Non-cohabiting relationships- how to maintain intimacy during lockdown when he’s a ‘deeds not words’ type?

[Fentyplenty]

My DP is a kind, caring man who would do anything for me. He is at his best when finding practical solutions to issues and very much a ‘fixer’ type.

However, he’s also not great at on emotional or deep conversations. There have been a few threads on here lately about positive types who can see the best of everything and that’s very much him, but I think he does thisnavoid getting into any difficult or upsetting discussions.

I’ve adapted to this over the 4 years we’ve been together. It’s helped that he is a very tactile person so when we get together at weekends (we’re a bit long distance) I feel like the physical closeness makes up for the absence of verbal intimacy during week.

With the lockdown now though we aren’t meeting up, just speaking through FaceTime. I’m not sure how much more generic chat I can stand! How can we maintain a closeness and depth of relationship at the moment?

This is a nice thread. Finding lovely kind men later in life is great. So many awful relationships on this site. Best present I had from him was our second Xmas together. (I say together, he had lunch on his own by choice and joined us early evening so as to not impose on my kids and because he enjoyed having his first solo Xmas just because he could. He said I couldn't exactly unwrap it at mine, I thought it's sexy undies or similar. Nope. He had decorated his spare junk room into a lovely feminine bedroom with cream bedding etc. Exactly the type I had once mentioned I would have if I had no kids, dog etc. It meant I could have my own space at his as I like an early night with a book and he's an owl.

When I look back and think how I nearly lost him. My old thread about it is on here somewhere. Something along the lines that my BF says he doesn't do love, should I walk away. Most people said yes but thank God I didn't.

Glad your kids accepting of him. That's a Biggie, fingers crossed this slow burn you two have will keep growing. I have heard that bereaved spouses who had good, happy marriages are quicker to date again and go on to have second successful relationships more often than divorcees or those from unhappy marriages. They are emotionally better able to love and connect again. Bodes well for you. X

Tried writing a proper letter like a pen pal and posting it the old fashioned way? There's something real nice about receiving an actual letter in the post and the effort taken to write. Dunno if it will get him to open up more but the substance in a letter is generally deeper than the banal day to day of texting so it might surprise him enough to work? X

I’m so glad this thread has helped others, it’s really helped me put things in perspective. I’m very much someone who has met this lovely man in later life, being in my early 50s. Like @MiddleAgedLurker, I am also widowed, although for nearly 10 years.

I suspect it’s being at this stage in life that has meant there has been no rush to cohabit. We each have our own busy jobs so it isn’t practical. Like others, we have our shared interests - being outdoors, walking, gardening, good food and wine - and that’s what keeps us together. I agree it can feel a bit like friends at the moment (I’d rather stick needles in my eyes than try sexting) but it’s a solid relationship.

I’m taking some comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one with a ‘strong silent type’ and this treat has given me some good advice to help manage my own emotional reactions.

Thank again for this post, it’s helped me no end. Especially the love languages quiz - thank you @cloudbusting42 and especially your story @wantmorenow. My boyfriend has never been open or chatty but in the beginning was smitten and was forever sending soppy texts and messages. As time wore on this lessened - which although I missed I accepted as I’m not naive, that heady phase has to pass. And in its place I had the most dependable, reliable, decent, tactile, intelligent, funny man who is great with my kids. Who as it turns out is incredibly matter of fact and just isn’t a talker. But then like you did earlier in your relationship wantmorenow, I’ve really struggled if he’s right for me as I’m a big talker about feelings and behaviours and I realised how much I liked the soppy talk which dwindled.

Also, my ex h ‘needed’ me to do everything for him and it’s taken me a while to adjust as my boyfriend is hugely independent and says ‘I’m not with you because I need you, I’m with you because I want to be’. When I used to moan about his independence as he never lets me help him with anything (I only see him fortnightly and I go to his), he always says your job is to relax when you’re here and let me look after you. But that’s as deep as it gets.

I overthink and over analyse. We had a wobble quite early on as he would only say he loved me now and again, but in the beginning he was so soppy with texts and memes I struggled without it. I had to work hard to get him to see that I needed it more but once he got it he was like no prob, and has said i love you every morning and every eve ever since.

So the love languages thing was a brilliant eye opener! The words of affirmation was second for me. Explains my need for the reassurance and the words and does explain why I worry sometimes he’s not right for me as he doesn’t verbalise his feelings much. However, from reading on here and more about the languages I can spot so many other ways he shows his love. I just need to understand his language! We’ve been together a few years and I wish I’d understood this sooner.

We have a bit of a joke about my over analysing and I’ve talked to him about the quiz because he said he’s getting bored so I took my chance and discussed it and I’ve sent him the link but I shan’t hold my breath!

It’s been a big life lesson for me leaning that we don’t have to be the same. My last relationship (first after an abusive marriage) was with a similar over thinker and over analyser and what started off as fun became a bloody nightmare!!

I’d love it if he would just phone or message me and say ‘bloody hell this separation is rubbish and I miss you!’ But he won’t. It’s how his mindset works. He’s matter of fact and says if we go down that path it’ll make us feel worse and it doesn’t change anything we’ve just got to get on with it. But when I pushed him after I’d had a few vinos he did say ‘of course I miss you, but it is what it is’.

Anyway, I’m aware I’m waffling (wow like really waffling, this has got long, sorry!!!) just too much time to think but this thread has been such a positive help... like you @Fentyplenty there’s so much I want to say to him after all this - but I probably won’t!

Glad that we can see the good on these men given they could easily be written off as not romantic enough etc. Another strategy we have developed I remembered. I asked DP today how lockdown affecting him. No reply after 30 mins, just text "Processing?". He said yes. I reply to questions like this immediately with all sort of emotional sentences, they come out exactly as they pop into my head. Often contradictory, kneejerk and random. I even surprise myself with what comes out. He will think about the question and eventually respond. Might take hours or even days. That's how long it takes. Doesn't mean he's ignoring the question and I try to have that patience now. Processing is our word for this, to remind me to wait and gives him something to say to acknowledge he's heard the question but the silence isn't him ignoring it. Works quite well after a lot of previous misunderstandings and miscommunications. Just an idea.

Thanks @wantmorenow - yes I completely get that. I do sometimes feel I have to plant an idea and we come back to it but more helpful to think of it as processing. And blimey I am so the same with just letting what’s in my head pop straight out of my mouth!! The problem with this is I witter away a lot and he does sometimes tune out and then misses things that are more important. I think out loud a lot (or type it - that post was toooo long!! 😂)

We very rarely disagree, maybe 3 times but I would say we didn’t handle it well at all due to our different approaches which does niggle me. But, he’s more loyal, kind and decent to me than anyone has ever been so I’m willing to keep learning. Thanks again.