dp immediately seeking comfort/attention from everyone other than me.....am I right to feel odd about this?

[LambGoesBaa]

dp is going through a difficult time at the moment. A lot of things have gone wrong but most have been within his control e.g. he pissed off his boss and did something really idiotic and got sacked etc..

while we were sitting together, he got news that a cousin of his has been given only weeks to live. He's an elderly gentleman and has been diagnosed with cancer that has spread widely.

When dp told me, I asked how well he knew him. Turns out he's only actually met him once at a family event about 20 odd years ago and that close family had known he was ill for some time but they were informing distant family now (he only heard via his mother). But obviously it's still sad when news like this comes in.

within minutes, dp was messaging all his friends and his exw this news. And making himself sound so sad about the fact that he couldn't visit him because of corona (he doesn't even know where the man lives) that some of his friends and his exw sent me a message to check he was ok! I leaned over and saw he was really hamming it up - like 'what more can go wrong for me, look at this news' type thing.

I thought i would be super sympathetic and said listen I'm really sorry, didn't realise this had affected you so badly and he at least looked slightly embarrassed because I don't think it really had. But clearly he's loving the attention. He's taken himself off to bed early tonight to speak to everyone upstairs on his own.

I just feel a bit odd that he's behaving this way. I can't quite put into words why it does but I feel it's wrong to make people feel sorry for you like this when the news actually hasn't impacted you that badly and if it has impacted him badly, why hasn't he reached out to me?

He's obviously attention seeking. But the question is why? This can't be the first time he has behaved in such a manner? I hope he is really embarrassed when he knows you have seen what a wanker he is being.

I hate this sort of thing. You feel uncomfortable because his behaviour is pathetic.

I'm with Chamomile, is this a first or has there been other things you might not have noticed?

That's so embarrassing. He's so pathetic that I'm cringing for him.

He's upstairs so that he can embellish his story; he knows that you know the truth.

I would ask him tons of questions about the guy tomorrow.

it may well be the first I've noticed - I'm actually spending more time with him because I'm having to work from home. Normally I'd be out the house monday to friday from early morning to late as I have a long commute so I'm noticing a lot more of his behaviour than I normally would if that makes sense!

I'm cringing too and it is attention seeking.

I have no idea why he is behaving this way, it's totally odd.

crikey camomile you're right, maybe he has done this sort of shit before but I've never noticed. If that's the case, I'm going to find it very hard if he continues like this tbh

Ugh he's being a grief thief. It's so awkward and cringey to watch but it happens very often.

Can you sit him down and say look I've had messages from people seriously concerned about your mental health but I know you weren't very close to (name) and that you don't know where they lived etc, so I don't know how to reply to people.

It's awful to use the death of someone else to gain attention but it's not rare at all unfortunately.

I know people that do this, my husbands cousin constantly posts on FB about her gran who died and how much she misses her but yet this is the same cousin who stopped visiting her gran because she owed her money and instead of still visiting her just stopped until she was at the end of her life and couldn't communicate.
I also know someone who will literally go to anyone's funeral.
Some people like attention and will do what they can to get it from anywhere.
Is it possible because if the isolation he's missing getting attention from elsewhere? From friends and colleagues and this is a way to get it back?

I think he's feeling v isolated because he lost his job last month so on top of being in lockdown, he's now stuck because he's finding it impossible for the recruitment consultants to even look at finding him another role. He's applied for stuff at the supermarket/NHS volunteer etc. but nothing has come up.

I'd still hope he wouldn't become a grief thief to get the attention though. It's just very unattractive in someone when they behave this way!

I will try and speak to him tomorrow, sigh!

It is v unattractive and everyone else will spot that he is being a “grief thief” as well. I would let him know that everyone will be cringing for him. I might not be v socially aware.

That’s the mild end - it’s worse for family members close to the deceased when they see people do this on their relative.

Very odd behaviour. What is lacking in his life that leads him to seek attention in these ways?

I would reply to the people that have messaged you and say 'yeah he's fine he barely knew cousin' and leave him to deal with the embarrassment

From what you say he’s upset about losing his job, but can’t go begging for comfort and attention about that because it would involve admitting he’d done something incredibly stupid and got fired. So instead he’s using poor Cousin X’s diagnosis to make everyone feel sorry for him, because it’s a much more ‘pure’ situation, and none of it is his fault.

I’d be tempted to go with @pisces12’s suggestion, but would add ‘He’s just pissed off about getting sacked for stupidity’.

So embarrassing. Attention seeking. Immature and yuk!

He reminds me of a relative of mine, very small family but we don’t hear a peep from her unless we make the effort. But at any family funeral she’s in buckets of tears and fb posts galore about her grief.

In reality she’s far too self involved to actually have much to do with family, particularly if they’re older and frail and might need some actual hands on support

Op I would find his behaviour cringeworthy and deeply unattractive. How long have you been together?

I don't think you should feel slighted that he hasn't reached out to you - he can't because you know the truth: that he lost his job because he was an idiot and he barely knows his cousin.

He is clearly looking for some sympathy and validation and has to get it from people who don't know the truth.