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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner ill, and we may split.

15 replies

fussymummy · 12/09/2007 12:59

My partner and i have been together for 14 years.
for 13 of these he's suffered with schizophrenia.
Most of the time it's well maintained but just over 2 weeks ago he had to be admitted to hospital again.

Over the last few years we've grown further apart.
We don't have any sort of relationship anymore.
I sleep on sofa most nights!
Just don't want him near me really.

Since being in hospital, myself and our 3 children are all so much happier and relaxed.

It's been so lovely not having him around.

I think that the time has come for him to move into a place of his own.

I know neither of us are happy, but i don't want to be labelled as 'bitch who dumped him when he was ill'.

I've told him i'll still be his carer and support him as much as i can until he can cope alone.

I've thought about this for such a long time and know it's the right thing to do, but need some opionions and advice about what its like to be a lone parent.

OP posts:
whiskeyandbeer · 12/09/2007 13:04

no experience in the area but i think at some point you have to do whats right for yourself. you cant feel trapped or guilted into staying with someone all your life due to an illness.

KTeePee · 12/09/2007 13:22

I know someone whose father was bipolar. I gather he had a pretty miserable childhood, does not now have a good relationship with his parents or siblings and says quite frankly they would all have been much happier if his mother had left his father....

I think you need to be there for your children first and do what is right for them. That is more important than what other people think...

hoolagirl123 · 12/09/2007 18:08

I finally left my ex 3 years after he suffered a major stroke.
If he hadn't had the stroke I wouldn't have been around that long. He was impossible before and just as bad after.
You need to do what is right for yourself.
He will get support through social services/support worker or whatever, so I wouldn't mark yourself down as his full time carer as this may be more difficult than him living in the same house as you to keep an eye on him. But you could tell him you will visit him every day etc instead.

lemonstartree · 12/09/2007 18:16

I have been a lone parent to 3 boys now for 3 weeks!
It is SO SO much better than livig with an unstable unhappy partner. You will maange and in the long run the kids will thank you for it

hoolagirl123 · 12/09/2007 18:21

I do understand that the guilt may be overwhelming, but once you see that they can actually manage without you, it lessens to a degree (believe me)

39andcounting · 13/09/2007 23:16

Again another one with no experience but I say you need to put yourselves and your babies first. You will feel a better mother I'm sure and you have said yourself that you are all happier and relaxed, anyone who would call you a bitch will not have been in your circumstances.

You have done well to get this far. You owe it to yourself and your kids, YOU deserve to be happy.

Remember, this is not a dress rehearsal, it's the real thing. Have no regrets.

Original poster
fussymummy · 14/09/2007 17:48

Thankyou so much to all of you for your kind replies, it really means a lot and has helped me to realise that i really am doing the right thing.
Thanks and i know me and my children will be better alone.

OP posts:
39andcounting · 14/09/2007 22:40

Have you got a good network of friends locally ?

Glad you have got support from the threads. Whats the next step for you?

Original poster
fussymummy · 15/09/2007 16:09

I do have some close friends who are being fantastic about everything as they know how i feel.
I also have a large family, some of whom are helping me with childcare.
I've never been one to ask for help as i'm quite an independant person.
I've also found a sitter who can look after the children while i have a night out once a fortnight (to start with!!!)
And she can stay the night so it doesn't matter what time i get home!

I need to make sure my partner gets a new place to live and is settled.

Then i can hopefully enjoy life with my children and once he's well enough he can start to see them again.

OP posts:
policywonk · 15/09/2007 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
fussymummy · 17/09/2007 00:41

I have tried to spesk to his CPN but hes not that interested as hes an inpatient at present.
I have told his psychiatrist and others who are caring for him while in hospital.
I spoke to him on the phone today and he was sad that hes got ill again and things are over between us.
I did tell him that i'll always be there for him and if he needs anything when hes allocated a new place to live then i'll help him furnish it.
He's still the dad to our children so we have to stay friends for their sakes.
I don't want hatred between us, we've been through so much together over the years and there's no need to be like that.

I really can't thank you all enough for your kind responses to what was a really difficult thread for me to start.

OP posts:
MrsMarvel · 17/09/2007 00:47

You're a saint for caring for him for so long. But remember that he will be OK without you. His life will move on in the same way that yours will. Try to be positive about his future and it may be easier to let go.

39andcounting · 17/09/2007 18:47

I'm so glad that we were all able to help. The majority of us have NO clue what life has been like for you and can only imagine.

I do know though that you sound like you now feel more supported and strong again.

Keep your chin up, be strong for the kids and remember we are all here for you always.

Original poster
fussymummy · 03/10/2007 22:57

My 'partner' is still in hospital and now showing signs of improvement which is good news.

We have spoken and he will be moving into his own place when he gets discharged, whenever this may be!

Feels weird to know that i'm now officially single after such a long time as a couple.

Just feel quite redundant as i'm used to doing everything for him.

OP posts:
PoppyField · 04/10/2007 06:53

Hi fussymummy,
You have stuck this out a really long time and it sounds like there has been a huge amount of care and sacrifice on your side - as well as love. Well in fact it sounds like life has been pretty full on for you for years with three kids as well. You must be pretty amazing!

You've been the carer for your partner for such a long time, it's very understandable that you feel almost redundant now. From my limited knowledge and huge admiration for the people that support others, very many carers have similar experiences to yours - and just adjusting to NOT being a carer is really really hard, no matter how much you've longed for relief or dreamed of your own life away from your caring role. People often said to me that it felt like they'd lost their job and experienced all the confusion etc that went with that. And there's every chance you'll be beating yourself up with guilt at some stage.

Well done for getting some time for you by hiring your baby sitter every two weeks - that sounds like a good step towards the new you. If you need someone to talk to and you're not already in touch with a Carers' organisation, try your local Princesss Royal Trust branch. No-one will judge you there. The Trust is a really good resource and there'll be loads of people who know what you're going through - it may just be good to get a listening ear sometime. I'm sure you'll get support there if you have a wobble.

Good luck and huge respect for what you've done so far.

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