Hand hold please, should I give my partner another chance?

[Longlockdown]

Been with her nearly four and half years. I divorced my abusive exh, have two DC. Met her through work, is my first gay relationship since school and uni, ended up marrying a bloke but he was a bully and I divorced him.
She is not out at work, or with colleagues we both know, but I know that everyone knows she is gay. I did.
I feel invisible, not worthy, a secret. Has damaged my self esteem. She says it is not about me, it is her choice. I have been waiting and believing her when she says she can change but I can't see any evidence of anything changing.
She was here at lockdown (stays 4 or 5/7 nights anyway) so has stayed. She has worked from home, Zoom Skyping work several times a day. I have felt like a visitor in my own house, I can't be seen, heard, nothing, as no-one knows about me.
Our families both know, all my friends know, my ex knows, my DC know, just v v v few people on her side.
So today I've finished it, it has broken my heart.
Have I done the right thing? I'm so so sad.

I wouldn't be living like some sort of dirty little secret, I assure you. She clearly has some issues with her sexuality that have yet to be resolved, and in the meantime, has made it your cross to bear. I can only imagine how horribly it made you feel, and I'm so sorry. I think you have done the right thing

Yes, I think you have.

She has the right to make her choice not to tell people.
YOU have the right to make your choice not to accept that.

There would have been a possible middle ground here - with her acknowledging your feelings, talking, working through the issue with respect... but, I tell you, when you are feeling like 'a visitor in your own house ' - I guarantee you that that respect is absolutely not there. She has been in your own home lying to her family about where she is and you have to keep quiet? In your own home?

No. There is no future with someone so rude, apart from anything else!

You have done the right thing.

Thank you.
Not exactly, her family know about me and I've met them lots of times but she says she cannot mention me to anyone at work.
I know some of them, they are kind and wouldn't bat an eyelid. There are others who would comment, but I think, so what? She thinks it would be the end of her career.
I can't cope with being a secret.

She says I am not trying to understand how it h is for her, like I am selfish for not giving her time to sort it out, but it's been four years. Do you think that's a long time?

If you’ve met her family- would she be having an affair at work? And that’s why she doesn’t want work mates to know? If she’s fine for her family to know why is she not fine for her work mates to know??

Surely her family knowing is more important than her colleagues?

@SandyY2K yes, that's sometimes what she says, but I know that should she be ill, or die, I'm absolutely nobody. She only has three living family members.
She's always so worried we'll bump into someone who knows her, there's little affection, never holding hands or anything. If I link arms she'll drop me in case someone sees. When someone phones her, she'll signal to me to be quiet in case anyone heard me.

I don't think there's anyone else, although she's gone off sleeping with me too. Same thing happened with her last partner, they ended up in separate bedrooms.
It hurts so much to finish it, AIBU, should I wait for her? Do you think she'll change?

You really do need to end it. She's still like this after four years - she's not going to change. She really needs some sort of counselling, but you can do much much better for yourself.

She hasn't change din 4 and a half year.s What on earth makes you think she will change now?

Being on a relationship with someone who's not fully out is, shit basically. It means you are being treated like shite, the fact that it's not "intentional" is by the by.

In a way it's utter sefishness on the not out persons behalf. Either don't get involved or offer someone a full, decent relationship. They choose to do neither.

It's not something most people would put up with, it's totally understandable that someone couldn't accept it. You're not being treated fairly.

I'd go so far as to say they lack integrity. You shouldnt expect all the advantages of being in a relationship with another person (inc. physical and emotional intimacy, support etc) and then expect them to pretend you're not in a relationship with them in front of certain people, or in public or whatever.

She needs to fully come out (and pursue it legally if she genuinely thinks she is eg discriminated against in her workplace) or stop wasting people's time and treating them unfairly.

She has the right to make her choice not to tell people.

YOU have the right to make your choice not to accept that.

Absolutely this.

You've done the right thing, you can't sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's and what she's doing isn't even making her happy so you'd both continue being stressed and miserable!

Sorry I know it's rubbish but it's for the best

Btw - the fkg cheek if her expecting you to hide in your own home do you're not seen .. while she's only there cause you're in lockdown, which is because she stays with you nearly every night of the week, happily using your utilities, being housed somewhere you pay rent or a mortgage, no doubt getting the two way company and support you get in a relationship etc.

Also if you have 2 dc and presumably they live with you most or all of the time ... She's been introduced to and around your kids, a figure in their lives, you've given her that involvement in your family, in your life; and she's pretending to some people that you're not even together and are mates or something. Fuck that. Very low integrity.

She won't change. You've done the right thing...it's not right you being hushed up or her not wanting to touch you in public.

You deserve better. Let her go. It's her choice to carry on living this secret, but don't let her keep hurting you like this.

The fact you feel a visitor in your own home says such a lot. In the morning I'd tell her to pack her bags - time to go home.

She's had 4 years to change.
It's not going to happen.

hollowtalk I told her today how I felt, and ended it. We have had this conversation many times over the past four years but nothing changes. She left at lunchtime, keeps ringing me but I haven't answered.
Thank you everyone for your kindness ❤️

My heart is breaking.

Your heart might feel like it's breaking now, but when you meet a lovely woman who wants to introduce you to all of her friends and family and who is proud to call you her partner, you'll be so glad you ended this relationship.

And don't answer the phone!