have already been together for a year and a half and I want to get a house, get married and then maybe kids in the next 3-4 years, her plan is more like 8 years for all that.

On top of that however, she has been acting irresponsibly consistently throughout the entire coronavirus pandemic which has really made me see her differently. Socialising with multiple people from 2 other houses daily, going out in groups bigger than 2, going out multiple times a day. She has done all of this as a way to keep her entertained and has refused to move back home as she would be too bored with just 3 people in a house, rather than 6+. All while not taking into account that I am living on my own and she could have come to keep me company through this time.

I need to know if I'm overreacting over all of these things or not? Is the fact I'm on my own making me overthink and blow things out proportion? I apologies again for the length of the post but at a time when I am unable to express these feelings to anyone, this seemed like my only outlet for objective advice.

Thank You.

She's stepping away from you.
Let her go, and find someone else nearer your age or with a similar plan.
Sorry, but it's clearer from the outside.

You're being rather passive-aggressive by going silent on her - it's not a healthy way to deal with things.

It sounds like she's just not ready for the sort of relationship you want. You want something a lot more serious than she does.

It does sound like she's not as into the relationship (or pandemic!) as you are.

Perhaps now is the time to concentrate on you and your priorities, such as job/money etc.

You've only been together 18 months, not long at all. It sounds like you're looking for different things out of the relationship.

She wants to have fun, enjoy life with her uni mates, and doesn't like negativity.

On the other hand you keep pushing her to move in with you, try to put the responsibility for your money problems on her for not moving in with you, and you want a lot more from her emotionally than she wants to give. It does sound like you guilt trip her a lot.

You're just not on the same page. I don't think either of you are necessarily in the wrong, you just don't want the same things at this point in your lives.

I think let her go. The more you try to pull her in the more she is going to pull away from you. Best to cut your losses and move on.

It doesn't sound like she is invested in the relationship.
Cut your losses now and leave her to it. You'll find someone on the same page as you eventually.

Setting aside her dubious choices about social distancing, it sounds like your wishes for the next few years are very different, also she’s not that into you.

She’s not at all U at age 21 not to want to commit to living in a location of your preference / cohabiting when she needs to get a job etc.

Your financial / housing issues are not her problem.

You’re not sounding remotely United or on the same page. Time to let her go. I don’t think she’ll be bothered.

She doesn't see a future with you.
I'd cut my losses now if I were you. You will probably find that she is ok with that.

I would end the relationship if I were you as it is going nowhere. She is 21 and just finishing uni and has been fairly blunt with you that she doesn't actually see you as a long term permanent relationship. It's very telling that she chose not to stay with you last summer.

She's wanting to party and have fun, not settle down. She's told you not to plan your life round her, she's said she doesn't know where you'll be financially - or where she'll be living after uni. I don't think she's any plans to move in with you and honestly, I think she's looking for a way out of your relationship. You bring her down.

This isn't a criticism of you, but she doesn't want to listen when you feel low or worried or want to make dull, old plans for a steady future. She wants to spread her wings and have fun, not listen to cautions and bleak realities.

She’s not into you.

Please split up with her.

You need to go out with someone who is at the same life stage as you and she clearly isn't.

It is neither of your faults it just happens.

Also you sound immature comparing yourself to your friends. People do things at different ages because we are all individuals and life frequently doesn't turn out the way you plan it.

Age actually doesn't matter. I know both men and women who are about 10 years older and up to younger than their spouse and everything in between. What anyone notices who talks to them both is that they are on the same page in regards to life goals.

Split up with her. Sort out what you want for life in regards to your own financial, career and other goals, then find someone who shares the same family goals as you. While you are hunting for that Ms Shared Goals, if you date someone and a few months into your relationship you find they actually don't, speak to them openly and split up from them.

Break up with her
A. You are not in the same page
B. She isn't that into tou
C. She is not supportive
D. She is irresponsible and moronic with regards to her behaviour to coronavirus.

I think you should definitely break up with her. She is unsupportive to you and seemingly from what you have written shows limited interest in your well being. You are at different stages in life and have different ideas on how your futures will play out in the medium term. It sounds like you have different ideas about social responsibility. It seems her need for fun and company trumps whatever need the wider community has. She is being a total dick with regards social distancing. Her values on this issue alone would lead me to break up with her.

Do you have people you can connect with to talk to if you do break up with her? It is tough now not being able to have a drink with a friend to moan about things. If you think it's best to limp on until we're all let out then do that, but use this time alone to prepare yourself for the inevitable.

The short answer is that you can break up with someone anytime you like.

She does sound very immature and irresponsible. Going out, meeting people, having a barbecue is awful behaviour. Her dad shouting after someone ‘don’t come outside then’ is pretty awful too.

She seems to be keeping you at arms length and wants to be off having a good time with friends rather than seeing you much, she also hasn’t been supportive of you at all by the sounds of it, have you spoken to a GP about your anxiety and depression? Surgeries are still open, although they are mostly telephone consultations. It sounds as if, relationship wise, you are in very different places. She’s too young to think about settling down.

To a girl of 21, I suspect you are coming across as too needy and far too organised with your life goals, she is no where near that stage, she has only just started to live her life
Her Uni friends have shown her the fun, lighter side of life
No responsibilities, no cares (especially in her regard to this pandemic) and the future is years and years away for her to even consider seriously

I would break up with her and when this awful health situation is over you can happily pursue your future. You both want different things and she does not want to settle down

Thank you everyone for your advice so far.

I just wanted to add a couple of things in response to what some of you have said though.

Firstly I recognise that me being silent towards her was very passive aggressive and since then we have been texting normally but this wasn't done intentionally. I really struggle communicating my emotions which is probably what has led to things now reaching this point rather than tackling some of the issues earlier.

