Ever since he's been in my life it's been full of hurt and pain. When we first got together he told me he had taken drugs but was sobering up. He made it seem like it was a thing of the past and was not a problem. Clearly that wasnt the case. His drugs came before me, he would stand me up and get himself into such a mess the night before our dates he wouldn't be able to go out the next morning let alone get up. Then I got pregnant due to our recklessness 3 months into our relationship. It was my first pregnancy and to my surprise I felt extremely maternal towards it despite not wanting kids. He pressured me into an abortion telling me that I'd get over it and then when I insisted otherwise left me. With a broken heart I had the abortion and he came back into my life. Things were okay for a while. I even moved in with him and his family due to my own family problems and for once was happy and content finally having a place to go that I did not dread. However living with him made me realise that instead of taking drugs he had started drinking, excessively. He would go out countless times a week and come back so drunk he couldnt hold anything down, but when I brought this to his attention he blamed me for guilt tripping him and convinced himself instead of being concerned I was trying to control his life and stop him from seeing his drug taking friends. We argued constantly and broke it on/ off with me going back and forth from his to mine everytime he decided he had enough of my face. Now were okay again, were isolating together but I've found out I'm pregnant again, this time as a total shock and contraception failure. I'm stuck with him and his family and scared he will find out and turn nasty again like last time. I'm struggling to hide my sickness and fatigue and completely resentful of the fact that I'm in this situation again, entirely alone. I'm only still recovering from my first abortion which has mentally damaged me. I'm scared as to how I'm going to survive this one. It didnt affect my boyfriend. After it happened it was swept under the rug for him, he was relieved and never brought it up again. I know it's only me that will never be able to sleep at night from this. But I cant bring a child into the world with an addict of a father, i cant let them endure what I've been with the constant hurt and let down. It's not fair and i dont want them to be damaged from it. If it was anyone else, I could of kept this child. I hate having to even consider getting rid of my baby, this should be a joyous time but it's only full of sorrow. Now I cant even look at him the same. I know everything happens for a reason but I really cant see what good this person has brought or impacted onto my life