Help me make sense of sexless marriage

[tiredtrumpet]

Been with DH 10 years, married 5. DC 3 and 8 months. I'm early 30s, he's early 40s.

Not had sex since DC was conceived in late 2018. Before that sex was sporadic at best and the source of arguments. It was ok pre DC.

DH is a great dad, a real partner in the home, pulls his weight etc etc. Can't fault him. We have shared interests and can talk for hours.

After going so long without sex and constantly arguing, he visited the Gp, was diagnosed with depression and put on medication. Counselling not an option as the system is overloaded, unless we pay for it, which we can't.

What's kept me half sane is he says the lack of sex is upsetting for him. He WANTS to have sex, but feels no desire. He knows it's destroying our marriage and me. But he can't just preform. There's no drive. He says it effects him a lot. Im doing my best to support him with the depression.

Things came to a head the other night and I told him I'm starting to see him as a good friend. I told the truth in that I'm worried one day I'm going to end up having an affair just to feel wanted. He said he wouldn't blame me.

I am overweight and I've convinced myself I'm disgusting. That no wonder he doesn't want me, I'm vile. I've started obsessing over my eating, bleaching my teeth, generally having an unhealthy relationship with my body image. I feel destroyed. I have initiated countless times and been rejected and it physically hurts.

I can't leave and break my young family up because I want sex. I won't find anyone else who finds me attractive anyway. So there's no sailing off into the sunset and finding someone who matches me. If I leave I'm going to be alone.
If I stay I will just keep driving myself crazy. But I will have companionship with someone I have a lot in common with.

Having all this extra time around the house really does not help with ruminating!

He wants to have sex but feels no desire.

TBH it's odd for a man in his early 40s to feel NO desire. He may not desire to have sex with you, or anyone (he could perhaps prefer masturbation?) but to feel no urges at all even after months of abstinence is rare and I wonder if that is the whole story. It's also odd that he does not seem unduly upset by your implied threat to have an affair.

I'd have some doubts that he really is depressed if there are no other signs apart from lack of sex drive, it sounds as though the doctor may have given him some pills on the off chance they might work and to make your DH feel he was not being sent away empty handed.

Why can he not try to satisfy you without becoming aroused himself, you have told him how important it is to you, he should be willing to do that. And it just might stimulate his desire - satisfying my DW is a huge ego booster for me, it demonstrates my skill as a lover and I guess it's the same for most men, and women for that matter.

Sex defines a relationship, if it is not present then you have a friendship.

I highly doubt doctors are just handing out anti depressants to people who have a low sex drive, just so they don't feel they are going away empty handed.
I also don't think it's odd for a man to go through a period of having no desire for sex or sexual acts. It happens to lots of men and women for many reasons.

Is there any affection in the relationship at all OP?

Anti-depressants can also reduce libido, so with someone who already has a low sex drive, they could really knock it on the head. Any chance of a second opinion/looking at changing his medication/getting his testosterone levels checked etc?

I can't leave and break my young family up because I want sex. I won't find anyone else who finds me attractive anyway

I'm sure yo're not that hideous OP! You sound a bit down yourself, which is understandable. xxx

@Anothernick I didn't think his reaction was odd but then I thought maybe he was being defeatist? Oh course you will have an affair, I'm a man that can't have sex kind of thing.
That's food for thought.
He did say he feels less of man because of this, which made me feel awful for bringing it up.
With regards to the pleasure, he has indeed many a time suggested pleasuring me (this is always after a hurtful rejection) and I can't do it. The fact that he isn't turned on or in the mood makes me feel like I'm being serviced. So I say no and the cycle continues.

Just for clarity he does have other symptoms of depression, I had already gone on in my op though!

@category12 I have asked him to get his testosterone levels checked. He had full bloods a month or so ago for 40 years check up and they all came back fine. I don't know if that's on them? There's only so much pushing I can do when it comes to medical tests etc because ultimately it's his decision, but it does make me feel even worse when he isn't actively seeking it out.

@Wewearpinkonwednesdays we do have some affection, we kiss and cuddle. But it's becoming less and less as I get more detached. When we argue he says that this is not making the situation any better with regards to his confidence.

@NoMoreDickheads I have no self esteem left, it's not even there a little bit

I wouldn't dismiss the depression angle. Sexual difficulties can be both a cause and a result of this in men; it can be a vicious cycle where every failed attempt plunges him deeper into despair. Given how bound up sexual performance us with the contemporary image of manhood, a man can feel under severe pressure to perform, which of course makes performance itself less likely. Not trying can seem like the less hurtful option compared to trying and failing.

If he is depressed then any apparent lack of energy/enthusiasm to work on the problem totally fits. And if his self esteem is low (as most men's will be when this happens to them), he may be feeling as though he has failed you and that it would be selfish of him to tell you that you couldn't go elsewhere for the satisfaction he knows he can't provide. I'm not saying you can 100% be sure that this is what's going on, but it does all add up.

Please don't feel down on yourself. I know that's easier said than done, but if he is genuinely depressed then what you have is a husband with a treatable illness that you can help him through, not one who has stopped finding you attractive.

It’s better to leave, then this slow death. What’s happening now isn’t fair on either of you.

You say you can’t do this to your kids, I call bullshit on that. You’re hiding in an unhappy marriage because you don’t have the confidence to leave. Don’t blight your children’s present and future by letting fear trap you in a marriage that is slowly killing their parents.

You can and will end up breaking because of this and more. Not having sex is a symptom of the problem x

As a man on anti-depressants, I can confirm it has destroyed my libido - I really could take or leave sex now.