Secondly, I know some of you may think I'm being near sighted when saying this but she genuinely isn't pulling away. We have been disagreeing on this whole COVID thing for the last few weeks (which yes, may be down to me being too anxious about it all, as well as her not following all of the advice) however I feel if these issues didn't bother me then we could happily continue on. As I mentioned earlier, we do have fun while we're together, don't really argue and plan parts of our future together. My worry is that if I don't speak to her about these things then we will get to the point that I want, but it will just take a hell of a lot longer than I am wanting and I'll be stuck in limbo while I have to wait years for a thing I feel ready for now.

I would also like to add that by the time I was talking about some of the issues, I think my emotions were getting the best of me and this probably showed in my writing.

I think a lot of you are right though in that the main difference is that she wants to live her life and doesn't yet know where it's all heading, which I suppose could be true for myself too, but I guess I'm just a bit further along all that.

I noticed that a few of you also said that I bring up, moving in together and financial issues a lot but these have literally been twice in a number of months. October and February for moving in together once university is finished and December and February for the financial issues. These were only brought up because I was having to limit how often I could drive to hers and my mood was off due to the stresses they caused. I didn't expect any support with those, I just wanted support at a time where I'm unable to do anything about them and am facing weeks with no physical social interaction.

@StrikingMatches I think that has been one of the major issues is not being able to talk to anyone else about it. I would normally speak to one of my friends over a drink about this and would tell me what bits I was being ridiculous on and which were valid concerns I should talk to her about.

I'm still unsure whether to speak to her about all of this now or to wait until we're through all of this. I would wait but my main issue is that it feels awful having to pretend like everything is fine over text when I'm having all these thought.

@Distressingtimes I don't want to continue piling it on but her need to spend time with friends more does come across in our daily lives. If one of us is to visit the other, it's always me that makes the drive to see her. There always seem to be some form of a social event happening as to why she doesn't come back. This is one of those things that I've come to accept though due to our different lifestyles and I'd rather see her every week or 2 weeks rather than months later in between terms.

With regards to the anxiety and depression, I didn't think that they were serious enough to consult one up until more recently. Even when I spoke to my girlfriend about them it was more as a relief to get it all out as everything began to feel on top of me. I think the reason that I haven't is that I have dealt with them years ago as a mental illness when my life was all fine, whereas this seems more situational and will go when circumstances change hopefully. I also don't really want to burden the NHS anymore than is needed at this time, unless things do start to get worse.

I also don't really want to burden the NHS anymore than is needed at this time, unless things do start to get worse.

Hopefully they won’t get worse but It’s not a burden. Our GPs are currently sitting doing admin work waiting for patients to phone in and be put on their telephone consultation list. Even the receptionists are twiddling their thumbs. There is no better time to get through to a GP. In normal times you would wait weeks for an appointment, in another couple of weeks, when Covid hits huge figures, GPs will be working flat out.

I think given how you are feeling and your current isolation I would perhaps not break up with her for now. You say apart from your disagreements on Covid response and your future you generally have fun. So, stay together for now but really have a god think about what you actually want from a relationship. Then once the world is back spinning on it's axis you can seek proper help with your depression and break up with your girlfriend. Obviously if your depression is progressing do seek help sooner rather than later.

Yes you should break it off for your own sake

My worry is that if I don't speak to her about these things then we will get to the point that I want, but it will just take a hell of a lot longer than I am wanting and I'll be stuck in limbo while I have to wait years for a thing I feel ready for now.

She's 21 - if you want to be with her, you really need to be prepared to wait until she's ready and if that extends the timeline beyond what you want then either you should find someone else who is ready or you damned well wait. It's not on to try to push her into things she's nowhere near ready for.

I feel as though maybe you are being near sighted here. She's not necessarily pulling away, because she's already got you at arm's length. She doesn't need to pull back. You are making all the effort, she's disinterested in you.

Your issues about being mismatched in timeline here aren't going to change overnight, not even with conversation. It's going to take compromise and one of you will have to wait or fast track your life plans. That's going to breed resentment.

Honestly, you should leave this relationship where it is. The lockdown is the perfect time to do it. You have no choice but to distance.

If she suddenly decides you're everything she ever wanted, she will come back to you. If not, you can both move on.

I think the main issue is immaturity. You are on totally different pages. You have responsibilities and want to settle down. She wants to go out and have fun. She has openly said she has not got a plan for when she finishes uni but has made it clear that you are not her number one priority.

She seems to be running round with a lot of men instead of isolating. Her attitude towards covid19 is disgusting. It is people like her that is prolonging this situation. Her selfish attitude could kill innocent people. A warning from the police has not changed her opinion so you nagging certainly won’t.

You need to run ASAP ... she should not be coming anywhere near you or your house. She is not self isolating and is a danger.

You are making excuses for her because you love her but she is not showing you any respect. You deserve to be with someone who wants to plan their future with you. She is a spoilt child who wants to party and spend time with her friends not you. I believe she sees you as a back up. Mr reliable who lets her do what she wants. You have pretty much begged her to stay but she does not want to show any commitment. Find someone who deserves your love and get yourself an sti check up as she does not come across as being honest and trustworthy.

She's got enough distance between the two of you OP, that's there because she wants it that way. She's pulling back! I think the pair of you are on different books let alone pages. She's told you not to plan your life around her, it doesn't get any clearer than that! She's not planning her future around you either. You're being kept around so she gets to keep her options open. You've asked her many times to reach decisions on coming to stay with you, she hasn't arrived, because it's not what she wants. End things and move on, seek someone who is more on your wavelength. You say you don't argue much, part of that is down to you not speaking up and saying how you really feel. She's not planning a future with you, so you need to map out your own future.
Good luck x