Re wiring unwanted behaviours after abuse?

[Fightingback16]

I find myself after coming to terms with the abuse I’ve suffered with behaviours that I don’t like.

At the moment it’s control, it’s stopping me from moving forward, from being spontaneous, artistic (I used to be a designer but I stopped drawing years ago). I have to be in control of everything.

I know why, I had to be in control to stop the bad times, he let me feel like I was in control.

How do I work on this, it’s really at odds with me, it’s an uncomfortable behaviour.

From my mum to my husband, letting go and showing vulnerability, showing I’m scared they have only capitalised on it. It’s only meant more pain, then more control to keep down that pain. The more pain the more control. I have a lot of control. Now I don’t want all of it, but I don’t know how to release some. I’m scared I won’t be able to hold in the pain if I let some out, maybe I will be able to. Maybe I’m trying to control the way I realise control. Maybe I should just shut up! Maybe I should just try and stop trying to try and stop controlling everything and just go with it. I think I need a timetable, I’m bored and I’m over thinking!

Use Art as therapy. Instead of staring at a blank page and thinking 'Now be creative', control it.

For example, botanical illustrations of plants and flowers are incredibly controlled. Get a flower, draw it, paint it, ink it - you can start to relax as you follow the curves of a stem or let the watercolour flow.

If that's too 'free', how about abstract geometric shapes? You can use different colours and media to fill them and shade them. Or even start with technical drawing?

You could change media to 3D shapes, even plasticine, dough, icing are still artistic, as well as clay.

Use your talent to do this and it will help you gradually loosen and perhaps let go.

I just don’t understand why I’m so scared to pick up a pen. I bought a sketchbook and a new pen a month ago thinking right this is who you were now draw. I haven’t even picked up the pen.

Hi @Fightingback.

Do you think you might be depressed? After abuse you can be in a state of post traumatic stress. Art therapy and just plain therapy could help

Yes I have no doubt I am, I feel frozen.

I feel like that sometimes too. It's difficult. I feel frozen about dancing.

I picked up the pen and drew a circle, I’m sick of avoiding the bloody pen!

I’ve found with resistance like this it’s not the doing I’m worried about it’s the outcome. Whether that’s pressure to be perfect or anxiety about what doing these activities represents - the actual doing isn’t really the issue.

I think maybe for be drawing is who I am, it’s a fundamental part of my being, I’ve done it my whole life, school, degree, masters. I’ve been attacked so I’m afraid to be that person incase im attacked again. And maybe I’m ashamed because I was a person who got attacked, I’m simply not good enough to be the person I am.

Also when you surviving imagination is unnecessary. But I’m not there anymore I can do more then survive now.

Yes. I think it's the outcome for me too.

Could you colour in, as a way of beginning?

I have a colouring book, I’ve done a little. It causes arguments with my little girl who wants to help me. I’ve bought her 100’s of her own but she want MINE. So I don’t really do it.

maybe that is a way of starting to let go of control.

Do it with your daughter, she and you work on the picture together. It is the doing of it rather than the result that matters, so you accept it is going to be nothing like perfect.

On the other hand make sure you are not teaching your child to abuse you too. There are things that are yours and not hers and she has to learn to respect that and your boundaries.

If you had a glass of wine or a cup of boiling coffee and she wanted it, then you would have no problem enforcing no. The same should apply to your drawing book. She can only use it with your permision and not be allowed to dictate.

Yes, I’ve tried to explain to her the last few days about mummy’s space. Sometimes I need her to play alone and I need to sit and have a cup of tea. I think I’ve allowed her to boss me around because I feel guilty, but it’s making things worse, I see that now.

I’ve told her this is my book and I get her book and we can share pens. This is mummy’s special book. She is trying all sorts to get it. She has stolen it and started a page

I need to remind myself I’m more then a mum and a daughter and wife, I’m myself also. I can’t live my life 100% for others anymore.