Stay or leave?

[Angeanon]

I have been with my boyfriend just over a year & we live together. He is funny, caring, treats me right, and loves me a lot, i trust him and he’s my favourite person to spend time with. But - he’s dependent on alcohol. He doesn’t drink to get drunk, he’s never abusive, or moody, he goes to bed at a decent hour, he doesn’t stay up drinking & goes to work everyday. But he uses alcohol as a cover to block out some tragic things that have happened in his life. I worry for his health & he knows he has a problem, he’s tried counselling & AA but as he is “getting by” I think he thinks it does more damage than good to stop. The trouble is, other than this, he is perfect for me, we are like soul mates & i have never clicked with someone like this before & the amount of good qualities outweighs this one bad. I could meet someone without this issue but they wouldn’t be him .. I’m in my late 30s & he is early 40s. Confused & need advice ....

This is a sad story - trouble is its ok now but wont always be this way it will worsen as time goes on. He needs to tackle this problem or loose you and he needs to know that

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you yourself grow up seeing a drink dependent parent?. Are you codependent in relationships; it seems so and that state is doing you no favours either. I mention codependency because this and alcoholism often go hand in hand. What makes you at all think you can help him at all; you cannot and you will not be able to do so either. You cannot love someone like this better. He's not getting by at all and only manages a bit because he has you around. He has a job but for how long now?. There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism.

You and he need to be apart because he is now dragging you down with him into his pit. You are not good for each other. You think a drunkard is a perfect man for you?. You need to take a long and hard look at your own self here because you're as caught up in his drinking almost as much as he is and are playing out the usual roles here (codependent partner, enabler, provoker). Alcohol too is a cruel mistress.

You are not soulmates at all; you are basically his codependent enabler who is propping up his drinking life. You are not helping him or your own self for that matter by doing any of this (also for your own reasons). You are also finding and making excuses for him; many other people have crap childhoods too but they do not all become alcoholic as a result.

Who buys the alcohol?.

His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and infact never has been. His thoughts centre around where the next drink is going to come from. He now uses you further as a convenient sounding board to blame given how he dropped both AA and counselling, I suppose you've been trying to replace those too. The three c's re alcoholism are that you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

He won't change but you can and should seek support for your own self here. Al-anon are certainly worth contacting here and I would also urge you to think carefully about your own future within this relationship. Where do you see this all panning out?. There is no future for you here within this because his primary relationship is with drink. It will be more of the same as you are seeing now and he will keep drinking.

I have told him where I stand with this and I do see him trying but then he seems to slip back into his habits. I don’t want to be nagging him all the time about this though as it needs to come from him. In other relationships where I haven’t had this issue I haven’t been half as happy as I am now so you’re right, it is just a very sad situation overall 😓 x

Where do you stand with all this?. Are you prepared to leave him over this issue?.

He is not trying; you think he is but he is not really. How do you know he is trying?. You want to think he is trying don't you?. He's backed out of both AA and counselling of his own free will here. He has not changed at all; he is still drinking and will continue to do so whether or not you are with him.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Re your comment:-
"In other relationships where I haven’t had this issue I haven’t been half as happy as I am now so you’re right, it is just a very sad situation overall"

If you think you are happy now, I dread to think what your other relationships to date have been like. Just how low is your relationship bar here?.

It is sad yes but you cannot help him and you are too close to be of any use to him here. The only person who can help him at all is his own self; not you. It has to come from him and he alone.

Attila - I get plenty out of this relationship. He is supportive, caring, and my best friend. You say I’m a sounding board but I’m not. I guess it’s hard to get across what it’s like and for people to understand. But im not his counsellor and it’s not a depressive relationship. And no my parents had no issues with alcohol and neither do I. Maybe I should walk away & I’m fooling myself there’s hope but like I said the good right now far outweighs the bad.

What is good about your relationship and how does this currently outweigh the bad?.

He is supportive, caring and your best friend you say. He may well be all those things to you (and that also shows me just how poor your boundaries are) and for now he is but for how long really and is he really the best partner you have been with to date?. You are with someone whose primary relationship is with alcohol so what really did attract you to him?. He was never yours to rescue and or save.

What are you going to do and say when he starts blaming you for all that has gone wrong in his life?. Are you really trying to rescue and or save him here?. What are you to him if not a sounding board or otherwise propping him and his associated drinking up?.

Hope is the enemy here; if he can all too readily back out of AA and counselling then what chance do you as his girlfriend have?. None whatsoever and you are kidding yourself if you think otherwise. You are too close to be of any real use to him here. Where do you see yourself in a year's time?.

Look at codependency and see how much of that reflects in your own behaviours.

You are not a trained substance-abuse counselor, and again, even if you are, your role should not be a counselor. You just happen to love someone who is going to need professional treatment to get healthy again. That's the alcoholic's responsibility, not yours. You can't cure a disease. No matter what your background happens to be, you need outside help.