I can't orgasm on them alone or with my DW and feel numb below the waste. I've not had an orgasm this year, not masturbated.

Hmm, obviously depression is the issue then. Im lucky enough to be able to say I've never suffered from it so I don't have any experience to draw on but I do think it a little bit odd that drugs which reduce, or even eliminate, the libido are used to treat it. Seems counterintuitive really, depression reduces your libido so you take a drug which reduces it even more. I'm sure it's not as simple as that but you do sometimes wonder.

Split while you are still friends.

Because if you stay, you will destroy each other slowly but surely.

We were in this position OP... and what I am about to say is not going to be popular on here, but I am afraid it is nonetheless true .. so here goes..

Love is one thing. It transcends physical attraction thank God. It is made up of mutual respect, shared goals, joint interests and a desire to make the other one happy where possible...

My DH loves the bones of me. Genuinely adores me... but until 2 years ago we hadn't had sex for nearly 4 years. I was fat. - actually I was clinically obese. Size 18. No not massive huge (I'm tall) but still a lot lot bigger than when we met (size 10). This changed how he felt towards me sexually. My weight/body shape turned him off. He didn't say so.. not for months maybe years.. who the hell wants to tell the person they live that they don't find you attractive anymore.. ? In fact I had to drag it out of him after the doctor too diagnosed depression, viagra etc..
He denied it was my weight for months and months.. because 'that's a hurtful thing to say' (not as hurtful as not knowing)

He NEVER asked me to loose weight. I knew though, that if I didn't I would never have sex again with my husband.

Being helpful round the house can be 'learned' .. you can not 'learn' to fancy a body type that you simply aren't attracted to. This is NOT fat bashing. This is equally true for someone who met a curvy size 16-20 because that is the body type he is attracted to.. but who found themselves married to a skinny size 8-10 after embracing a new diet regime..

This is not solely the domain of men either. I know I would not be turned on to want sex with DH if he put in 5 stone. I have plenty of girlfriends OLD at the moment- their first criteria are 'looks' .. the second is body type.

Most men/women have a degree of leeway on this issue though. So if you are a size 12 who is now a size 14 but he is giving out signals about your weight.. then I'm afraid he is simply being a controlling arsehole.

are you me op. the rejection is crushing.

i have no advice as i’ve tried talking to him and now at the point where i’d be asking for sex and who wants that. it’s humiliating to me.

i too have started to pick at my appearance which i have never done before. won’t be popular here but i know i’m a good looking lady, turn plenty of heads, just not his.

previous poster was spot on when they said sex defines a relationship without it you have a friendship. wish i had never read that.

i think once the sex has gone, you’re fucked. oh the irony.

@Dadandahalf that's exactly what he has been saying. He doesn't try because it's easier. He has massive performance anxiety and the longer it's all gone on, the worse it gets. The more upset I've become, etc.

@AgentJohnson yes you may be right. I have no confidence at all. But my marriage is the reason for that. If I was a super confident woman who felt like I had options would I leave? That's something I should think about.

@PrawnSacrifice I have heard this is an unfortunate side effect, it must be so difficult for you and your partner. We hadn't had sex for 14 months though before he started them, so they aren't the problem. I only hope they are helping him now.

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel I was curvy when we met, although no, nowhere near this curvy. I have asked him repeatedly but he denies it's an attraction issue. He's adamant it's 'me not you'. I of course associate sex with attraction though and I can't break that. He NEVER mentions weight as an issue. However when I have dropped a few pounds for whatever reason he's immediately complimenting me.
How did you eventually get it out of your DH? Why did he drag it out so long, that must of been hell for you.

i think once the sex has gone, you’re fucked. oh the irony.
@Sugartitss oh that did make me laugh!
It's a horrible feeling isn't it. My most worrying thing is I'm starting to feel sick with guilt about what I'm eating. I feel it developing into something but I don't want to think about it.

Hi OP.. I finally got it out of him because I wanted us to go to counselling and he let slip 'it wouldn't help'... I picked up on that and discussed the reason why he thought this way.. and through lots of tears he admitted it was because counselling is to help you with relationship issues and he didn't have any issues with our relationship... he didn't need me to 'change how we were together' which left sex.. and the reasons he wasn't interested.. he had to tell me. There was no other way.

That was nearly three years ago. I had tried every diet going for years and just couldn't maintain it. Could lose a couple but always fell off the wagon. Had seen the doctor numerous times, spent years at diet clubs (did this myself because I wanted to be healthier-he always encouraged and never blamed each failure). Finally I asked GP to refer me to NHS. as my BMI was over 40 , for Bariatric surgery (which DH really wasn't keen on but I knew it was right for me)

Long journey short.. I have lost 7 stone and have more confidence than ever which DH finds super sexy.. and have my sex life back. as well as normal BP, no arthritis and a recovered pelvic floor!

Citalopram makes it harder to have sex fluoxetine fine

i’ve given up mentioning it to be honest, kills me. i’m now looking at my colleague and thinking all sorts! so not all bad really

Love yourself for youself OP! The dieting and teeth maintenance is a good place to start, so you're doing really well and I salute you. You have to love yourself before anyone else can - that's what they say, right ladies? ! ! Could your husband try online counselling whilst asking for a place on the waiting list for face to face?

I have no confidence at all. But my marriage is the reason for that.

The decision to stay in a marriage that has damaged your self confidence is yours. By not owning your own contribution to your unhappiness, you perpetuate a sense of helplessness that only keeps you in this dead end.

You have choices, you always did, not making a choice is a choice.

Stay married if you want but they don’t give out medals for being unhappy.